Dear SF Bay Area Residents Who Will Have the Pleasure of Meeting Our Dog Molly This Weekend:

While Julie and I are ecstatic to introduce our little girl to all of our friends and family, we wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what to expect both with the puppy’s behavior and some of our training/obedience methods.

This is an incomplete list so please check with Julie or myself before you interact with the dog. Even eye contact with Molly without our permission can lead to a disaster that ends with a trip to the emergency room.

Rule #1: If Molly greets you by trying to jump up and put her front paws on your thighs or waist, we’d appreciate it if you grab those front paws and hold her up in a “slow dance” position until she starts to squirm and get really uncomfortable. Then hold her up for an extra three seconds after she starts to squirm. We think she’ll eventually associate jumping on people with that uncomfortable “standing on two legs” feeling. And yes, when you finally let her down, she’s likely to lunge at your arms and try to bite them. Please see rule #2 for instructions on biting.

Rule #2: Molly is a puppy and will have her “puppy moments” when she tries to bite anything and everything. If you find yourself in a situation where Molly is lunging at your arms, hands or genitals with her mouth open, we’d like you to not pull those body parts away from her mouth suddenly. We think this will only entice her to attack your further. We’ve read that if you actually move towards her mouth with the body part she’s going after and dare her to bite it, she’s less likely to keep attacking. If she does latch onto that body part, just give her a stern “no” while pushing her away. It’s important to stay calm even if she has the tip of your penis between her teeth. Thank you and feel free to wear a cup if you’re planning on seeing us.

Rule #3: Now let’s say Molly gets into a “mood” and she starts trying to bite any human within a 10-foot radius of her. If Julie or I are paying attention (you can assume I won’t be on Saturday after about 4pm based on the amount of alcohol I’m planning to consume), you might hear one of us yell out “OCTAGON!” What that means is we need to quickly set up our 3-foot high metal playpen gate in an octagon shape surrounding the dog. Putting Molly in the octagon sometimes is the only way to ensure she can only hurt herself or the metal gate, nothing else. If you hear us yell out “OCTAGON,” look out for a temporarily psychotic dog.

Rule #4: Speaking of biting and chewing…If you happen to own a house or rent an apartment that we’ll be bringing Molly to this weekend, just know that anything that’s not nailed or screwed into the floor can and will be chewed and carried around your place. Plan accordingly. It is not Molly’s fault if she chews on your shoes, your flatscreen TV or even your baby’s dirty diaper. If it’s within her reach, she thinks it belongs to her.

Rule #5: There’s a good chance Molly has a minor case of separation anxiety, meaning whenever humans stop playing with her, she’s likely to start barking and crying. Our strategy with this is to immediately leave the room that she’s in when she starts to bark. The thinking is she’ll eventually learn that barking makes all the humans leave, but staying quiet makes us appear. So if she starts barking this weekend, even if there’s a group of 15 of us hanging out, we’d appreciate it if everyone follows us into a different room to prove a point to our dog. This is likely to disrupt conversations and possibly drinking games, but it’s a good way to avoid an octagon situation.

Rule #6: One of the many things we’ve learned from the Dog Whisperer is that you shouldn’t use your dog’s name when yelling at her, correcting her, or basically when she’s doing anything negative. So if she bites you, chews on something of yours, or pisses on your oriental rug, please don’t say, “Molly, no!” Here are some helpful nicknames that I use when correcting her: “Asshole,” “Little Bitch,” “Dickhead,” “Piece of Shit,” and “Fucker.” You’re welcome to use any of these names, or feel free to invent a new one.