General BS

Travel Days Always Cause Me To Eat Like a 300lb Man, And I Couldn’t Be Happier About It

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

I’m a fat, junk food-eating kid at heart. If there were no repercussions, I would probably consume somewhere in the neighborhood of 4,500 calories each day. I’m talking a gigantic breakfast burrito in the morning, pizza & soda for lunch, burger & fries from Five Guys for dinner, and most likely some snacks in between. Oh, and the Peanut Butter Cup Perfection from Cold Stone Creamery would be a nightly post-dinner occurrence.

You can have your grilled tilapia over quinoa and cranberry & walnut salad. I’ll take the junk food.

Unfortunately my life expectancy would probably plummet from its current range of 52-55 years old to the “dead at 35” range if I ate like this every day.

As a matter of fact, I eat this type of junk food almost none of the time anymore. Something about being 30 years old means there’s a 93% chance that every time I eat like this I feel like shit the next day. The number of Tums I consume to combat heartburn has gone from “never took a single Tums in my life up until age 28” to “if I’m eating a heavy meal I might as well just mix a handful of Tums into the main course and get a jump on that awful feeling.” It also seems like my girlfriend wants me to live long enough for us to own an entire herd of gigantic dogs…so she’s pretty motivated to help me eat healthy.

And this is exactly why I now look forward to “travel days” more than anything else in my life. It’s the only time I feel completely justified eating garbage. I’ve convinced myself that a day in which I travel far (longer than a two-hour drive or any length of plane ride) provides enough inconveniences to my normal routine that eating junk food is the only option I have.

And before you say “Yeah, but there are so many ways to avoid this behavior…you can pack a healthy lunch for a car ride or even a flight…or you can be selective and eat the healthiest options on the airport restaurant menus”…save it. The point isn’t that I act this way out of necessity. It’s that I want to have a built-in situation where I allow myself to binge on my favorite greasy and/or sugary foods.

OK, confession time. It’s not just on the days that I’m actually traveling. If I travel to San Francisco or Boston, which happens often, I eat every day I’m there like saturated fats and high fructose corn syrup are going away for good. Since I’ve lived in these two cities and have tried most of the good restaurants, I don’t feel compelled to seek out high-quality healthy meals from new places. So I eat bacon cheeseburgers from Wendy’s, steak & cheese subs from D’Angelo’s, carnitas burritos from Anna’s Taqueria, and just about anything else that makes a paper bag see-through if you rub that food on it for five seconds.

It’s a pretty amazing cycle actually. I spend every day at home eating healthy and exercising. So when I travel, I feel that it’s fine to have a few days of bad eating because I’ve earned it. And then when I get home from the vacation, I feel terrible about myself and work my ass off for a few days trying to lose the 13lbs I gained over that weekend. The net result will probably leave me at a soft, doughy 190lbs for the rest of my life, and that’s fine…because the fast food is just so damn good.

Now just so you know, I’m not completely disgusting. If I’m doing a long drive late at night (after dinner), I’m not going to be stopping five times for burgers & fries. In those situations I ease off the heavy meats and go for a lighter mix like this:

IMG_1993

That picture’s from a road trip to San Francisco from January. And that haul of snacks didn’t even get me through the first 150 miles.

So this week I head back to Boston for six days. I already have lunch plans on Thursday with a friend to devour a burrito (at least a burrito, perhaps a quesadilla as a second course) from Anna’s. I know I’ll have Wendy’s at least once and D’Angelo’s at least twice back in Fitchburg. On Thursday night I’m sure I’ll have a burger and several appetizers of the fried food variety at whatever bar I end up at while watching the Bruins game.

Since this is shaping up to be a particularly unhealthy trip, I actually made a grilled chicken sandwich to take to the airport with me in the morning. Maybe eating it on the plane can be my only meal while I travel on Wednesday. But knowing me, I’ll eat the chicken sandwich at 6AM on the way to the airport, grab a croissan’wich & hash browns from Burger King while I wait for my flight, and then get a giant bag of Peanut M&M’s for the plane. I also hear it’s supposed to be 80 degrees in Boston when I land…perfect chocolate milkshake weather.

And let’s be honest…am I really going to wait for my friend to get to Boston on Thursday for my first Anna’s Burrito? No, I’ll be going directly from Logan Airport to their closest location for that sweet, sweet carnitas.

And when I return to LA next week, I’ll feel terrible. I’ll be lethargic for a few days, and I’ll spend extra time in the bathroom. I’ll try to go for a simple two-mile run and wonder why it seems like I’m running with lead shoes on. I’ll be miserable.

But then I’ll cheer up when I realize I’m only two weeks away from my next road trip.

Guest Blogger Predicting Round 2 of the NHL Playoffs (He Promises To Get More Than 1 Series Right This Time)

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

[Editor’s Note: Nkilla is back with his 2nd round predictions. I can’t even get away with watching two hockey games a night before my girlfriend is questioning how invested I am in our relationship. This friggen guy somehow has a wife, a kid and even a full-time job, yet somehow he’s allowed to watch every game?? Makes no sense, but glad to have him on board predicting (mostly incorrectly) all the results of the games.]

Round One of the Stanley Cup playoffs is in the books. Glad you all made it through with all your teeth still in place. Before we dive into the round two series rankings, let’s recap what happened in round one where my predictions went right and completely ignore any predictions I got wrong.

