How low can the Mets go?

This will be the first of many, many, many installments of “How low can the Mets go?”

I know most of this blog’s readers couldn’t care less about the Mets.  I know Rmurdera will likely throw a hissy fit when he see’s this blog, and say something like “You worthless piece of shit ass pie donkey face (yes that is how he speaks to me).  Nobody cares about you and your loser Mets.  People want to hear about cool teams like The Red Sox… who were basically crowned “best team ever” before last season and then failed to make the playoffs.  People want to hear about Tom Brady and how he can’t win a big game anymore, but boy does he have dreamy hair.”

Well maybe’s he’s right, but all I know is that when there’s a car wreck on the road, people slow down to see it.  And the Mets are about to embark on a 162 car pileup of a season.  Every game this season promises to be just a complete and utter embarrassment, and what better way to commemorate this disaster than an installment of “How low can the Mets Go” after every head scratching misstep they make.  You see, the funny (tragic) thing about being a Mets fan is that every time you think they’ve hit rock bottom, they find some crazy new way to sink even lower.

I mean we’re only in Spring training and I’m already behind the 8 ball with these installments.  Wilpon’s already running his mouth about how he’s going to own the team for a long time and that all the salary dumping has been based on “baseball decisions” and has nothing to do with how he’s a fucking idiot and got scammed by Bernie Madoff.  You know what would have been a good baseball decision?  Trading that scumbag Jose Reyes last July at the peak of his value and getting some dumb team to overpay with awesome prospects.  You know what’s not a good baseball decision?  Not trading him and letting him sign with a division rival when everyone knew you had no chance of signing him in the first place.

Then yesterday, Wilpon introduces “underdog” t-shirts cause he think’s The Mets are the fucking Royals or something.  I guess he’s hoping these will replace all of the “Fire Wilpon” shirts Mets fans seem to love.  Newsflash Freddy, you can’t be an underdog in New York City.  You can either do what you are supposed to do – field a 150 million dollar team and win…. or suck.

And apparently, when he was asked about his financial situation, he took about a bunch of five dollar bills, waived them at reporters and said he had plenty of money.  What alternate universe is this guy living in?  Even Friedchips is walking around with some twenties on hand.  Can’t get shit in New York for five bucks.  Actually, I guess you can probably score some decent Mets tickets.

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Get your dick cream ready….

Get ready to smear some mud on your ass!  And definitely get ready to hump the shit out of your refrigerator!  Cause it looks like Gene and the whole crew from Wet Hot American Summer are coming back, for Wet Hot American Summer 2!!!  Seriously, I don’t think I can put enough exclamation points on the end of these sentences to truly capture how exciting this news is.   It’s like the equivalent of getting your drivers license, eating your first Anna’s burrito and getting laid for the first time all on the same day.  It’s like 10 years of anticipation culminating in one final awesomely climactic moment of freedom, carnitas and awkward car sex.  Wet Hot is a freaking classic.  I could watch that movie any time, dinner time, literally any time.

On Thursday’s Daily Show, Paul Rudd mentioned that David Wain and Michael Showalter are in the process of writing the sequel, and some random dude from some site I’ve never heard of confirms it in this article.  While Wet Hot is my favorite comedy of all time, I have to say it totally ruined Law In Order SVU for me.  Christopher Meloni is clearly wasting his comedic talents on that show, and now all I think about when he’s investigating a sexual assault is Gene prancing around showing Coop his “new way” or talking to his can of mixed vegetables.  Unfortunately, some people find it to be in poor taste to laugh out loud when the SVU cops uncover another child rape.

Anyway, I’ve always mocked those Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter weirdos who stand in line for hours in their ridiculous costumes to catch the premieres of those movies, but when the time comes, I can guarantee that I’ll be out there in my cut off jean shorts and belly shirt fondling some sweaters.  Who wants to come as the can of veggies?

Bachelor Party in Tahoe: Golden Showers for Everyone

Ahhh, I got you.  You thought the Golden Shower reference was gonna be something gross, like a story about us ordering strippers for the bachelor and then he gives them a golden shower while we all sit around and rub oil on each other laugh.  Well you’re wrong!  Sickos… And by the way, if you’re reading this and have no idea what a golden shower is, well grandma & grandpa, you’re too old to be reading my blog anyway.

