It was about nine months ago that I created a separate category on my blog’s homepage called Wedding Planning Insanity. I did that because I obviously thought planning my wedding was going to be crazy, complicated, a nightmare, the death of me.

But if you look at that link you’ll find only three posts. This whole planning thing hasn’t been difficult at all. That’s a good thing for me and my fiancee’s sanity, but a terrible thing for my blog. I make a living off of complaining and criticizing and there just hasn’t been much of that happening during this process. (Note: I absolutely do NOT make a living off of those things.)

But hey, we officially have less than 100 days until my two best men give the worst speeches in the history of weddings, so why not try to force out some bitching & moaning about this whole process.

Let’s do this in the context of handing out some superlatives, shall we?

The Most Meaningless Words A Person Can Say During the Planning

“It’s your wedding. Do whatever you want.”

Translation: “It’s your wedding. Do whatever you want unless it conflicts with what I want.”

I’m still struggling to wrap my head around the amount of people who try to subtly or not-so-subtly influence your wedding decisions…friends, family, people who aren’t even invited. Doesn’t matter. My recommendation to the entire human race is to never make any assumptions about the wedding of someone you know. Don’t expect to be invited. Don’t expect your kids to be invited. Don’t expect the bride & groom to have the wedding in a convenient location or at a convenient time for you.

Remember, you said it yourself. It’s their wedding.

The Biggest Scam of Wedding Planning

Do It Yourself Projects! (DIY is what the cool kids call it, I think.)

I’m all for saving money, and my fiancee is all about Pinterest. So when she approached me with lots of little ideas on things she could do herself for the wedding that would save us money, it was a win for both of us. But then there’s that moment when you find out your fiancee isn’t the DIY expert that her Pinterest boards have been making her out to be all these years. For me it was the Gift Card Box. She convinced me that we’d spend less than half of the normal cost of a pre-made box if she made her own. Great. Except once you’re on your third attempt with your third box, you’ve actually spent more than what it would have cost to just buy one (not to mention we’re still trying to figure out how to get spray paint off the balcony of our rented apartment that we’re moving out of in one month).

That’s just one example of several things that have followed a similar path. You can understand why I’m convinced DIY is one big scam that makes you appreciate spending money on well-made/well-executed items.

Most Likely Reason For Calling the Wedding Off

I mentioned in a previous post that if we called this wedding off at any point, it would be because we couldn’t compromise on flowers. That’s actually not an issue anymore. So what is the new leading candidate for a reason we call the wedding off?

My fiancee may decide she’d rather not get married than have to write and deliver her own vows. Every time she thinks about this daunting task she throws up in her mouth a little bit and then asks me if it’s too late to disinvite 170 people and just elope instead.

Most Brilliant Money-Making Idea That’s Come Out of This Process

Which reminds me, I want to copyright the word “unvitations.” I’ve threatened to disinvite people left & right over the past few months who have pissed me off for one reason or another. Instead of calling them and having that awkward conversation, I think a nice little unvitation they get in the mail that says, “You’re cordially disinvited to the most amazing wedding in the history of the world,” is a nice touch. And then depending on the reason, it would either say, “This unvitation is due to the fact that you totally tricked Ross into an awful fantasy football trade that he’s still mad about,” or, “It’s not you, it’s us. We’ve simply invited too many people and now we have to walk that back a bit. You’re still on our list of “Top 200 People We Want At Our Wedding,” but you didn’t crack the top 150. Therefore, here’s your official unvitation.”

*Unvitations will come in gloss, matte and embossed style.

Strangest Moment During Wedding Planning

My fiancee and I were set up on a blind date with another couple by our wedding coordinator. When we met with our coordinator last Fall, she started talking about this recently married couple who lives in the same general area of LA where we live. Then she decided we needed to make friends with them because we have so much in common….for instance, they like food too!

So we went out with this lovely couple one night. And they were terrific. But it’s like, c’mon, we’re 32 years old. People don’t make new friends at that age. We stick with the friends we have until they eventually die off. And then we’re completely alone. Holy crap, this paragraph took a turn I wasn’t expecting.

Anyway, at my age there needs to be a lot more in common with someone to become their friend. Basically, you need to be from New England, love sports, and actually, I need to already know you.

Scariest Moment During Wedding Planning

Linking the two Moms up because…oh god, what are they talking about all those times they’re on the phone or hanging out? (I have no idea, but I bet an opinion or 10 about how many kids we should have is part of it.)

