I don’t even know where the closest McDonald’s is to my apartment. But you can bet your ass I’ll be google mapping the five closest MickeyD’s to my place now that Monopoly has returned. It seems like this Monopoly game at McDonald’s has been going on for 20 years, and as an adult, it’s the one thing that causes me to buy fast food over a one-month span every year.

So from now until October 22nd when the game ends, I’ll be doing my best to transform into this guy:

My favorite part of Monopoly Month is how on certain days I try to pretend like I’m not going to eat a Big Mac, Fries, a Diet Coke and two Apple Pies. But while planning to eat a healthy lunch, I just delay eating for hours to the point where it’s so late in the day, I can justifiably say to myself, “Ugh, I’m starving. I just need to eat something right now, anything will do…oh look, there’s a McDonald’s…”

FYI, there are TWO Boardwalk pieces this year…the first time they’ve done that (usually there’s only one). So double the chances of winning the $1 million prize. So excited I could eat three DQPWC’s right now! (that’s the acronym for a double quarter-pounder with cheese that us fast food gluttons use)

Good luck, fellow Fatsos!

P.S. If I get stuck with like 47 Kentucky Avenue game pieces like I always do, I’m going to flip out on a McDonald’s employee, or maybe even Ronald himself.