Follow My Lead This Weekend and You’re Sure To See Plenty of Sports and Be A Lot More Single By Monday

In case anyone needs help deciding whether this Saturday is a good day to do family stuff or chores around the house, let me show you what my day is going to look like:

9:30AM: New York Rangers/Washington Capitals Game 2 – Try to watch this game while I pretend to enjoy family breakfast with my girlfriend and dog.

2:30PM: Show up at my favorite sports bar because things are about to get crazy.

3:00PM: The 139th Kentucky Derby – I’ll be making a small bet on a random horse with longshot odds just to have something to root for during this event.

4:00PM: Toronto Maple Leafs/Boston Bruins Game 2 – Hockey is the greatest playoff sport there is. If you try to argue against this fact, you are an idiot and I don’t want to talk to you.

4:30PM: Anaheim Ducks/Detroit Red Wings Game 3

5:00PM: Chicago Bulls/Brooklyn Nets Game 7 – Basketball is the worst playoff sport there is, but even I can get semi-interested in a game 7.

5:00PM: Boston Red Sox/Texas Rangers – Best team in baseball is must-watch TV.

6:00PM: San Francisco Giants/Los Angeles Dodgers – Probably only relevant in my neck of the woods.

7:00PM: St. Louis Blues/LA Kings Game 3

7:30PM: Floyd Mayweather/Robert Guerrero fight – I don’t even like boxing but might as well cap the day off with one final event.

And don’t forget Cinco de Mayo is Sunday, but plenty of people are sure to be celebrating on Saturday.

Speaking of Sunday, don’t assume you can follow my lead on Saturday and save all your chores for Sunday because we might be dealing with four game 7’s in the NBA playoffs and 13 hours of playoff hockey on Sunday.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you when you’re stuck in the checkout line at Ikea desperately trying to get updates on all these games via Twitter.

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New Plan to Get Some Monthly Income That I Totally Deserve: Dog Walking

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This is bound to piss some people off, but this thought randomly jumped into my head today when I was trying to ignore my dog while she whimpered by the door: Would it be wrong of me to start charging my girlfriend half the cost of a dog walker every day?

Hear me out on this…If you think about it, me being at home saves us from having to get a dog walker that would cost $25 a day. We’d be splitting that cost, $12.50 each. By going to work and leaving me to tend to the house, Julie is not only saving herself the cost of a movie ticket each day, but also never has to take time away from her work to deal with the dog. On the flip side, I have to interrupt my day for a 40-minute walk and I don’t make a dime doing it. Is this fair?

I feel like I should be compensated for this, and because I’m dealing with someone I know, I’ll give her a deal. $10 per day to continue walking our dog and keeping the apartment piss-free. This would give me an extra $200 a month in income, which would increase my monthly income by about 400%.

I know what you’re saying…she’s the working person in the relationship and I’m the househusband. The exchange is her bringing in the money and me doing the chores/house management. I’d be fine with that, except I gotta tell you guys, she doesn’t give me any of that friggen money. If anything, she holds it over me that she has income and I don’t.

And don’t even get me started about what I should be charging for doing the dishes each morning, getting the mail and having a hot meal on the table every time she gets home.

Am I stumbling on a deeper conversation about proper compensation for housewives? Have I finally made the transition to overworked, oppressed stay-at-home Dad? Is there a snowball’s chance in Hell that Julie agrees to pay me to continue taking care of our dog?

These are just some of the questions I ask myself while providing free dog-walking services every day.

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