A full 7 days have passed since I participated in an epic Bachelor Party in Tahoe, and thus the ban of silence has been lifted.  I’m now free to talk about the weekend in the vaguest possible terms.  For all the guys that were part of the party, my advice for when your ladies ask if these poll answers are referring to something you personally did: just blame it on me.  Win-win.

And away we go…

Lent: Reset your New Year’s Resolution starting Now

Is it possible to eat 40 bags in 40 days?

Lent is for two kinds of people: wannabe good Christians that don’t do a goddamned thing all year to promote their religious beliefs, but decide to take part in the self-denial portion of Lent just because it draws attention, and fat people who have already failed their New Year’s resolutions.

For those Christian fake-dogooders, it’s a chance to draw attention by publicly declaring all the things they’re giving up.  “I know giving up my daily porn fix is crazy, but if Jesus could wander the desert for 40 days, this is the least I can do.”

And for the fatties, it’s a chance to have a do over with your New Year’s resolution to stop being lazy, go to the gym, stop eating chocolate, whatever.  Once these people find out on January 4th that there’s no way they can go a year without their vices, they wait until Lent and commit to trying for 40 days, it’s much more manageable.

In Catholic school, we usually gave up swearing or eating a certain snack/treat for the 40 days.  One year I tried to give up my bad habit of printing out naked pics of celebrities and bringing them to school, but I couldn’t last the 40 days.

Anyway, this all got me thinking, what should Rmurdera give up for Lent? (anyone who’s read the majority of my blogs is screaming at their computer right now for me to give up talking in the 3rd person. Fine, that’ll be one of them.  I’m telling ya the Kid can do it.  Starting now)

I’ve consulted w/ Google to find the 10 Most Cliched Things People Give up for Lent.  Let’s run through it:

1). Alcohol

HA!  Let’s make this one simple so we can move on.  I go to Vegas from March 14-18th to watch the first round of March Madness games with a bunch of dudes.  Sobriety is not an option.

2). Chocolate & Sweets

This one will never happen.  Lent happens to precede the holiday known as Easter.  Lent is also the only time of year where stores carry Cadbury Mini-Eggs, the greatest candy known to man.  I’m much more likely to eat 40 bags of mini-eggs in 40 days than try to give them up.

3). Cursing

Ten bucks says I don’t make it to the end of this post without swearing.

4). Facebook

Here’s one I can probably handle.  On average I probably post something to FB once every 8 months.  The problem is really boredom.  Whenever I’m alone standing in a line, waiting around, or any other times of general boredom, after catching up on 5 iphone games, looking through both work & personal email, checking weather & stocks (who am I?), and checking espn, I finally get around to scrolling through Facebook to pass the time.  I get bored often enough for this to be challenging.  But fine, let’s give it a whirl.

5). Television

Cruising past this because TV is awesome and I already mentioned 4 days of watching basketball in Vegas.

6). Junk Food

Here’s how my Vegas meals usually go down: Pizza, Denny’s, McDonald’s, Sbarro, Burger from sportsbook, Krispy Kreme, Wendy’s, Panda Express, Food Court Mexican (diarrhea for 1), all-you-can-eat buffet at strip club, Denny’s.  Next.

7). Soda

I’ll make you a deal here.  I won’t drink any soda unless I’m mixing it with alcohol, buying it at the movie theater, or if my girlfriend happens to have a Diet Coke with her while we’re hanging out.

8). Smoking

It specifies cigarettes, just to be clear.  And yes, I will continue to not smoke cigarettes.

9). Texting

Negative.  I despise talking over the phone to 90% of the people in my contact list.  Sometimes I still have to talk to them.  Texting is the answer.

10). Gossiping

Fine, no gossip.  But I’m still gonna tell tales, talk idly, jibber jabber, and meddle.

The final tally: No going on Facebook (except when this blog auto-posts to FB); No drinking soda except with alcohol, at the movies, or if my girlfriend has Diet Coke; Continue not smoking cigarettes; No “gossiping,” and No talking in the 3rd person.  Rmurdera thinks he can handle this shit for the next 40 days.

Oscar Week Movie Review

Don't tell me Brad Pitt can't age 20 years in a movie...

