Well look what we’ve got here…not since the days of Wonka’s five golden tickets have people gone this crazy over a game of chance. I’m talking of course about the Mega Millions lottery. You know this story has gotten big when even I’ve heard of it. I’ve said it before: I don’t read the news, I don’t watch the news, I seriously have no idea what channel the news would even be on…so for me to be hearing all about this alleged $640 million jackpot, it’s gotta be big. How big? Well I’ve been approached by no less than six people asking whether or not I’ve bought a ticket for this drawing. Up to this point in my life, I never had a single person ask me if I was playing the lottery. So that’s a pretty large increase of people asking me about this.
At this moment I’m still refusing to buy even 1 ticket. My take is that if I stay out of this mess, when it’s all said and done, I will be $1 more wealthy than everyone in this country who is poorer than me (distancing myself from the pack), and I’ll be $1 closer to catching all the rich people in this country who currently make more money than me. It’s a very small but important step in my plan to be the richest person in the world.
So what I’ve been doing when people either ask me if I’m playing the lottery or tell me they bought some tickets is to get very serious with them and say, “Listen, I think you’ve honestly got a good chance to win this thing…have you thought about what you’re gonna do with the money yet? You don’t wanna win $640 million and not have a plan, right?” It really gets people thinking.
And I’ve heard plenty of people rationalize their spending on this certain disappointment by saying it gives them a few days to daydream about the possibilities, which is a nice escape from the real world. Well, let’s see how imaginative some of these people can get.
In no particular order, here are the results of me asking five people what are the top things they’d spend the money on:
-Quit my job
-Move out of my shitty neighborhood
-Build myself a regulation basketball court
-Buy a new car
-Build an incredible media room
-offer Bob Sagat $1 million to blow me just to see if he will. Turn him down if he says yes, of course
-Spend more time with my family (maybe four weekends a year instead of three)
-Buy a bunch of pork shoulders and donate to will-blog-for-food.com (THANK YOU, anonymous hero)
-Take a year’s vacation and travel the entire world
-Give a couple million each to the family members and friends that I don’t hate
-Rent Fenway Park for a weekend to organize the coolest softball tournament ever
-Hold a contest with a $5 million reward for the person willing to humiliate themselves the worst, as judged by me
-Finance my own movie
-Buy some real estate like a beach house, ski cabin or condo
-Give a bunch of money away since I could never spend it all
-Take a ridiculous vacation around the world
-Start a company
-I’m getting a coke habit
-Start building churches in Nicaragua
-Sponsor a little league team
-Spend $100K in a strip club
-Go to Vegas and do a free roll on Roulette
-Pay off my school loans and all my debt
-Pay off my parents’ house
-Go on a year long vacation
-Either buy a car a boat or a craft store
That’s some pretty weak daydreaming for the most part. I love how someone knows if they could only afford it, they’d have a coke habit. I also like that someone is so overly responsible with their money that they won’t splurge for a car, boat AND a craft store…they’ll have to choose just one. Taking a long vacation is the most popular answer, and building an incredible media room is the most confusing answer.
If I won the money, I’d go overboard. Every piece of clothing I own would be made out of either gold or dollar bills. I would never wipe my own ass again, I can promise you that. I would buy a new house in a new location each month, and live there for only that month. I would buy a minority stake in the Cadbury company and push them to make Cadbury mini-eggs year-round. I would most certainly be the next person to step foot on the moon, and I’d potentially buy it. Safe to say eight months after winning the money, you’d find me back at my corporate job on the bottom rung of the ladder, scraping to get buy again.
I was searching for one good picture to attach to this post, but I found a lot of them. Let’s kick the weekend off with photos of people who have won the lottery:
Don’t worry, this guy’s got enough money now to get that head enlargement surgery. Those glasses will be fitting in no time.
Oh, I see. Those are official lottery-winners glasses. How exclusive.
Yes! That’s how you celebrate winning millions. You act like you just won the World Series and then some.
Ok, looks like her first time ever holding a champagne bottle, but still, she’s getting it.
Exactly…you just won how many millions of dollars? Do something stupid, flush part of it down the toilet. This screams “I’m so rich one dollar bills are my toilet paper!”
Yikes. Let’s quickly get that will updated, shall we?
Ehh, whatever. At least he can afford rehab to go along with the habit.