Chicago v Minnesota – As predicted this was a fairly uneventful series. The teams split two overtime games, and Chicago won the other three games easily. The most exciting thing that happened in this series is that Minnesota’s starting goalie got injured during pregame warmups for game one, so they had to go to their second-stringer at the last second. For those of you that do not follow the NHL very closely, players prepare for the goalie they are about to face similarly to the ways a batter prepares for a pitcher in the old man’s game (baseball): studying tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses. So anyone that got excited because Minnesota forced OT in game one and thought the Wild might make a series out of it was ignoring the fact that Chicago would study up on the new goalie and make the appropriate adjustments.

Pittsburgh v Brooklyn – I was completely off on this series. This turned into one of the better series in the first round. The crowds for the games on Long Island were fantastic, which always helps elevate a series. I also did not see the Vancouver-esque goalie drama that was coming Pittsburgh’s way. Not that I thought their first-stringer, Marc-Andre Fleury was great, but I thought Pittsburgh would score six goals a game so the fact that he was giving up four a game wouldn’t matter. After Brooklyn had huge comeback wins in games two and four, Pittsburgh had to make a goalie change. The backup pitched a shutout in game five (see the pitcher analogy above) but started to let in goals in game six. It will be interesting to see how this plays out going forward. Pittsburgh won the two overtime games in this series which was probably the biggest reason they advanced with a 4-2 series win.

St. Louis v Los Angeles – Here is what I wrote about this series in the round one preview: “In the last month or so the Kings have been getting back to form. I think this is one of those series that goes five or six games but seems like it was a sweep.” Nailed it. After losing the first two games, the Kings won the next four (which is essentially a sweep, right?) to take the series. All six games were decided by one goal, but other than a few late-game goals it was not all that exciting.

Anaheim v Detroit – Not to keep bragging, but nailed it again. Here is what I wrote about this series before round one: “This series may very well go all seven games and we will probably get a couple of OT games as well. The reason this series is not higher on the list is that there is almost no history between the two teams and not a lot of household names on either team.” This was a fantastic series that nobody noticed. Anaheim erased a three goal deficit with 12 minutes left in game two only to lose in OT. Detroit came from behind and won in OT in game four to stay in the series, only to have the Ducks return the favor in game five. Anaheim scored two goals in the final three minutes of game six, only to lose in OT capping off three consecutive OT games. Again, great series, just too bad almost nobody was talking about it.

Washington v New York – I stand by my statement that both of these teams are bad. What I did not calculate was that when two bad teams play each other they can cancel each other out and you might get an entertaining seven game series. As expected you have a ton of built-up hatred because it is two close proximity east coast teams. There were plenty of entertaining skirmishes and an extremely entertaining 5-on-5 brawl after the final whistle of game six.  What ends up diminishing the enjoyment of this series a bit was that game seven was a giant dud.

Boston v Toronto – Let’s just go with my tweet immediately after game seven since I still can’t believe how things unfolded in this series, especially the last ten minutes of this series, and I certainly cannot coherently sum it up yet: “Well then, that was something.”

Vancouver v San Jose – Well, at least I predicted that San Jose would win this series. And Vancouver was nice enough to switch up goalies at least once, but this was not a very entertaining series. Vancouver never had a chance, which I understand for most NHL fans is nice to see since I think most non-Vancouvans are sick of this team by now. But in terms of playoff hockey value it was not a great series. And my advice to the Canucks – blow it up. You have taken a step back every year since losing in the Cup finals. It is time for a fresh approach.

Montreal v Ottawa – So close yet so far away. For three games I was looking like a genius. Everything I wrote in the round one preview about how great this series could be was coming true. After three games Ottawa was up 2-1 in the series, there had been what I can only describe as a small lake of blood on the ice at one point during game one, and this happened in the middle of game three:

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how much you despise the Canadiens) Montreal blew a two goal lead with nine minutes to play in game four, eventually lost the game in OT, suffered some season-ending injuries to several players including their goalie, and Ottawa won the series in five games.

 

So now onto the second round. There are four series in this round, enough to rank them from worst to best in terms of predicted entertainment value:

4. Chicago v Detroit – It is not that I think this is going to be a bad series, I just think the other three series will be better. Two of the original Six teams meeting in the playoffs. Both these teams have great fan bases and long histories. Detroit was unable to beat Chicago in four regular season meetings, but based on what we just saw in the Anaheim series and their history you never count Detroit out in the playoffs. I suspect the intensity of this series to grow with each game.

The Pick: Chicago in 6.

3. Los Angeles v San Jose – Southern California vs Northern California, Dodgers vs Giants On-Ice, Snoop Dogg vs MC Hammer, I could go on for days. These two teams played four very even games in the regular season. As mentioned in the round one preview, the Kings seem to be rounding into title defense form very nicely. The Sharks are coming off of the only round one sweep. The Sharks have a nice little story going. This is their least hyped team in years and they just completed the franchise’s first playoff sweep. LA is not going to be caught off guard like the Canucks were though.

The Pick: LA in 6.

