Lent is for two kinds of people: wannabe good Christians that don’t do a goddamned thing all year to promote their religious beliefs, but decide to take part in the self-denial portion of Lent just because it draws attention, and fat people who have already failed their New Year’s resolutions.
For those Christian fake-dogooders, it’s a chance to draw attention by publicly declaring all the things they’re giving up. “I know giving up my daily porn fix is crazy, but if Jesus could wander the desert for 40 days, this is the least I can do.”
And for the fatties, it’s a chance to have a do over with your New Year’s resolution to stop being lazy, go to the gym, stop eating chocolate, whatever. Once these people find out on January 4th that there’s no way they can go a year without their vices, they wait until Lent and commit to trying for 40 days, it’s much more manageable.
In Catholic school, we usually gave up swearing or eating a certain snack/treat for the 40 days. One year I tried to give up my bad habit of printing out naked pics of celebrities and bringing them to school, but I couldn’t last the 40 days.
Anyway, this all got me thinking, what should Rmurdera give up for Lent? (anyone who’s read the majority of my blogs is screaming at their computer right now for me to give up talking in the 3rd person. Fine, that’ll be one of them. I’m telling ya the Kid can do it. Starting now)
I’ve consulted w/ Google to find the 10 Most Cliched Things People Give up for Lent. Let’s run through it:
HA! Let’s make this one simple so we can move on. I go to Vegas from March 14-18th to watch the first round of March Madness games with a bunch of dudes. Sobriety is not an option.
2). Chocolate & Sweets
This one will never happen. Lent happens to precede the holiday known as Easter. Lent is also the only time of year where stores carry Cadbury Mini-Eggs, the greatest candy known to man. I’m much more likely to eat 40 bags of mini-eggs in 40 days than try to give them up.
Ten bucks says I don’t make it to the end of this post without swearing.
Here’s one I can probably handle. On average I probably post something to FB once every 8 months. The problem is really boredom. Whenever I’m alone standing in a line, waiting around, or any other times of general boredom, after catching up on 5 iphone games, looking through both work & personal email, checking weather & stocks (who am I?), and checking espn, I finally get around to scrolling through Facebook to pass the time. I get bored often enough for this to be challenging. But fine, let’s give it a whirl.
Cruising past this because TV is awesome and I already mentioned 4 days of watching basketball in Vegas.
6). Junk Food
Here’s how my Vegas meals usually go down: Pizza, Denny’s, McDonald’s, Sbarro, Burger from sportsbook, Krispy Kreme, Wendy’s, Panda Express, Food Court Mexican (diarrhea for 1), all-you-can-eat buffet at strip club, Denny’s. Next.
I’ll make you a deal here. I won’t drink any soda unless I’m mixing it with alcohol, buying it at the movie theater, or if my girlfriend happens to have a Diet Coke with her while we’re hanging out.
It specifies cigarettes, just to be clear. And yes, I will continue to not smoke cigarettes.
Negative. I despise talking over the phone to 90% of the people in my contact list. Sometimes I still have to talk to them. Texting is the answer.
Fine, no gossip. But I’m still gonna tell tales, talk idly, jibber jabber, and meddle.
The final tally: No going on Facebook (except when this blog auto-posts to FB); No drinking soda except with alcohol, at the movies, or if my girlfriend has Diet Coke; Continue not smoking cigarettes; No “gossiping,” and No talking in the 3rd person. Rmurdera thinks he can handle this shit for the next 40 days.
5 thoughts on “Lent: Reset your New Year’s Resolution starting Now”
Very entertaining post (probably because I can identify with the majority of it myself). Good luck and may the easiest (is NOT smoking cigarettes for a non-smoker really giving up something?) sacrifice win. DAD
Wait a second, where is the Krispy Kreme in Vegas?
You have pubic hair on the top of your head
Neil – I haven’t been to Vegas nearly as many times as you but I do remember seeing a Krispy Kreme in New York New York I think.
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