Most Frustrating Recurring Aspect of Wedding Planning

Just a minor piece of advice for the 170 people who are being invited to my wedding: Before asking the bride & groom about every little detail that will help you plan your trip to San Diego, do us a favor and at least re-check the Save the Date. On it you will find a website. On that website is a world of information waiting for you. Things like where the ceremony is, what time the ceremony begins, what hotels we got room blocks at, where you should search for houses if you want to go that route, where we’re registered, THE DATE OF THE FRIGGEN WEDDING, and so much more. Just remember that you’re one of 170. If you ask us five questions, realize that we’re probably answering 850 questions just like them.

I’m not saying you can’t reach out to us with questions or concerns. I’m just saying to do us the courtesy of using the info we’ve already provided you first. And if you don’t find your answer there, then give us a call. (Please don’t call. Text us instead.)

The other alternative would have been for you to tell us eight months ago not to bother sending you a Save the Date because you won’t use it for anything. Then we could have saved that one stamp and been prepared for your idiotic questions.

Most Frustrating Single Incident During Wedding Planning

This is actually a tie between two ridiculous things that recently happened:

1. The Airbnb we booked five months ago—the one that we’re supposed to be staying at for six nights leading up to the wedding and the one that all the bridesmaids were going to spend the day of the wedding getting ready at—cancelled our reservation without warning or any legitimate reason.
2. One of the hotels where we reserved a room block reneged on their promise to allow us to use a space on their property to host the day-after brunch.

Most Naive Words Uttered By Me Over the Past 8 Months

“We sat down and figured out everything we need for the wedding and we budgeted for every single item on that list. There shouldn’t be any surprises.”

Whoops.

I said that to a friend about six months ago, and he laughed. He laughed because he’s married. He told me to wait until I realize there are 100 little things we haven’t thought of that all cost money. I didn’t take him seriously because I pride myself on being a logistics & planning genius. And in fact, he was wrong. There weren’t 100 little things we hadn’t thought of. There were 3,000.

For instance, I could have never known ahead of time that we’d “need” a special, custom stamp to help us put our return address on hundreds of envelopes. Or that we’d need mini-chalkboards that would indicate to our guests certain seats are reserved or where to find the dessert table.

Most Ridiculous Cost of the Entire Wedding

You might think I’m crazy for this one because from a pure cost standpoint it’s a drop in the bucket of the overall wedding budget. But having to purchase wedding insurance is absolutely confounding to me. My brain hurts just thinking about it.

I guess I’m of the mindset that the more money you pay for services, the more that should be included. Like, I get if we were doing a wedding in a public park where we weren’t being charged much/anything, I might want to buy insurance in case anything goes wrong (for instance, we start a forest fire, or my least favorite uncle is “accidentally” pushed off a cliff). But when a venue is charging us $X,XXX.XX and that cost includes almost nothing? Maybe toss in the insurance. It’s a small gesture that would go a long way, I promise.

Most Nerve-Racking Words Uttered By A Vendor

“We’ve never done that before, but sure, we can try it.”

I’ve started to understand why some people still go with the traditional things in a wedding. For instance, a wedding cake. It’s not because they can’t think of a better or more fun dessert to provide their guests. It’s because businesses have been making wedding cakes for hundreds of years! When you decide to design your own custom mini-dessert bar, you run into a bunch of vendors saying, “We’ve made four of your six choices before so we know how to do those, but these other two, we’ve never made. But sure, we can try it.” It’s not the most comforting thing going into your wedding knowing someone is “trying something” for the first time ever at your expense.

Best Part of Wedding Planning

By far the most fun thing we’ve done during this wedding planning—other than figuring out the honeymoon because nothing can compete with that—is picking out all the music. I’m not talking about the music during the hours of general dancing. We’re letting the DJ figure that out. I’m talking about music for the ceremony entrance and exit, the wedding party’s entrance at the reception, our first dance, etc. In fact, if most of these song choices don’t get dozens of comments from our guests, I will be so disappointed. I’m that jazzed up about it (and to be even more dramatic about it, I think the ceremony entrance songs are the greatest decisions I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life).

The toughest song to pick was the parent dance. We’re doing the father/daughter & mother/son dance as one, and there just aren’t many songs that are super appropriate for that type of dance. First of all, most love songs are written about someone’s actual lover (and usually include overt or semi-discreet sexual connotations). And many songs that would be appropriate for just a father/daughter dance aren’t appropriate for the mother/son part, such as “My Girl.” People said not to pay too much attention to the lyrics or else you’ll never find a suitable song, but I can’t help it. For example, I really like The Beatles’ “I Want To Hold Your Hand,” but there’s a line in there that goes: “And when I touch you, I feel happy inside.”

I just couldn’t get past that.

Second Most Anticipated Part of the Wedding

After the music, the thing I’m most excited about is the groomsmen’s socks. I can’t say another word about it, but if people don’t absolutely love the idea/theme, I’m gonna remember this wedding as the worst day of my life.

There you have it. Nine months of planning down, three months to go, and only a dozen things to complain about.