2. Pittsburgh v Ottawa – On paper, Pittsburgh should be able to handle Ottawa in five games. That is what I thought about the Islanders too. Ottawa may not have the explosive offense that the Islanders had to keep pace with Pittsburgh, but they are a much more physical team than Brooklyn. And the crowd for every game in Ottawa should be going bonkers. And what happens if the wheels come off with the Thomas Vokoun experiment? Let’s not completely rule out Ottawa and their zany coach.

The Pick: Pittsburgh in 7.

1. Boston v New York – All bets are off in this series. You’ve got a Boston team vs a New York team. I know most of North America is sick of that story line, but it is always a story line. Both these teams just survived seven-game series against lesser opponents. Somehow this is the first playoff series between these two teams in forty years. The Bruins had a better season and are probably a better team on paper, but, well, nobody is sure this Bruins team wants to try until their backs are against the wall. And New York has a very deep team that has played better the second half of the year. These teams played three very evenly-matched games during the regular season, and you know both fan bases are going to bring it. Let’s just fast-forward to the inevitable OT of game seven and see how it plays out.

The Pick: Boston in 7.

The Boston Comeback That Made Almost All Of Us Look Like Fools (With a Big Assist From Twitter)

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

I’m sure guest-blogging extraordinaire Nkilla will be along later today with his Round 2 preview of the NHL playoffs, but it would be irresponsible of me not to post some disjointed, incoherent thoughts about what went down in Boston last night.

-I don’t care how spoiled Boston fans have been since the Patriots’ 2001 run. We were all thinking the exact same thing as last night’s 3rd period creeped closer and closer to the 10-minute mark: “Son of a bitch, we’ve been tricked again. This team is no different than last year’s gigantic disappointment. Only 115 days til football starts, thank the Lord.”

-God damn Twitter and Facebook. In the old days, I would have just told the person I was watching the game with that the Bruins were frauds, had no heart, should fire their coach before the final whistle…and then I could have denied it all after the comeback. Now my naysaying is all over the friggen web for eternity.

-Just imagine if Twitter was around during the 2004 ALCS. I can’t even fathom the type of hate I would have been spewing at the Red Sox after that 19-8 game 3 debacle against the Yankees in Fenway.

-Or even worse, imagine if they had liquor as tasty as Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey back in 2004. Dangerous.

-Here’s a sampling of some of my Tweets and Facebook posts that historians 100 years from now will be laughing at as they put together a complete history of my life:

  • “1 of 2 things happens in this game: Bruins lead by multiple goals the whole way, or I chug Jack Daniel’s Honey for the next 3 hrs” (No exaggeration whatsoever. I severely underestimated how much I’d need so during the first intermission I sprinted to the store to re-load on the Honey. Best move I made all night.)
  • “I would tell Lucic to take the sweater off and exit the building right now if I were Julien. Awful, Nice season B’s” (In my defense, this was written the moment after Toronto scored their third goal, a goal that only happened because Lucic, having beaten Phil Kessel to the puck in the corner of the Bruins defensive zone, decided he wanted to make contact with Kessel more than grabbing the puck and clearing it out. It was an inexcusable play in my mind. As for the “Nice season B’s” comment, remember that they were now down two goals with 18 minutes to go and had scored all of three goals in the previous 162 minutes dating back to the start of game 5. I don’t think it was so wrong to write them off here.)
  • “Choking away a 3-1 series lead when 2 of final 3 games were at home is greater than or equal to a baseball team losing 9.5 game lead in Sept” (Fine, this one was a major exaggeration. Of course losing a lead like that in baseball when all you have to do is win 8 out of your final 27 games is worse than losing three straight hockey games.)
  • “I’d bet on Titus Young Sr getting signed by Patriots over Bruins coming back in this game” (And I’d still make that bet if the situation came up again. Remember, three total goals in 162 minutes and they needed three in less than 15 minutes!)
  • “I refuse to stop tweeting about the Bruins demise…It might just be the thing keeping them alive” (Rule #1 of debilitating superstitions: If good things start to happen while you’re behaving a certain way, don’t you dare change that behavior. My negativity just might be the thing that saved Boston’s season. I accept thank you’s in the form of paid writing jobs or straight up donations to the “Keep Ross Unemployed Fund.”)
  • “The Bruins treat playoff series like I treated college papers” (Pretty self-explanatory. Slack off until it’s so close to the deadline that you have a stress-related ulcer and then do just enough to not get kicked out of school/the playoffs.)
  • “So, New York, we meet again” (I don’t know this Rangers team, but I don’t care. They’re from New York. That’s all that matters.)

-I want to talk to someone who left the Garden when the Bruins were down 4-1 or 4-2. Not to make fun of them (Lord knows I was thisclose to changing the channel to watch the other game 7 going on at the same time), but to hear them express their feelings as they were driving out of Boston and realizing what was happening. Must have felt like a kick squarely to the testicles.

-Logic says the Bruins don’t get out of the 2nd round. Not only did they get outplayed in 4.5 of 7 games against the Maple Leafs, but they continued to lose key guys throughout the process…Andrew Ference, Wade Redden, Dennis Seidenberg. Good thing they have a guy who annually ranks as the best defensive-minded forward in Patrice Bergeron because they might just have to ask him to line up on the blue line if things keep going this way.

-You can never feel confident when two of your defensemen are a 19-year-old rookie (Dougie Hamilton) and a guy with nine total games of NHL experience (Matt Bartkowski).

