Good Lord…I thought the “Trendy Top” was a killer. If you don’t remember my blog post from way back in April on a destructive invention called the Trendy Top, please read this now: Trendy Tops Literally Killed My Friend.

Apparently there is now a potentially more destructive product on the market in the form of Cami Secret. Once again, you’ll want to watch at least the first minute of this video for context:

The jist of the informercial is that girls love wearing low-cut tops when they’re out at night slutting it up, but that same top is just horribly inappropriate at work. Rather than assume a woman has a wardrobe consisting of work-appropriate clothes and “night out being a woo girl”-appropriate clothes, this company wants ladies to wear the same shirt to work as they wore out to the club the night before…the one they woke up in at a strange guy’s apartment…the one with the smell of puke all over it. The Cami Secret wants you to wear the same top, but just cover up all that booby goodness with one of their stupid fake tank tops…or I guess it’s called a camisole?

After re-watching this informercial more times than I care to admit, here’s my take:

1). This is why women shouldn’t be allowed to run businesses, or at least not run product development within businesses. No guy would come up with a product that covers up breasts.

2). The product has a fatal flaw—it doesn’t work if you’re wearing a strapless bra (Ha. Take that, genius R&D team behind this awful product).

3). Do women really use safety pins to try to close up a shirt near their cleavage? I can’t believe this is true because I’m always looking at this area of a woman and have never seen one.

4). One size fits all? Bullshit. You show me 1,000 different women, and I’ll show you 2,000 different breast sizes (that’s right, not even the two boobs on the same woman are an exact match).

5). Between the Trendy Top and the Cami Secret, it’s like these people are telling women to cover up all the exposed skin on their bodies. I’ve got a great product I’m willing to sell to any woman who feels overly exposed by what she chooses to wear.  I’ll sell it for the low price of $20. Here it is:

But wait! For a limited time, I’ll cut the eye holes out for you in advance at no extra charge!

If women really want to cover up more, I think there’s a place in the world that supports and even encourages this kind of behavior. With the Trendy Top and Cami Secret, you’ll fit in perfectly with these people:

That looks like one helluva birthday party!