So the Oscars are happening this Sunday.  And as a diehard movie buff, I did what I always do the week leading up to the big event: I watch 1 of the Best Picture nominees and convince myself that it’s the best movie of all the nominees.  This year it was Moneyball.

Though I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, I was disappointed by 3 main things:

1). Scott Hatteberg’s character was played by the same actor who plays Andy Dwyer on Parks & Recreation so I was extremely disappointed when Scott wasn’t saying things like, “If you rearrange the letters in Peru, you get Europe,” or “I hit my head…or, brain helmet.”  By the way, if you don’t watch this TV show, you’re missing out big time.

2). I kept expecting Jonah Hill’s character, the assistant GM of the A’s, to be drawing dicks all over his spreadsheets and documents.  Watching Super Bad again this past Saturday probably played a major role in this particular expectation.

3). This final one really threw me off the whole time: In the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Brad Pitt plays a character ranging in age from 30 to 85 (rough estimate).  The actor–combined with make up and visual effects–is able to play a character over a period of 50-60 years.  In Moneyball, Brad Pitt plays Billy Beane, GM of the A’s, at the age of 40 in 2002.  But when the movie does flashbacks to show a younger Billy at ages 18-29, they use a completely different actor.  So in one movie, Brad Pitt can span half a century, but in another movie, they can’t make him play the same character over a 20 year span?  Was this only confusing to me?  Totally bugged me the entire time.  For those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother, this is similar to the weirdness in that show where the main character is an adult, but when they flash forward to him narrating the stories to his kids (presumably 20 years later), it’s Bob Saget’s voice.  At what point in this guy’s adulthood is he going to turn from his current self to Bob Saget?  Why couldn’t the actor who plays the main character in present time also provide the voice for the flash forwards??  Just makes no sense.

And while we’re speaking of the Oscars, I’m begging the Academy not to give the Best Picture to The Artist.  It’s probably a great movie, but you’re setting movies back 75 years by voting for this film.  The Oscars are constantly concerned by lack of viewers, especially younger viewers.  And yet, here we are, days away from seeing a silent movie win the big prize.  Here’s one simple question the voters should ask themselves to decide what is really the Best Picture: “which movie am I likely to watch more than 1 time?”  Or put another way, “which movie will most likely cause me to put the remote control down if I’m channel surfing and stumble upon it playing on HBO?”  Isn’t that the right way to judge the best movie?  Don’t we only watch the best movies multiple times?

For example, last year I saw The King’s Speech in the theaters about 2 weeks before the Oscars.  Good movie for sure, but will I ever stop to watch it if it’s on TV?  Not a chance.  Nominated against The King’s Speech last year was Inception.  Also saw it in the theaters….but also have watched it 15 times over the last year whenever it comes on TV.  That, to me, makes it the better movie.

So there’s my two big opinions on movies leading up to the Oscars: if Brad Pitt can age 50 years in one movie, he can do it in another movie, and the Best Picture Award should be turned into the Most Watchable Movie  Award.

Dad office spaces laptop… but with a gun

Now, that’s what I’m talking about.  I mean, literally the only reason to have kids is so you can train them to do stupid shit around the house for you right?  Sure, the first few years are a little tough since all they do is sleep, eat and poop all over the place.  But when I have kids and age 6 or 7 hits, it’s gonna be super happy fun times for friedchips.  My kids are gonna be making me grilled cheese sammies and grabbing me beers 24/7.  Making beds and washing dishes that the finest cleaning ladies in all the lands would be proud of.  Mowing the lawn and raking leaves like John Deere himself.  Baking cookies and tending the garden like Martha freaking Stewart.  The way I see it, if I’m putting a roof over their heads and food on their plates, that pretty much makes them my slaves.

Also, while I respect the hell out of this guy for putting 8 rounds through his ungrateful daughter’s computer, that video could have been about 1000 times better.  How upsetting was it when he took that first shot and all it did was put one little hole through the middle?  You absolutely HAVE to pull out the shot gun for something like this and just blow that thing to smithereens.  Break out some imovie, slow motion that shit, throw some Geto Boys on in the background, and give that thing a proper send off.

PS – Really weird how that guy massages his cigarette at 5:40.

