My Desperate Attempt to Extend the Date I’m on with my Readers: Conversation Starters (Bad Habits, Worst Costume and More)

To my loyal readers who don’t give a damn about football, I think it’s obvious that we have a problem. After months and months of us having so much to talk about, the well’s run dry. It’s like we’re on a first date, and the first six months of this blog was the part where I talk and talk and talk about anything under the sun. And you’re like the quiet girl on the date who doesn’t have much to say but thinks I’m hilarious and spends all her time laughing at my stories. And the last couple months has been the part where I’ve kinda run out of things to say, so I pull out my wallet and start showing you pictures of my kid (or in this case, my dog). But now we’ve exhausted that part too. I see you nodding and giving a polite smile whenever I talk about my dog, but I can tell you’re thinking “Will it seem obvious if I pretend to get an emergency phone call that forces me to cut this date short?” So instead of having this magical night end abruptly, I’m turning to a device that any desperate man who’s looking to get laid would turn to…the google search results to “conversation starters on a date.”

That’s right. I’m not below relying on someone else to provide me with topics of discussion. In fact, I feel like it’s the only shot you all have of reading non-football posts over the next two months. I’ll admit this is a risky road to travel. Rather than blog about noteworthy things I’m observing in my everyday life, I’ll be talking about past experiences/inner thoughts that might only pertain to me. And there’s a good chance you’ll hate me after reading some of these. But this blog needs page views and I have no better idea on how to generate them.

When you google “conversation starters on a date,” you inevitably get a mix of lame topics (where were you born? what do you do for exercise?), and outrageous topics (what animal besides humans do you think would make the best world leaders?). I’m going for the topics that are somewhere in the middle. I’ll limit it to just a few questions on this first post, and if it catches on, I’ll post a series of them over the coming weeks. Sound good? Great. Let’s roll.

1). Do you prefer the window seat or the aisle seat on a plane?

Starting with an easy one. This depends on the length of the trip and what my goals for the flight are. Usually if it’s a two-hour-or-less kind of flight, I’m taking the aisle seat because there’s a good chance the people in my row won’t be bothering me with repeated trips to the bathroom, and because I always wanna get off the plane as quickly as humanly possible. But if it’s a long flight, I’m all about the window. That way I can be in my own little world, not have any tiny bladder people asking me to move every hour and can use the window as a pillow and sleep the flight away. The only other reason I’d pick the aisle is if I know I’m going to be drinking heavily on the flight (i.e. any time I fly to Vegas). Because that’s when I turn into a tiny bladder person myself.

2). What’s the longest you’ve ever waited in line?

Originally I was thinking it was on one of our family trips to DisneyWorld when I was a kid and we waited FOREVER to get into the Indiana Jones show. But actually I once slept overnight in a line on the sidewalk next to Fenway Park to try to get Yankees/Red Sox tickets for the next day. I believe I was in line from 11PM until 10AM the next day. I remember having an incredible amount of adrenaline over the first three hours because it was such a cool thing to do. But when that faded, I decided it was one of the three worst ideas I’d ever had. I used a wine bottle as a pillow that night. And if memory serves, I believe me and my buddies got kicked out of that game in the fourth inning. So yeah, 11 hours of waiting in line to see one-third of a baseball game. Good times.

3). Do you prefer baths or showers?

I have absolutely no patience for baths.

4). What’s the habit you’re proudest of breaking?

Well I’m still working on some of the typical bad habits like biting my nails and picking my nose. And I still catch myself with my hand down my pants in public sometimes. Would love to break all those some day. I guess it would have to be going into a casino and spending every single dollar I have to my name. That was a pretty bad habit I had in college.

5). What’s the first thing you wash in the shower?

Legs. I’m a “start from the bottom and work my way up” kinda guy. Although I often wonder if I should wash my face first before the soap has all of my armpit and ball residue on it. But then I just remind myself that soap can’t possibly be dirty because it’s soap.

6). Where were you on September 11, 2001?

Jesus this got serious quickly. Listen, it was a Tuesday morning at like 9AM. Where do you think a freshman in college who had probably been out late the night before was? Asleep in my (or someone’s) bed. I was woken up by my brother calling from the West Coast to tell me to “stay out of tall buildings today.” I’m sure my first thought was “Does this get me out of classes for the day?” That call started a disturbing trend…whenever Neil wakes me up with an early morning phone call, it’s bad news (runner-up to the 9/11 news was him calling to tell me that the greatest Red Sox player of all time, Ted Williams, had died. I admit it’s a distant runner-up, but still…).

7). What was your best, or worst, Halloween costume?

I can actually answer best and worst with the same costume. It was senior year of high school. My friend Sam and I wanted to dress up in something outrageous for the party we were all going to. I believe we had just learned in religion class earlier that month what a partial birth abortion was. Naturally we decided to be partial birth abortion doctors. The execution of this plan was nothing more than wearing doctor scrubs, squirting some fake blood on ourselves and taping a sign to us that said “partial birth abortion doctors.” So I showed up to the party in all my glory, and I found Sam dressed in a poncho and sombrero. His explanation? “My girlfriend wouldn’t let me dress in our original costume idea.” Are you fucking kidding me, Sam? Do you know how insane it looks for one guy to be dressed as a partial birth abortion doctor? But it was too late for me to change it up. I just had to own that creepy costume, and I did. (Yes, you’re allowed to be disgusted with me right now. I’m pretty disgusted with myself.)

There I go doing all the talking again. This is the type of blog post where it would be really cool for my readers to respond with some of their answers to these questions. That way I don’t feel like the clueless guy on the date who can’t pick up on a signal that you’re bored out of your mind.