-But there’s apparently no place for logic when it comes to the Boston Bruins and playoff hockey in general (as evidenced by the fact that the number 2, 3 and 4 seeds in the West bowed out in Round 1, along with the number 2 and 3 seeds in the East).

-As far as I’m concerned, Peter Chiarelli and Claude Julien should grab a couple scrubs from Providence and sub them in for Brad Marchand and Tyler Seguin for the rest of this playoff run. They are invisible. Marchand has all of three total points (all assists), ranking him 99th out of all players in the playoffs. But hey, he looks like Gretzky compared to Seguin….one point, an assist. There’s literally no one Julien can put in for them that will hurt the team more than they’re already hurting it.

-Bruins went 1-2 against the Rangers this year, but the two losses were as close as can be…one in OT and the other in a shootout. So there’s hope, I guess.

-Not that I would ever root for a triple-heart attack game again, but this just might have been the thing that gets my girlfriend legitimately interested in the NHL Playoffs for the rest of her life. I’ve been trying to tell her for the past week how amazing game 7’s can be, mostly because I wanted her to be OK with me hogging the TV for every possible hockey game, but now she’s going to think every game 7 is as crazy as last night’s. If that’s what it took, then I guess I’m glad it happened (Maybe her interest will stay with only the Bruins…she didn’t seem too thrilled this morning when I told her round 2 starts up immediately with two games tonight).

-I haven’t heard every sound byte from last night yet, but the leader in the clubhouse is Tuukka Rask saying “You’re either a hero or an asshole.” The Bruins seem to have a handful of both.

-Going forward I’ll make a deal with the Bruins. You play 60 minutes a game as if you actually care about winning in the playoffs, and I’ll stay away from prematurely writing your obituary on Twitter.

Expanding the “3 Strikes & You’re Out” Law to Include People Who Can’t Help But Go To Jail 3 Times In A Week

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

This may seem drastic, but I’m calling for life in prison for a guy who hasn’t killed, raped or kidnapped anybody. He’s not a terrorist of any kind. He’s never even caused significant property damage as far as I can tell.

But former NFL player Titus Young deserves life in prison just like any other criminal who demonstrates that they have absolutely no self-control.

For those of you unfamiliar with the wonder that is Titus Young, he’s a 23-year-old former first round pick of the Detroit Lions who’s played two years in the league and has shown at times that he could at least be a serviceable wide receiver and make a modest career out of it.

Detroit Lions Training Camp

But if you just became aware of this person in the last 10 days, then all you know is that he’s been arrested three times in the past week. Three times in a week! I usually get arrested less than three times a year!

It gets even better. On May 5th, he was arrested twice in the same day! First, he was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving, and then 14 hours later he was arrested for trying to steal his car out of the impound lot, where it was being kept because, you know, the guy was in jail earlier that day for drunk driving. Seems like the guy’s got a combination of balls and stupidity not seen around these parts since Johnny Knoxville and his “Jackass” cohorts were in their heyday.

And the icing on this ridiculous cake is Young getting arrested on May 10th for attempted burglary, resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer.

I know the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” law in California is aimed at people who commit felonies, and more specifically, violent crimes, but I’m proposing expanding it to any crimes, especially if all three crimes happen in the same goddamn week.

Criminals should feel lucky that they even get second chances. I think it’s absurd that some of them get third chances. But fourth chances? No way. I don’t care if a six-year-old was caught committing three crimes in a week (let’s say stealing a candy bar, exposing himself to his little girlfriend and punching a kid in class). I think I’d want that kid locked up for life.

But we’re talking about an adult who presumably has a fully formed brain. Why would he ever get the benefit of the doubt from society that he can be free and not keep fucking up? The dude lives in SoCal. I don’t want this fucker on the loose. He’s as dangerous as a serial killer at this point.

Even though these are technically his only three crimes, I’d like to add two more reasons this jerk should be locked up for life:

  1. Disrespecting the game of football (aka The Greatest Sport on Earth) – In his two-year NFL career, he sucker-punched a teammate for no reason, lined up in the wrong place on the field repeatedly to sabotage his team, and added “Sr” to the back of his jersey as in “Young Sr.” Apparently just to be a wiseass and mock people who have “Jr” at the end of their name or something.
  2. Ruining What Could Have Been An Easy Life – Titus Young was never going to be a Pro Bowl wide receiver, but in the NFL, you can make a good living as long as you keep playing. It looks like Young made about $900K last year. Even if he never got a raise, he could have carved out a six-year career and made in the range of $5-6Million minimum. That’s not “buy three beach houses and never lift a finger again” money, but it’s a damn good start to your life, especially when we’re talking about a person in his early 20s. But instead he’ll probably never make another dime playing football. But I’m sure he’ll turn to legitimate means to get by…

The moral of this story is that sometimes the combination of criminal activity and mind-boggling stupidity should warrant a person being removed from our society for good.

I think Titus Young Sr. getting life in prison would serve as a great example for all the future criminals who are thinking about getting arrested three times in a week.

Part 2 of the “50 Things Men Should Be Able To Do By Age 50” Blog: I’m in the 80th Percentile

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

In case you missed yesterday’s Part One of the “50 Things Every Man Should Know How To Do By 50” blog, you can find it HERE.