Bachelor Parties Gone Wrong

So Rmurdera’s sitting on his couch, watching King of Queens (best that TV has to offer at 3:30 in the afternoon when you skip out on work early), and trying to come up with 1 more blog post before the weekend.  As of 6pm tonight, he’s off to Tahoe for a bachelor party, so of course he wants to leave you all with 1 more juicy post to eat up over the next 4 days.  Problem is Rmurdera can’t think of anything to write.

Write about sports?  No thanks.  Red Sox season is starting soon, but Eric Wilbur from Boston.com already summed up the Boston sports fans’ feelings with this captivating article: Red Sox sweeping regret under the rug (Rmurdera is totally joking here.  Eric Wilbur is a no-talent douche bag who has no idea what Boston fans are thinking right now).  Not only does this clown miss the mark on the Sox by inferring that fans are still pissed and want the Sox players to own up to the end of last season (all we really want is for them to get through spring training healthy and start off better than last year’s 2-10 mark opened the season), but he’s also the same jackass that wrote this column after the Patriots’ loss 11 days ago: Blame Brady for this one.  Actually, not only are we NOT upset w/ Brady after that game, but we’re actually dying over anticipation for next season, knowing this team is on the verge of another 3-championships-in-4-years run.

Sorry, that paragraph really had nothing to do w/ this post.  Rmurdera’s just been fuming lately over certain Boston media members trying to cause a rift between the players & fans.

So anyway, Rmurdera thought writing something about bachelor parties would make sense.  Then he thought, “why not go on YouTube, find some crazy bachelor party videos, tell the world this weekend’s party was gonna be similar, and scare the shit out of every wife & girlfriend who has a guy going on this Tahoe trip.”  That would be hysterical, right?

Only problem is that when you search “crazy bachelor party” on YouTube, these are the only type of videos that come up: Bachelor Party Gone Wrong and Bachelor Party Gone Horribly Wrong.

What the fuck is wrong w/ everyone?  When did “hey dude, let’s throw Jeff a crazy bachelor party” turn into “male strippers grind all up on Jeff’s shit,” or worse, “Jeff’s friend dresses up like a female stripper and gives him a fucking lap dance?”

If Rmurdera ever got married and his friends did something like this to him, he’d calmly get out of his chair, walk out the front door, douse the porch with gasoline and put a match to it.

No one gets out alive.

Rmurdera out.

What is Rmurdera, King of Romance, doing for Valentine’s Day?

Rmurdera’s 4 simple steps to Valentine’s Day Perfection:

1). Celebrate Valentine’s Day on any other day but Valentine’s Day!  Much like New Year’s Eve’s reputation of being amateur hour for people partying in the city, V-day is the same way for lovers.  Reservations are nearly impossible to come by (especially when you wait until Feb 8th to start planning), and your favorite restaurants are overrun with newly-dating couples and miserable groups of girls who are completely faking happiness for one night.

Rmurdera took his girl out for a romantic dinner this past Saturday night.  French bistro all the way…including a menu full of words that required access to google translate.  It’s always romantic when you ask the waitress to explain the menu to you as if you’re a 5-year-old.

2). You need a post-dinner plan…and it needs to be more elaborate than “I hope she invites me back to her place after.”  There has to be a buffer between dinner and what you think is gonna go down once you go back to her place.  Why?  Because if you’re like Rmurdera, then you forced your girlfriend to eat a 5-course meal complete with 2lbs of lamb, a bucket of fries and a salad full of bacon and other meats*.  And this means she’s not feeling like immediately taking her clothes off…she probably complained about feeling fat before she even got 2 steps out of the restaurant.  Find a way to waste a few hours before going home.

After dinner on Saturday, Rmurdera took the girl to a comedy show.  Not only did this take care of the issues presented in the previous paragraph, but it also got her in a laughing mood.  You see, the only redeemable quality that Rmurdera has in his bag of tricks is an average sense of humor.  Therefore, by getting the girl in a laughing mood, it was easier to make her laugh at his lame jokes.  Somehow this makes him seem even more charming, and ultimately more desirable.

