Kriss Kross, In Memoriam (Regardless of How Badly My Brothers Laugh At Me)

Over the years many people have assumed that me and my brothers fought a lot while growing up. Three boys in the family separated by only five years in age, I totally understand the thinking. But the truth is there weren’t many physical altercations between us because none of us were that aggressive (Neil’s probably shaking his head as he reads this, the same head that was on the receiving end of an Aaron tennis racket toss once upon a time).

Rather than beat up their little brother, my brothers simply used their slight intellectual advantage to wage psychological warfare against me whenever they got a chance.

The reason I bring this up is because the sad news of half of Kriss Kross dying yesterday brought back one such torturous memory from my childhood.

Based on Kris Kross’s mega-hit “Jump” being released in 1992, I’d have to guess I was nine years old when it happened. As we were about to leave our house for a party at my grandparents’, my a-hole brothers went to work convincing me to put my jeans on backwards because that was the new cool fashion trend that Kris Kross had started.

As you can imagine, a nine-year-old trying to fit in with his teenage brothers doesn’t need much prodding to do something incredibly stupid. Fast forward 20 minutes and I walk in the front door of my grandparents’ house and get laughed at by my Aunt immediately. I wish I could say I stood up for my wardrobe choice that day, but no, I sheepishly ran to the bathroom and turned my jeans around like every other boring kid.

I’ll always think that day marked the beginning and the end of me being a fashion early-adopter.

But as mean as my brothers were on that day, at least they only made fun of my backwards jeans for the next decade or so.

Now that I’m older and have no shame, I don’t mind doing something that might get laughed at. Especially if it’s to honor one of the great singer-songwriters of our time. So Chris Kelly, today’s outfit is for you:

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Man Vs Dog: A Game of Psychological Warfare

This fucking dog…

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Every time I think I’ve got her figured out, she throws a ridiculous curveball just to show me she’s always going to be one step ahead.

“Figured out how to get me in my crate consistently? Fine, I’ll start chewing on all the furniture every chance I get. Oh, you sprayed that disgusting sour stuff on the furniture so I wouldn’t wanna chew on it anymore? No problem, I’ll just start tearing all my toys to shreds… Damnit, you took all my destructible toys away? Actually, that’s fine. But just know I’m going to start having some fierce diarrhea every time you take me outside to the point where you have to spend hundreds of dollars at the Vet’s just to figure out that nothing’s really wrong with me.” 

And on and on it goes…

Her newest “quirk” is that she decided in the last few days to no longer be interested in the dog food she’s been eating for the last month. This isn’t totally new because the same thing happened a couple months ago. When it happened the first time, we caved and got her cans of wet food to mix in with the dry food. She loves the wet food, but it’s not economically sustainable for us to buy her cases of wet food for the next 10+ years.

So this time I’m calling her bluff. If she doesn’t want to eat the food that we’ve decided she’s eating when we decide it’s time for her to eat, then she’s going to starve. And I’m going to let her. This is probably a little sick and twisted, but I gotta tell you that I’m enjoying teaching her a very important lesson. When I Gchatted Julie at work yesterday to ask for her approval on this plan of attack and she gave me the OK, I was so excited. Not because I want my dog to go hungry, but because I want her to learn once and for all that eating is a privilege. There are starving dogs in Africa for Christ’s sake!

Rather than cater to Molly by giving her the opportunity to eat multiple times throughout the morning, I’m putting the food in her bowl once, and she has exactly 10 minutes to show some sort of interest in it. If she doesn’t, then breakfast is over and she can try again around 6PM for dinner.

I have a pretty strong suspicion that after two or three days of her missing out on at least 50% of her daily food intake, she’ll never skip the opportunity to eat again.

Meanwhile, she’s being a gigantic pain in the ass because even though she doesn’t want to eat her food, she’s acting hungry. She basically wants to eat anything except for her food. She’s licking everything, trying to chew all the things she’s not supposed to chew, trying to eat pieces of the carpet, looking for any kind of nutrients she can get. If only she knew all the nutrition she needed was right in front of her just a few minutes ago.

And for all of you “dog experts” out there who wanna throw in your two cents on this matter, save it. I know what you’re going to say. “Molly must be sick, or maybe she’s allergic to the food. You should probably ask the Vet about this.”

No, this is simply a game of psychological warfare. And so far, I think we’ve got a stalemate. But just like in a real war, I’m pretty sure the side that controls the supplies (food, water, toys, belly rubs) is the side that comes out on top.