Out of those first 25 things I’m supposed to be able to do by age 50, I honestly think I can do 21 of them. The four that I struggle with are: Making myself vulnerable, Changing a tire, Sewing a button, and Breaking up a fight.

Let’s see what the final 25 on the Huffington Posts’s incredibly disappointing list produces:

26. Change a diaper – Not yet, but something tells me I will soon. I owe my brother one full day of babysitting my 10-month-old nephew because of a football bet gone wrong. One of three things is going to happen: I’m going to suck it up and change the diaper, I’m going to avoid changing the diaper and tell my brother that the kid didn’t pee or shit the entire day, or I’m going to delay paying off this bet until the kid is potty-trained.

27. Babysit – I’ll have you know that when I was 12 years old, my mother forced me to take a babysitting class at Leominster Hospital where I was the only boy out of about 25 students. So it seems parents can make gigantic mistakes and still have their kids turn out OK.

28. Perform CPR – I don’t know how to do it properly. The other day my dog was so hot & tired after the park that she decided to play dead on the sidewalk near a busy street. I started giving her fake CPR just for the hell of it…just waving to horrified people driving by in their cars as I pounded on her chest. So I think in a pinch I could figure it out.

29. Avoid a hangover – Finally, in my 15th year of consuming alcohol, I’ve learned that if I just drink beer, and only beer, I won’t be hungover the next day. Strangely enough I know a guy in his 30s who suddenly became unable to get a hangover, no matter how hard he tries. He is the envy of everyone I know.

30. Have a long-term retirement plan – I don’t even have a short term “how I’m going to pay next month’s rent” plan.

31. Show affection towards a male friend – If you mean “show affection towards a football team with a male friend,” then yes, I can do this.

32. Be faithful to their partner – Yeah, because an unemployed 30-year-old with a gray afro has a lot of opportunities to be unfaithful.

33. Recommend restaurants – This one’s even more ridiculous than “be able to make a dinner reservation.” Do I have the ability to recommend a restaurant? This is when you start to think that the writer could only come up with like 46 legit items and had to put in some stretches to make it an even 50.

34. Have a platonic female friend – I wouldn’t go out of my way to make a platonic female friend because they don’t have much to offer me, but they exist in my world because they are my friend’s girlfriends or my girlfriend’s best friends…but the idea of being more than platonic friends is always circulating in my head.

35. Stand up for themselves in a respectful way – Sure I can, but for the right amount of money I’m willing to never stand up for anything I believe in again.

36. Make a signature meal that’s more complicated than Easy Mac – Julie says my grilled chicken is to die for. I’m more partial to my peanut butter & banana sandwiches. There’s an art to the width of the banana slices and the amount of banana on each sandwich.

37. Give themselves a clean, good shave – Once again it would be strange to meet a 50-year-old guy who didn’t have the slightest clue about how to shave. And yes, once a week I shave the peach fuzz off my face.

38. Keep their ear and nose hair in check – If I was single, I’d probably pay attention to my nose hairs more, and if I ever find hair growing out of my ears I’ll probably just stick a gun in my mouth and end the whole damn thing.

39. Wash the dishes – One of the many househusband chores I do each day. Being one of the top dishwashers in the world as a white person is probably as rare as a black NHL star, but I totally knock down the artificial color barriers in the kitchen.

40. Spot when a woman is interested or just being polite – I’ve only had one woman be interested in me in the last 10 years so I’m probably pretty rusty with this.

41. Give to a charitable cause – Of course. I give free laughter to people in need every day probably.

42. Invest wisely – I barely know how to invest stupidly, but at least I have 20 more years until I really need to master everything on this list, right?

43. Cry without embarrassment – I can do this. I’ve never thought crying was embarrassing, just unnecessary.

44. Drive a stick shift – Drive one, teach someone how to drive one, put an ugly metal skull on the top of the stick and pretend to be a badass. I’ve done it all.

45. Comfort someone – There there, Huffington Post. It’s not your fault that this list is terrible. Here, have a tissue.

46. Buy a great present – Being able to buy a great present depends entirely on the person you’re buying for. Some people are just so obvious in what they want and need, or their personality just lends itself to coming up with fun ideas for gifts. And some people basically get the same gift card from me year after year.

47. Choose scotch/whiskey – I choose Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey over any other liquor in the world. It didn’t say anything about choosing a good scotch or whiskey.

48. Erect a tent – Went camping a few weeks ago and actually had a guy tell me I was the best Tent Erector he had ever seen (once again, cue up the penis jokes, the gay camping jokes and anything else you can think of that involves erections, pitching a tent, etc).

49. Dance, at least a little – Julie and I rate each wedding we attend purely on the amount of dancing. We suck at dancing, but at a wedding it feels like our duty.

50. Impress their partner’s parents – I think I’ve made an impression on them. Is that what this means? Not only is their daughter shacking up with an unemployed guy with a pipe dream of a career, but Julie’s mom, who’s a nurse, gets a call from her about once every four months asking how we should handle a freak injury that I brought upon myself. So, yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re “impressed.”

It appears I’m currently unable to do five items on this half of the list: numbers 26, 28, 30, 40 and 42. That means I only have nine total things to work on over the next 20 years to be able to say yes to this list before my 50th birthday. I guess this means I’m 82% of a man?