3). What happens next?  Well you’ll have to use your imagination.  If Rmurdera told you about how his Saturday night ended, he’d have to put a disclaimer on this site saying: “You must be 18 years old or older to continue reading.  Please enter your birth date for access.”

4). Don’t completely ignore actual Valentine’s Day.  Only an idiot would do that.  Even though you’ve already become a champion V-day celebrator, she’s still hoping you’ll do something cute for her on the actual day.

Rmurdera is having the girlfriend over tonight for some homemade pizza and quality time with him & his 2 weird roommates.

Hope this helped…Rmurdera’s off to go find a homeless-looking vendor for some last minute flowers & chocolate.

* This is a gross exaggeration of what my girlfriend ate on Saturday…and this clarification should help me not get the silent treatment later tonight.

Statement of Intent (aka what the fuck this blog is supposed to be about)

In the brief but riveting history of the WBFF blog, Rmurdera has fielded a ton of questions from avid readers, all with the same underlying theme of, “We wanna know what this blog’s about before we invest even a nanosecond of our time into it.”

The questions range from “what’s the point of this blog?” to “tell me, after reading your Travel Blog, your Marathon Blog, your Meh Blog and even your highly-incriminating Randomness Blog all out of courtesy, why should I put in the time to read another publication you’re likely to abandon the first time you struggle to be creative?”

Fair questions indeed, but this blog is different.  All those other blogs either had a natural expiration date (end of worldwide travels, completion of the marathon, end of college) or had terrible working conditions due to an oppressive, censor-embracing founder.  This leads to yet another question a loyal reader asked Rmurdera today.  Is this just a blog of Rmurdea & Friedchips fighting via blog posts?  If so, why don’t they just use a shared google doc and spare the public from this nonsense?  Rmurdera promises after the initial airing of grievances phase that just passed, Friedchips & Rmurdera are after one common goal–creating a dominating blog that gets as many as 45 unique views per day.  As a sign of the writers’ unity, Friedchips & Rmurdera will partake in friendly debates via email from time to time…and those will go up on the blog.

That’s just one of many new features on the WBFF blog.

This blog will literally include everything that goes through the head of a brilliant young man who lives in a big city, drinks too much alcohol, spends most of his money on nights he doesn’t remember and generally hates to work hard at anything.

You can expect more reader engagement in conversations on a variety of topics like sports, city living, tv & movies (I can’t get anyone to go see Joyful Noise with me), and how it’s still surprising when your pee smells after eating asparagus.

While there might be articles that comment on a mainstream piece of news every so often, don’t hold your breath.  Rmurdera doesn’t read or watch the news, and he certainly doesn’t know politics.  Either Friedchips will cover those areas, or no one will.

You can also expect the appearance of the blog to continue to change.  There’s so much goodness on this site that it’s going to take weeks to settle on the perfect visual presentation.

And finally, there’s an important task for you, dear reader.  Unlike other blogs, the WBFF blog will not compromise quality for quantity.  If the writers aren’t truly inspired by a topic, they won’t post.  At the same time, it’s frustrating for readers to be constantly refreshing the page and not getting new content.  Therefore, your best bet is to click the “follow this blog” link on the right side of the page.  That way you’ll get emailed with each new post.  And the other important job you have is to call out posts that are shitty, uninspired or overly offensive (you’re also allowed to leave comments of encouragement).

Get ready for some mind-numbing discussions, and don’t forget to spread the word…we’re a long ways from that 45-viewer stretch goal.

“Premature Launch”

A new feature that wasn’t part of Rmurdera’s past blog iterations, creating a poll as a lazy copout to actually writing an insightful post.  Here’s the first one:

Worst Invitation Ever

[Editor-in-Chief’s Note: the following blog was written by Friedchips (terrible name), who may or may not be a part time contributor to this publication–we’ll see if he can find time to get away from his busy schedule of fake-pretending to care about all of God’s creatures.  Rather than post a rebuttal to some of his slanderous remarks in this post, I choose to move on.  Just know that he’s been practically begging me to start a new blog for the better part of a year now.  -Rmurdera]

 

You know how people always complain about this generation being an entitled bunch of douchebags?  Well rmurdera pretty much confirmed as much with that inaugural “blog post,” if you can call it that.  I freaking gave this kid his start in the blogging business.  I showed him the ropes.  I taught him the do’s and don’ts.  I busted his blogging cherry, or as I like to call it, his bloggerry.  Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish, and he’ll go upstream and steal all your fucking fish.  Bottom line is I bent over backwards showing him how to write and run an earth shatteringly awesome blog that never got the respect it deserved.  And what does he do?

