We Need To Talk About Peeing In Pools

ross and mannekin pis

manneken-pis

I’ve been blogging for over 10 years, and I’ve never gotten the natural opening to discuss urinating in pools.

Until now.

Thanks to this possibly-true-but-unlikely-to-be-confirmed report that some of the Los Angeles Dodgers players peed into the Arizona Diamondbacks’ pool last week when they were celebrating their division-clinching win, I now have a newsworthy event to use as a segue into peeing in the pool etiquette.

I have several important thoughts on this taboo subject so let’s jump right into the deep end:

  1. It’s called “peeing in the pool” not “peeing into the pool.” This implies that discreetly peeing while you are submerged (at least up to your waist) in a pool is generally acceptable, but peeing into the pool while standing over it like you’re the Mannekin Pis (the statue from the photo above) is extremely uncool, and pretty much grounds for expulsion from civilization.
  2. Once again focusing on the wording, people always say “the pool.” Not “the hot tub”, not “the bath tub”, and certainly not “the canoe filled with river water.” A pool is just big enough to relieve yourself while giving others plenty of space. A hot tub is so small that you’re usually touching other people due to a lack of space. Pissing in something that size with other people around is a major no-no. Peeing in a hot tub is even more ludicrous when you consider that 99% of the time there’s a fucking huge pool five feet away from the hot tub. So if you still choose the intimate hot tub setting over the giant pool, you’re just an asshole.
  3. If you are going to pee in the pool (or river, lake or ocean), it’s common courtesy to alert people standing close by. Let’s call it a seven-foot radius. If anyone is within that piss circle of proximity, you have to give them the heads up. Many years ago my brothers and I agreed to sing a certain song out loud any time we were about to pee in a body of water. It’s just the right thing to do.
  4. What about peeing in the shower? Well as you could guess, for me it’s no problem. 100% acceptable. And if you’re someone who’s on the fence about the acceptability of peeing in a pool, you have to be pro shower peeing. It immediately goes down the drain and hundreds of gallons of water wash over the parts of the tub that were hit with urine. The next person to shower isn’t forced to swim around in it. There’s no legitimate counterargument to my point here. I can’t believe I even feel the need to justify this, but I’ve actually had someone criticize me after I admitted to doing the shower tinkle.
  5. Pushing out a #2 in a body of water is so disgusting it’s not even worth talking about. Let’s just move on (though my brothers and I do have an addition to our song in case this situation ever comes up).
  6. Since I’m sure I’ll get ridiculed by some people for this post, let me clarify that I don’t go into a situation thinking “Yes! A pool! I can’t wait to piss in that thing.” I typically use the bathroom before jumping into a pool if I have to go, and I don’t push anything out that doesn’t want to naturally come out just because I’m waist deep in water. But sometimes you just gotta go, and no one will convince me that the pool is a bad place to let it happen.
  7. Someone find me documented proof that people have gotten ill from swimming in a pee-filled pool and I will totally overhaul my philosophy on this topic. Until then, you don’t have a leg to stand on.

So after all that, is it wrong for the Dodgers players to piss in the Diamondbacks’ pool? I say no, as long as they abide by the rules listed above. They better not have stood over the pool and peed into it. The pool better have been large enough to allow for the seven-foot piss radius.

There are NFL players on record saying they’ve peed their pants during games because there was no other option. Athletes are drinking a ton of liquid throughout the course of a game, and since the Dodgers were celebrating in the clubhouse before jumping in the pool, they were likely crushing beers left and right. I’d be needing to piss literally every 25 seconds. Sometimes I have to go that frequently just after drinking a large Diet Coke.

So in the Dodgers’ situation, not only is it acceptable, it’s probably expected.

And, hey, even Olympic swimmers admit to peeing in the pool just for the hell of it.

But if it comes out that the Dodgers were peeing into and around the pool from an elevated height, that’s grounds for someone from Arizona going to Dodger Stadium and burning it to the ground.

If anyone has pee-related questions or scenarios, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll be happy to guide you in the right direction.

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Fall TV Preview: The Comedy Gold Standard Returns

Little-Giants

Last Wednesday I gave you Survivor for your homework. Hopefully you’re all excited to watch Colton turn into the most hated person in America (again) every Wednesday for the next four months.

This Wednesday brings another light assignment as I’m only requiring you to watch one show, and it happens to be the best comedy on TV. If you want extra credit, you can give the brand new show a whirl, but I don’t think it’s worth your time.

Let’s discuss the two shows worth your consideration for Wednesday, September 25th:

Returning Show

Modern Family

When & Where: 9:00pm on ABC

What: I can’t imagine there’s someone reading this who hasn’t heard of Modern Family. But fine, here it goes: It’s a family comedy based on three intertwined families that stem from a father and his two kids (and their families). There’s the traditional family (husband, wife, three kids), the gay parents and their adopted Vietnamese child, and the patriarch of the whole group with his Colombian trophy wife and her teenage son.

Who: Ed O’Neill, Julie Bowen, Sofia Vergara, Ty Burrell, everyone, really.

Ross’s Take: The gold standard of the current TV comedy is going strong heading into its fifth season. Modern Family will be on top for a while because it has incredible characters, the best writing, and constantly evolving and ripe-for-the-picking family situations based on the kids growing up, the parents getting new jobs, or childlike adult Phil Dunphy misreading a situation so bad that he finds himself watching a football game with his shirt off in the company of a gay man who thinks Phil wants to sleep with him. This is basically the one comedy that I have to watch the night it airs, and it’s getting a 4.5 out of 5 from me (The “5” designation is exclusively saved for shows like The Wire, Breaking Bad and the heyday of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia).

Julie’s Take: I mean, what’s to say…10 out of 5 (shaking her head at me like I’m an idiot for asking).

New Show

Back In The Game

When & Where: 8:30pm on ABC

What: Little Giants as a baseball-centric TV show. Seriously, the synopsis on Wikipedia reads like a TV adaptation for that 1994 Rick Moranis-Ed O’Neill football movie. A bunch of kids are rejected by the mean coach from playing on the team, so the dorky nobody of a parent organizes her own team with all the rejected kids…

Who: Maggie Lawson is mother who coaches the losers and James Caan is her overbearing, used-to-be-an-athlete father.

Ross’s Take: I don’t think I’m biting on this one. I’m pretty sure I nailed the premise with my Little Giants comparison, which means the laughs are going to be predictable (this ragtag bunch of dorky kids are trying to play a sport!!). Even the relationship between the mom and her dad seems cliche and not something that’s going to interest me. I’m giving it a 1.5 out of 5 and only DVR’ing it because of my roommate’s enthusiasm over it (see below).

Julie’s Take: It’s a nice mix of The Sandlot and My Girl…I give it a 4 out of 5. It looks heartfelt!

That’s all for today. Stay tuned for Thursday’s lineup where we’ll be welcoming back a couple actors who haven’t starred in a TV show in a loooong time (and for good reason).