I know, I know, this list was a bit disappointing. I guess what they say is true…If you want to follow a set list to live your life, you have to make the list yourself. Maybe we’ll do that as a separate blog post some time in the future.

“50 Things A Man Should Know How To Do By 50″…If I Can Do Them All By 30, Do I Get Bonus Points?

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

You may remember a blog I posted about a month ago making fun of my girlfriend’s delusional claim that she could hit 70% of her free throws from official foul line distance. I get the sense that Julie says she can do this because she thinks the average person should be able to hit most of their shots from the foul line. After all, she keeps reminding me, it’s not that far away from the basket.

But this constant smoke she’s blowing up my ass about her basketball abilities got me thinking about other things the average person should be able to do (hitting 70% from the foul line isn’t one of them). That led to some Google searches, which led to a bunch of websites with lists titled “50 things everyone should know how to do”.

After reviewing all my options, I decided a Huffington Post article from April titled “50 Things Every Man Should Know How To Do By 50” was the right list for me to fully investigate.  After all, I could realize I don’t know how to do any of these things and still feel good about having 20 more years to master them.

I’ve taken the time to seriously consider each item on this list and come up with a legitimate answer on whether I can currently do that thing or not. Men, you should read this blog carefully and think about where you’re at with these things in your life. Women, you should read this blog carefully because you’re half the population and therefore half my page views.

Let’s split this up into two and tackle items 1-25 today. Check back later in the week for items 26-50.

  1. Please a woman – BOOM! What a way to start. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this HuffPost article was written by a woman. Anyway, this first item is open to a lot of interpretation. But if I’m interpreting it right, then yes, yes I can please a woman.
  2. Clean up after themselves – Yes, plus I sometimes have to clean up after my dog and my co-habitant who I affectionately refer to as “Hurricane Julie” (seems a hurricane hits our apartment every time a wardrobe decision needs to be made).
  3. Make small talk – It really isn’t that difficult and unless you’re an absolute hermit you’ll probably have to make small talk every day for the rest of your life. I have friends who despise small talk, chit chat, exchanging pleasantries…you name it. But the alternative is to ride up 20 floors in an elevator with your boss and stand in silence. Awkward.
  4. Take care of their health and go to the doctor regularly – This is an oxymoron, right? If I’m taking care of my health then why would I have to go to the doctor so often?
  5. Say “I’m sorry” and mean it – I try to only say it when I mean it, but sometimes my girlfriend will say, “What are you apologizing for” and I’ll say, “Because I’m sorry you’re obviously upset about something.” Apparently the fact that I don’t know what that something is means I’m not being genuine.
  6. Do laundry – I’ve been doing my own laundry for about 12 years, but just the other day I said to Julie in all seriousness: “Wait, so if I were to separate my clothes and only wash my white stuff, could I put bleach in there and it would help my socks stay whiter?” She looked at me like I had asked her “Will I be less tired in the morning if I go to sleep at night?”
  7. Listen wholeheartedly – Sometimes I get lectured by my girlfriend for not making eye contact while she’s telling me a story. Because she’s a speech therapist with training in behaviorism, she’s constantly pushing crazy theories on me like “70% of listening is done through the eyes.” My response is that I’m trained in the art of efficiency so if I can listen to your entire story while watching TV or giving my dog a belly rub, why wouldn’t I multi-task?
  8. Be nurturing to their mate – Uh oh, the woman who wrote this list is starting to lose credibility. She better start coming up with actual things men should know how to do. The definition of nurturing is “to care for and encourage the growth or development of.” Yes, I care for my “mate.” Why did you have to say that in such a complicated way?
  9. Make themselves vulnerable – OK, third item in a row that makes it obvious a woman with an agenda created this list. Let’s go back to the definition strategy. Vulnerable means “exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” So why the fuck would someone want to make themselves vulnerable. Ugh. If “work yourself into an unnecessary rage” is an item on this list, I can certainly check it off.
  10. Dress themselves well – Three things working against me here: 1). I don’t have a job or a daily hobby that forces me to go out in public and interact with people. 2). I’m trying to save money for necessary items at this time. 3). You know how you’re never surprised when new parents walk around with ratty clothes covered in spit-up and green diarrhea? Well owning a dog isn’t entirely different…so much hair, drool and treat crumbs get on my clothes each day that I’ve given up and now I wear the same pair of cargo shorts and a shitty t-shirt 5 days a week.
  11. Change a tire – Haven’t done it on my own. Always seemed like one of those “easy to figure out the moment you’re thrust into that situation” kind of things.
  12. Unhook a bra – Hands, teeth or feet? Pretty sure I can do it in under 10 seconds in each scenario.
  13. Say “I love you” and mean it – While saying “I love you” and not meaning it gave me a lot of positive results in college, I now only say it when I mean it…which is probably why no one’s heard me say it since college.
  14. Properly put on a tie – Yes, thank you, Catholic School…unless we’re talking about a bow tie, in which case I have a story about 12 guys panicking before a wedding because the bride & groom decided we needed to tie our own bow ties. One person had done it before. He ended up doing it 12 more times that day.
  15. Sew a button – Would rather throw out the shirt or pants in question and buy a new one than learn how to sew.
  16. Iron clothing – Learned out of necessity when I got my first sales job in San Francisco and spent all my money on new fancy shirts. Couldn’t afford dry cleaning so I taught myself how to iron. My two older brothers, to this day, think that ironing the shirt while you’re wearing it is the proper technique.
  17. Shop for clothing – Easy. Walk into Old Navy and buy one of everything that doesn’t look douchey.
  18. Make restaurant reservations – Look up the restaurant on Yelp, click the “find a table” button, reserve table through the Opentable functionality. Easy peasy. Wait, can you imagine someone not knowing how to do this after 50 years on the planet? Is there a more self-explanatory thing than making a reservation?
  19. Approach a woman – I do this the only way I know how…dress in a dark hoodie with the hood up over my head, sunglasses on even if I’m indoors, keep a very serious straight face, and put one hand in my pocket as if I’m holding something, and then whisper to her “I think you better come with me right now.” Works 0% of the time.
  20. Make a bed – Wait, does this one mean construct an actual bed out of raw materials or is it talking about the useless act of covering the mattress with sheets and a comforter every morning? One of them I can’t do, and the other I’m unwilling to do.
  21. Ask for help – I’d rather die. No, joking. Yeah I ask for help all the time, probably too much. I have no shame in getting someone to do something for me that I could have done myself.
  22. Break up a fight – Oh, no no no…you see, I’m the ultimate instigator. I hate fighting myself, but I love seeing my friends stick up for me and fight the person I’m antagonizing. It’s seriously my patented move.
  23. Lose an argument – I know how to, but I don’t like to. I’m a “get the last word in” kind of guy. So even if I’ve lost the argument, I’ll go down throwing out every theory possible until you get sick of hearing me talk.
  24. Set the table – Some of these items should be on a list titled “50 Things Every Man Should Know How To Do The Moment He Emerges From The Womb”.
  25. Firmly shake hands – I never pay attention to how firmly or limply I’m shaking someone’s hand because in that moment I’m always trying to either remember his name or think of something funny to say. I bet I’m average on the limp-firm scale (insert penis joke here, ha ha).

