I’ve been blogging for over 10 years, and I’ve never gotten the natural opening to discuss urinating in pools.

Until now.

Thanks to this possibly-true-but-unlikely-to-be-confirmed report that some of the Los Angeles Dodgers players peed into the Arizona Diamondbacks’ pool last week when they were celebrating their division-clinching win, I now have a newsworthy event to use as a segue into peeing in the pool etiquette.

I have several important thoughts on this taboo subject so let’s jump right into the deep end:

1. It’s called “peeing in the pool” not “peeing into the pool.” This implies that discreetly peeing while you are submerged (at least up to your waist) in a pool is generally acceptable, but peeing into the pool while standing over it like you’re the Mannekin Pis (the statue from the photo above) is extremely uncool, and pretty much grounds for expulsion from civilization.
2. Once again focusing on the wording, people always say “the pool.” Not “the hot tub”, not “the bath tub”, and certainly not “the canoe filled with river water.” A pool is just big enough to relieve yourself while giving others plenty of space. A hot tub is so small that you’re usually touching other people due to a lack of space. Pissing in something that size with other people around is a major no-no. Peeing in a hot tub is even more ludicrous when you consider that 99% of the time there’s a fucking huge pool five feet away from the hot tub. So if you still choose the intimate hot tub setting over the giant pool, you’re just an asshole.
3. If you are going to pee in the pool (or river, lake or ocean), it’s common courtesy to alert people standing close by. Let’s call it a seven-foot radius. If anyone is within that piss circle of proximity, you have to give them the heads up. Many years ago my brothers and I agreed to sing a certain song out loud any time we were about to pee in a body of water. It’s just the right thing to do.
4. What about peeing in the shower? Well as you could guess, for me it’s no problem. 100% acceptable. And if you’re someone who’s on the fence about the acceptability of peeing in a pool, you have to be pro shower peeing. It immediately goes down the drain and hundreds of gallons of water wash over the parts of the tub that were hit with urine. The next person to shower isn’t forced to swim around in it. There’s no legitimate counterargument to my point here. I can’t believe I even feel the need to justify this, but I’ve actually had someone criticize me after I admitted to doing the shower tinkle.
5. Pushing out a #2 in a body of water is so disgusting it’s not even worth talking about. Let’s just move on (though my brothers and I do have an addition to our song in case this situation ever comes up).
6. Since I’m sure I’ll get ridiculed by some people for this post, let me clarify that I don’t go into a situation thinking “Yes! A pool! I can’t wait to piss in that thing.” I typically use the bathroom before jumping into a pool if I have to go, and I don’t push anything out that doesn’t want to naturally come out just because I’m waist deep in water. But sometimes you just gotta go, and no one will convince me that the pool is a bad place to let it happen.
7. Someone find me documented proof that people have gotten ill from swimming in a pee-filled pool and I will totally overhaul my philosophy on this topic. Until then, you don’t have a leg to stand on.

So after all that, is it wrong for the Dodgers players to piss in the Diamondbacks’ pool? I say no, as long as they abide by the rules listed above. They better not have stood over the pool and peed into it. The pool better have been large enough to allow for the seven-foot piss radius.

There are NFL players on record saying they’ve peed their pants during games because there was no other option. Athletes are drinking a ton of liquid throughout the course of a game, and since the Dodgers were celebrating in the clubhouse before jumping in the pool, they were likely crushing beers left and right. I’d be needing to piss literally every 25 seconds. Sometimes I have to go that frequently just after drinking a large Diet Coke.

So in the Dodgers’ situation, not only is it acceptable, it’s probably expected.

And, hey, even Olympic swimmers admit to peeing in the pool just for the hell of it.

But if it comes out that the Dodgers were peeing into and around the pool from an elevated height, that’s grounds for someone from Arizona going to Dodger Stadium and burning it to the ground.

If anyone has pee-related questions or scenarios, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll be happy to guide you in the right direction.