When I lived in San Francisco, every now and then another unit in our apartment complex would throw a wild party that raged on until five in the morning. One time my roommate got particularly mad about it and he posted some signs in the elevator/common areas that basically said, “Hey Assholes who were partying all night, please cut the shit and stop being assholes. You’re such assholes. Sincerely, The Guy Who Was Trying To Sleep”

I remember thinking that my roommate had good intentions with his message but the execution was all wrong. I don’t think swearing and badgering people in a forum like that really works. I think it only incites them further.

So a few days ago in our mail room I spotted this sign:

Is that one any better? No swearing, but lots of name calling. Do you think the jerky idiot rich brats are going to suddenly take their dogs outside to pee just because of one neighbor’s note? I don’t. That’s one of the down sides of living in such a large apartment complex. Nobody feels any sense of responsibility to be decent because there’s no accountability. A dog pisses on my welcome mat, it could be any one of over a hundred dogs that live in this complex.

I think the only way to curb bad behavior from your neighbors is to catch them in the act and seriously threaten them. Nothing else works.

But I am curious to know if other people think the note-in-the-common-area routine works. If so, do you think I’ll get a response to this note I’m considering putting up?

Yes, we got robbed earlier this week. I know it’s not really a joking matter, but…. I can’t help but laugh at the poor guy who took the trouble to kick in our door only to waste five minutes of his precious time looking for something valuable. Sorry, but it doesn’t exist in our apartment. I was thinking of getting one of those stickers that says “These Premises Monitored by ADT” or something like that and putting it on our front door, but I’m wondering if a sticker that says “We seriously own nothing that’s worth more than $200. Come on in and have a look if you want” would be more effective.

For those of you wondering, our “guard dog” was in her crate when the intruder came in, but even if Molly had been roaming freely, I doubt she would have done anything more than lick the guy to death or follow him from room-to-room. Those are her only moves.

Depending on whether you hear me talking to a friend or our insurance company, the person stole either $400 or $2,000 in cash (turns out insurance only covers a couple hundred bucks in cash usually…and I totally understand why. Jerks like me would too easily be able to commit insurance fraud for the chance to continue being unemployed. Well played, insurance companies. Well played).

You  may have noticed in my sign above that I said “Dear NEIGHBOR Who Robbed Us.” Yes, me and the detectives think it was an inside job. We have our reasons, but I don’t want to put the case in jeopardy by disclosing the details at this time.