I hope this list was both insightful and a waste of time for everybody who read it. I’ll be back tomorrow with the second half.

Follow My Lead This Weekend and You’re Sure To See Plenty of Sports and Be A Lot More Single By Monday

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

In case anyone needs help deciding whether this Saturday is a good day to do family stuff or chores around the house, let me show you what my day is going to look like:

9:30AM: New York Rangers/Washington Capitals Game 2 – Try to watch this game while I pretend to enjoy family breakfast with my girlfriend and dog.

2:30PM: Show up at my favorite sports bar because things are about to get crazy.

3:00PM: The 139th Kentucky Derby – I’ll be making a small bet on a random horse with longshot odds just to have something to root for during this event.

4:00PM: Toronto Maple Leafs/Boston Bruins Game 2 – Hockey is the greatest playoff sport there is. If you try to argue against this fact, you are an idiot and I don’t want to talk to you.

4:30PM: Anaheim Ducks/Detroit Red Wings Game 3

5:00PM: Chicago Bulls/Brooklyn Nets Game 7 – Basketball is the worst playoff sport there is, but even I can get semi-interested in a game 7.

5:00PM: Boston Red Sox/Texas Rangers – Best team in baseball is must-watch TV.

6:00PM: San Francisco Giants/Los Angeles Dodgers – Probably only relevant in my neck of the woods.

7:00PM: St. Louis Blues/LA Kings Game 3

7:30PM: Floyd Mayweather/Robert Guerrero fight – I don’t even like boxing but might as well cap the day off with one final event.

And don’t forget Cinco de Mayo is Sunday, but plenty of people are sure to be celebrating on Saturday.

Speaking of Sunday, don’t assume you can follow my lead on Saturday and save all your chores for Sunday because we might be dealing with four game 7’s in the NBA playoffs and 13 hours of playoff hockey on Sunday.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you when you’re stuck in the checkout line at Ikea desperately trying to get updates on all these games via Twitter.

New Plan to Get Some Monthly Income That I Totally Deserve: Dog Walking

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

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This is bound to piss some people off, but this thought randomly jumped into my head today when I was trying to ignore my dog while she whimpered by the door: Would it be wrong of me to start charging my girlfriend half the cost of a dog walker every day?

Hear me out on this…If you think about it, me being at home saves us from having to get a dog walker that would cost $25 a day. We’d be splitting that cost, $12.50 each. By going to work and leaving me to tend to the house, Julie is not only saving herself the cost of a movie ticket each day, but also never has to take time away from her work to deal with the dog. On the flip side, I have to interrupt my day for a 40-minute walk and I don’t make a dime doing it. Is this fair?

I feel like I should be compensated for this, and because I’m dealing with someone I know, I’ll give her a deal. $10 per day to continue walking our dog and keeping the apartment piss-free. This would give me an extra $200 a month in income, which would increase my monthly income by about 400%.

I know what you’re saying…she’s the working person in the relationship and I’m the househusband. The exchange is her bringing in the money and me doing the chores/house management. I’d be fine with that, except I gotta tell you guys, she doesn’t give me any of that friggen money. If anything, she holds it over me that she has income and I don’t.

And don’t even get me started about what I should be charging for doing the dishes each morning, getting the mail and having a hot meal on the table every time she gets home.