He jumps ship.  He complains about the name of my blog because his feeble mind can’t comprehend the intrinsic irony of it.  And then he starts his own strangely titled blog and basically rips me to shreds.  Hates my name, hates my blog. hates my editorial decisions.  Did I delete one of his posts once?  Yes, but only because it made NO FUCKING SENSE!  If memory serves me correctly, his basic thesis was that people who volunteer their time and money to help animals are assholes because there are people who need help and they deserve it more.  By that philosophy, the police should only spend their time stopping murderers and rapists, and stop wasting their time on pesky small time criminals and thieves.  Heck, instead of wasting time writing this blog, maybe I should just use this time helping people in need.  I could be out helping some poor fool who has no idea how to run a blog or live his life….  Wait, I guess that is what I’m doing writing this blog.

Recruiting the blogging partner I’ve never wanted

Dear friedchips (seriously, you gotta change that name, but we’ll discuss my list of demands in more detail later),
Do you remember the time we started that mildly entertaining blog that as many as six people read infrequently?  That was pretty awesome (and in case all the bong rips in college wiped out your long term memory, here’s a link to that blog: http://thatssomeh.blogspot.com/)

Wanna give it another shot?  I’m not talking about a long term commitment.  We both know the honeymoon phase will be brief.  We’ll post some blogs in a rapid fire way for 2-3 days.  A couple friends will make underwhelming comments on our posts, and we’ll bathe in a tub of self-satisfaction.  But then one day I’ll actually do the work assigned to me at my job, and I’ll tell you that I’ll write my posts later that night.  But then I’ll get sucked into Shark Tank or something equally awesome on TV, and the posts won’t come.  And then you’ll cut your posting to once every two days, which you’ll say is ok because “at least I’m still doing more than Rmurdera.”  And that’s sad.  And then the blog is dead again.

But enough about the future, let’s dwell on the past some more.  We had some great times with that blog, didn’t we?  There was the time you censored my post on animals, and then the time you said you were censoring my post, but I hadn’t posted in 5 days so you had no choice but to allow it.  And then the time you publicly called me out for bitching to you about an editorial decision I didn’t like.  And you even told me to go start my own blog…warm memories that are right up there with my first time masturbating (joking about my first time being a warm memory–I was frightened that something was really wrong with me).

Despite what you might think, it wasn’t all that bullying from you that caused my disappearance over the last 10 months.  I think the beginning of the end came when you were unwilling to have an open mind about changing the blog’s name.  “Meh” by (urban)definition is an expression of indifference–used when one simply does not care.  In spending countless hours writing a blog about things that anger you or make you chuckle, you are by definition caring about those things.  If the blog’s title is hypocritical, what does that say to the readers?  Come here for your daily dose of hypocracy?

Anyway, enough of the past; let’s talk present.  If you’re willing to give it another shot, I can commit to you that I already have as many as TWO posts ready to go.  One is terrible, and the other is solid but I haven’t thought of it yet.

Here’s my list of Demands:

-I’m in charge

-I have final say on all content–because I’m in charge

-You don’t even think up a new post before you tell me what it’s about–because I’m in charge

-You will certainly never, ever, under any circumstances suggest a name change to the blog…your track record is meh

-While I will try my hardest not to post content celebrating the harm of animals, I reserve the right to do so if I think it’s blog-worthy…and you will live with it

-Change your blogging nickname.  Friedchips makes you sound like a wiener…you gotta try something that demands respect.  People see “Rmurdera” and they know if they don’t read my blog, their entire family might end up dead the next day

I honestly feel that if we jump into this with both feet, this blog can be a solid C-.If you accept, please respond with a blog post of your own.  If you do not accept, please blog that too, as it will double the total posts on my blog.

And if you’re on board, well, I’m gonna really need you to pull your weight plus mine this week as I’m off to Vegas until Friday.

Sincerely,
Your new Editor-in-Chief/Overlord