Expanding Our Family: First There Was The Dog, Now Announcing Plans for Our First Child*

*I should make it clear that my girlfriend is absolutely not on board with this plan, yet.

Having spent the past two months raising a baby dog (a “puppy” as they call it in the canine industry) and starting to understand what parents have to deal with when it comes to raising a human baby, it would be completely natural for me to say I never want to have kids. How many men in their 20’s don’t daydream of a life without kids? That dream consists of a great social life where I can go out any night of the week and party, or I can take whatever vacation I want for however long I want. It consists of having time to myself, never spending a penny on diapers, tuition or bail, and never having a single Sunday of football-watching disrupted by a fussy baby or by having to take a kid to his soccer game (or God forbid, her ballet class).

I admit it’s pretty harsh and unrealistic to say I never want kids. But how can I meet myself halfway on this one? Well after some serious soul-searching, I finally figured out the perfect crime. When I’m finally ready for a kid, I will adopt a 17-year-old boy.

This plan will satisfy the need to have a child (my eventual need and my girlfriend’s eventual need, which is a long ways away), but allows me to basically continue with life uninterrupted.

Think about it. I get to experience the joy of having my own son, building a family, and watching him grow up (for a year at least, until he’s off to college). But I won’t ever have to change a diaper, explain to a heartbroken kid that Santa Claus isn’t real or talk to a child about masturbation. Better yet, I won’t even have to drive the little shit anywhere since he’ll come fully equipped with a license and (hopefully) his own car. Actually, it sounds like I just found my new designated driver.

This isn’t just a selfish proposition for my advantage. I’m completely unfit to raise a baby that is anywhere between newborn and 13 years old. I don’t remember what it’s like to be in that age range, and I have no idea what that age of human needs to survive. But a teenager? That’s right in my wheelhouse.

Here are my only concerns with this plan:

-Are there even any children that age available for adoption?

-Let’s say I wan this to happen in three years…would someone allow a 32-year-old unemployed writer to adopt a 17-year-old?

-One of the main attractions of having a kid is the chance that he grows up to be super successful in business, athletics, politics or terrorism. When my 17-year-old adopted kid becomes ultra succesful, will he feel enough of a family connection to give me a cut of his success? Should I go with a 14-year-old instead so I have more time to build that relationship?

-Is it gonna be weird if I’m pushing my 17-year-old around in a stroller in public places to try to attract hot women (as other men obviously do with their infants)?

-Will I be fit to raise this teenager by myself when my girlfriend inevitably leaves me after she reads about this plan for the first time?

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