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What’s in My Google Search History? – Round 2

If you haven’t seen my first version of “what’s in my google search history” that I posted on March 1st, give it a look here: Is your google search history as ridiculous as mine?

We all have some ridiculous, strange searches in our history because whenever we have a question about any topic these days, we whip out our phone, Mac or obscure Microsoft device. I’m not immune to this. Whereas my last post about google search was promoted as “what the average 29-year-old has on his recent search history,” this post is best described as “what the average 29-year-old who recently moved to LA, adopted a puppy and spends all his free time blogging has on his recent search history.”

Enjoy.

“Is sheetrock easy to cut” – Yes, it is. And no, it’s not a good material to use as a shelf to hold heavy items.

“capricious” – I’d estimate I use google for help with spelling, grammar, definitions of certain words, and the correct way to use sayings about seven times per week. Here are some other ones:

-“if i do say so myself”

-“word to describe someone who always tries to fix things”

-“pre-pubescent”

-“correct spelling of moustache” – don’t some people spell it “mustache” and some spell it “moustache”??

-“once and awhile”

 -“jujube”

-“ostracized”

-“recluse”

-“reminiscing”

“how do minnesota people talk” – If writing doesn’t work out, acting is next on my list. Trying to expand my portfolio of accents.

“texas accent” – Ditto.

“cliche texas sayings” – Was planning for a trip to Texas and wanted to be able to mimic/offend all of the locals.

“longest labor ever recorded” – Trying to find stats to make my brother and sister-in-law feel better as their labor was getting on to 20 hours.

“little red schoolhouse in wakefield ma” – Any good pedophile always keeps a detailed list of every suburban schoolhouse.

“mint ice cream recipe” – If the acting backup plan doesn’t work out, the backup to the backup plan is to open my own ice cream shop where we sell only one type of ice cream.

“saudi arabian women” – Part of my nightly porn search or a suggestion to Julie on how she should dress?

“celebrity with small bust” – Thought I saw a celebrity, but couldn’t put my finger on her name. Figured there were only a couple of them in all of LA with a small chest.

“terminal cancer” – My latest movie idea about a man who has cancer, but as long as he stays inside an airport terminal, the cancer doesn’t spread throughout his body. Just wanted to make sure no one else had already come up with such a brilliant idea.

“best boogie boarding in southern california” – Apparently Julie and I are into boogie boarding so much that we’d be willing to drive anywhere in SoCal to find good waves.

“diplomatic immunity” – Was trying to find out how I can acquire this type of immunity. Turns out you can’t just apply for it or get on a waiting list.

“size of professional boxing ring” – Turns out I do not have enough space in my apartment to build one of these.

“gmail” – What kind of idiot searches google for gmail? This kind of idiot.

“how many cups in a quart” – Typical monthly conversion search. A great example of why children don’t need to learn in school anymore. Just use google as your brain.

“real simple writing contest” – I’m trying to start off nice and slow with my writing career.

“how to use camera on macbook pro” – Another frequent kind of search for me…I’m so Mac-tarded that I often have to search for instructions on how to do simple functions on my computer.

“drew barrymore in never been kissed” – Favorite actress in my favorite movie.

“girl from tom sawyer” – Becky Thatcher is the answer. Random trivia for the month of August that I needed to verify.

“lamaze classes” – Hmm, not sure about this one. Let’s assume I was looking up info for a blog post or story idea.

“dennis hopper” – My monthly “is this actor still alive” google search.

“sunny side up” – Ever looked up instructions for something on google and felt really, really dumb after doing it? That was me when I looked up how to cook eggs sunny side up (instructions: crack egg into skillet, don’t flip. That is all).

“other name for skirt steak” – Kilt steak is the answer.

“best nfl betting games to play with friends” – I probably should have followed this with an immediate search for “LA area gambling addicts meetings.”

 

Finally, here’s the dog-related search terms. No need for explanation on each. Let’s just say Julie and I are extremely thankful that google exists otherwise our monthly vet bill would probably be in the range of $5,000, just for the vet to keep telling us we’re fucking nuts and our dog is fine.

“dog whisperer organic dog food”

“fake grass for dogs”

“dog lethargic after shots”

“dog panting while asleep”

“correct bath temperature for dogs”

“is rawhide bad for dogs”

“how often do you brush your dog’s teeth”

“how often do you clip your dogs nails”

“training a puppy not to bite”

“how do I calm my puppy down”

“dogs eyes rolling back in head when sleeping”

“puppy separation anxiety”

“crate training problems dog won’t stay in crate”

“how do i get my puppy to hold her bladder”

“dog hiccups”

“can puppy eat peanut butter”

Who wants to feel a whole lot smarter today?

Just go ahead and read through these directions that I hijacked from a friend’s email.  You’ll feel a lot better about your intelligence level.

If the image is too small to read, click on it to enlarge

Call me sexist.  I don’t care.  This email would only ever exist between two women.  If one of my male friends ever asked me for this level of detail on directions, I would tell him he doesn’t deserve to visit the Academy of Sciences, and I would refuse to help.

Anyway, the only real reason for posting this is to point out that this was an email sent to a fully capable 29-year-old woman.  Not a six-year-old; not a mentally challenged person; not a caveman that was just recently unfrozen for the first time in 10,000 years.  A 29-year-old woman with an iPhone, which comes with a nice little GPS device.  You’d think the link to the google maps directions or even just the address of the place would suffice.  My favorite is, “Reverse directions for the way home.”  Good reminder.

Stunning.  Happy Friday.