If you visit this blog often, you’re used to reading my expertly crafted movie reviews. But today I’m delivering my first ever movie preview. For the brain dead in my audience, this means I haven’t actually seen the movie yet.
I should probably clarify: For the women reading this, it’s a preview. For the men, it’s a public service announcement, a warning, a necessary heads-up.
Rachel McAdams is at it again…
The guy who wrote Notting Hill, Bridget Jones’s Diary and Love Actually is at it again…
If you haven’t heard of this new movie About Time, get acquainted quickly because it’s about to smack you right in your unsuspecting face. I’m not joking. This movie comes out on November 1st, and if your girlfriend/wife/emotionally-needy partner hasn’t insisted that you take her to see it yet, that’s only because she doesn’t know it exists.
I’ve been with my girlfriend twice when she’s seen the trailer for this movie, once at the theater and once in our living room, and both times she spontaneously melted. I’m talking tears, heavy breathing, audible ooohs and aaahs, and putting her hand over heart like that would stop it from breaking. And both times I could see her thoughts as if they were encapsulated in little bubbles floating over her head: “I wanna see this movie soooo bad, but more importantly, my boyfriend isn’t nearly in love with me enough to travel back in time if it was the only way we could be together.”
It makes no sense, but I know that’s what she’s thinking. While we sat on the couch together watching this preview (she in the state I already mentioned above, me cringing and trying to somehow slink out of the room unnoticed), I could hear her telepathically saying to me, “This guy is so in love with this woman that he’s risking his life for her, and you won’t even go to a couple’s cooking class with me.”
I could try to describe the plot of the movie to you, or you could learn about it in one of two other ways. You could watch the two-minute trailer…
Or you could read the very confusing and possibly inaccurate take on Wikipedia: About Time.
The fucking trailer…that’s what gets these women to go all-in on this being the greatest love story ever told. I won’t even disagree with them. Those 152 seconds of preview look magical. Hell, even I want to be with that guy. He’s this cute, innocent kid who discovers time travel, which is all he ever needed to unleash his full powers as a warm, caring, strong, passionate man. as;kleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb. Whoops. Just passed out on my keyboard from boredom.
But I’m betting the trailer is only showing the good qualities of this guy. I bet when women go see the full movie they’ll be shocked at all the time he spends watching football, setting his fantasy lineups, chugging Bud Lights and picking his nose.
So, men, there are only two ways you can go with this atrocity that’s being released in 12 days: Either suck it up and buy tickets to a showing on opening night so you look like the most caring boyfriend in the world (well, second most caring after that sniveling little Englishman in the movie), or find a reason to delay seeing it and hope your girlfriend’s friends, who are all obviously seeing it on opening weekend, tell her how terrible it was. Then maybe she won’t even want to see it.
Or the third option is suggest she goes to see it with a group of girlfriends. The danger there is that she spends the entire night talking to them about how “I always go see his stupid superhero movies and this was supposed to be my night to pick a movie. Maybe he’s not even the right guy for me. He never does anything I wanna do.”
And you don’t want that happening…or do you?
I’m just the messenger here. This chick flick train is barreling down the tracks. It’s on a collision course with your life. And there’s really nothing you can do to stop it.