If you haven’t seen my first version of “what’s in my google search history” that I posted on March 1st, give it a look here: Is your google search history as ridiculous as mine?
We all have some ridiculous, strange searches in our history because whenever we have a question about any topic these days, we whip out our phone, Mac or obscure Microsoft device. I’m not immune to this. Whereas my last post about google search was promoted as “what the average 29-year-old has on his recent search history,” this post is best described as “what the average 29-year-old who recently moved to LA, adopted a puppy and spends all his free time blogging has on his recent search history.”
“Is sheetrock easy to cut” – Yes, it is. And no, it’s not a good material to use as a shelf to hold heavy items.
“capricious” – I’d estimate I use google for help with spelling, grammar, definitions of certain words, and the correct way to use sayings about seven times per week. Here are some other ones:
-“if i do say so myself”
-“word to describe someone who always tries to fix things”
-“correct spelling of moustache” – don’t some people spell it “mustache” and some spell it “moustache”??
-“once and awhile”
“texas accent” – Ditto.
“cliche texas sayings” – Was planning for a trip to Texas and wanted to be able to mimic/offend all of the locals.
“longest labor ever recorded” – Trying to find stats to make my brother and sister-in-law feel better as their labor was getting on to 20 hours.
“little red schoolhouse in wakefield ma” – Any good pedophile always keeps a detailed list of every suburban schoolhouse.
“mint ice cream recipe” – If the acting backup plan doesn’t work out, the backup to the backup plan is to open my own ice cream shop where we sell only one type of ice cream.
“saudi arabian women” – Part of my nightly porn search or a suggestion to Julie on how she should dress?
“celebrity with small bust” – Thought I saw a celebrity, but couldn’t put my finger on her name. Figured there were only a couple of them in all of LA with a small chest.
“terminal cancer” – My latest movie idea about a man who has cancer, but as long as he stays inside an airport terminal, the cancer doesn’t spread throughout his body. Just wanted to make sure no one else had already come up with such a brilliant idea.
“best boogie boarding in southern california” – Apparently Julie and I are into boogie boarding so much that we’d be willing to drive anywhere in SoCal to find good waves.
“diplomatic immunity” – Was trying to find out how I can acquire this type of immunity. Turns out you can’t just apply for it or get on a waiting list.
“size of professional boxing ring” – Turns out I do not have enough space in my apartment to build one of these.
“gmail” – What kind of idiot searches google for gmail? This kind of idiot.
“how many cups in a quart” – Typical monthly conversion search. A great example of why children don’t need to learn in school anymore. Just use google as your brain.
“real simple writing contest” – I’m trying to start off nice and slow with my writing career.
“how to use camera on macbook pro” – Another frequent kind of search for me…I’m so Mac-tarded that I often have to search for instructions on how to do simple functions on my computer.
“drew barrymore in never been kissed” – Favorite actress in my favorite movie.
“girl from tom sawyer” – Becky Thatcher is the answer. Random trivia for the month of August that I needed to verify.
“lamaze classes” – Hmm, not sure about this one. Let’s assume I was looking up info for a blog post or story idea.
“dennis hopper” – My monthly “is this actor still alive” google search.
“sunny side up” – Ever looked up instructions for something on google and felt really, really dumb after doing it? That was me when I looked up how to cook eggs sunny side up (instructions: crack egg into skillet, don’t flip. That is all).
“other name for skirt steak” – Kilt steak is the answer.
“best nfl betting games to play with friends” – I probably should have followed this with an immediate search for “LA area gambling addicts meetings.”
Finally, here’s the dog-related search terms. No need for explanation on each. Let’s just say Julie and I are extremely thankful that google exists otherwise our monthly vet bill would probably be in the range of $5,000, just for the vet to keep telling us we’re fucking nuts and our dog is fine.
“dog whisperer organic dog food”
“fake grass for dogs”
“dog lethargic after shots”
“dog panting while asleep”
“correct bath temperature for dogs”
“is rawhide bad for dogs”
“how often do you brush your dog’s teeth”
“how often do you clip your dogs nails”
“training a puppy not to bite”
“how do I calm my puppy down”
“dogs eyes rolling back in head when sleeping”
“puppy separation anxiety”
“crate training problems dog won’t stay in crate”
“how do i get my puppy to hold her bladder”
“can puppy eat peanut butter”