Am I stumbling on a deeper conversation about proper compensation for housewives? Have I finally made the transition to overworked, oppressed stay-at-home Dad? Is there a snowball’s chance in Hell that Julie agrees to pay me to continue taking care of our dog?

These are just some of the questions I ask myself while providing free dog-walking services every day.

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Kriss Kross, In Memoriam (Regardless of How Badly My Brothers Laugh At Me)

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

Over the years many people have assumed that me and my brothers fought a lot while growing up. Three boys in the family separated by only five years in age, I totally understand the thinking. But the truth is there weren’t many physical altercations between us because none of us were that aggressive (Neil’s probably shaking his head as he reads this, the same head that was on the receiving end of an Aaron tennis racket toss once upon a time).

Rather than beat up their little brother, my brothers simply used their slight intellectual advantage to wage psychological warfare against me whenever they got a chance.

The reason I bring this up is because the sad news of half of Kriss Kross dying yesterday brought back one such torturous memory from my childhood.

Based on Kris Kross’s mega-hit “Jump” being released in 1992, I’d have to guess I was nine years old when it happened. As we were about to leave our house for a party at my grandparents’, my a-hole brothers went to work convincing me to put my jeans on backwards because that was the new cool fashion trend that Kris Kross had started.

As you can imagine, a nine-year-old trying to fit in with his teenage brothers doesn’t need much prodding to do something incredibly stupid. Fast forward 20 minutes and I walk in the front door of my grandparents’ house and get laughed at by my Aunt immediately. I wish I could say I stood up for my wardrobe choice that day, but no, I sheepishly ran to the bathroom and turned my jeans around like every other boring kid.

I’ll always think that day marked the beginning and the end of me being a fashion early-adopter.

But as mean as my brothers were on that day, at least they only made fun of my backwards jeans for the next decade or so.

Now that I’m older and have no shame, I don’t mind doing something that might get laughed at. Especially if it’s to honor one of the great singer-songwriters of our time. So Chris Kelly, today’s outfit is for you:

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Should We Predict the NHL Playoffs’ 1st Round Winners or the Most Entertaining Series? How About Both?

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

[Editor’s Note: Two months ago I wrote about the Boston Bruins and how they were quietly becoming Boston’s most consistently competitive team. This is probably surprising to nobody who knows me and my sports jinxing history, but since I posted that article on February 25th, the Bruins have won 17 games and lost 16 games. Not really the dominant trajectory my article put them on. When it comes to sports not named football, you’ll notice my blog posts are typically limited to ball-washing my Boston teams. I don’t usually write anything about the going-ons outside of the New England area. But that doesn’t mean my readers don’t have a thirst for more balanced sports coverage. Therefore, I’ve invited back a guest blogger who regularly abandons his husbandly and fatherly duties to watch more sports than you or I could imagine. He’s here to break down the NHL playoffs in his no-nonsense, marginally humorous style. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the only blogger in internet history to write 10,000+ words about something called the “Euro Soccer Championship”….Mr. Neil “nkilla” Gariepy.]

Your favorite guest blogger is back! I know what most of you are thinking – if I am blogging, then there must be some sort of obscure sporting event coming up that I am going to try and get you to pay attention to. Well, if you consider the NHL “obscure” then you are correct…it is time for playoff hockey. For those of you that are not NHL regular season regulars, it is time for your annual “jump onto the NHL bandwagon”. No more shootouts, lots of sudden death overtime drama, and teams building up genuine hatred for each other as each series moves to the next game. [Editor’s Note: Someday Neil will learn to link to certain YouTube clips to support his claims, but for now I’ll give him an assist (pun intended!). If you want to see what Neil means by genuine hatred, just watch the first two minutes of THIS CLIP from the Penguins/Flyers playoff series last year. I promise it’s worth it.]

There are eight first round, best-of-seven series. I’ll go ahead and rank the eight first round series from least exciting to most exciting so if you have an actual life and can only follow two or three series you should probably use this blog post as your guide.

8. Chicago v Minnesota – This should be a quick series, a 1-seed vs 8-seed matchup where the 8-seed has very little chance for an upset. Chicago was the best team in the Western Conference, and Minnesota is probably the worst of the sixteen teams to make the playoffs this year. During the regular season Minnesota lost two out of every three games against teams that eventually made the playoffs. For you gamblers out there, Chicago -360 to win the series is not a horrible bet; I expected it to be more around -800. Chicago to sweep is +400. Also, my friend Todd is at -2000 to puke after reading the last paragraph and realizing I just jinxed his team.

The Pick: Chicago in 4


7. Pittsburgh v “Brooklyn” – Another 1-seed vs 8-seed matchup where the 8-seed probably has very little chance of winning. The difference between this series and the Chicago series is that the Islanders will have a nice little underdog story about them that everyone in America likes to root for. The Islanders last made the playoffs six seasons ago, and they have not won a playoff series since 1993. Their current team is built around 22-year-old-star-in-the-making John Tavares and a bunch of cast-offs from other teams. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh was arguably the best team in the league this year, winning four out of every five games against eventual playoff teams. It is almost impossible to root for Pittsburgh unless you are from Pittsburgh. Sidney Crosby is way too whiney for most of us and then there is Matt Cooke. For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Cooke’s work, go ahead and google “Matt Cooke Cheap Shot.” One of the video compilations is titled “Matt Cooke Cheapshotting History.” It is almost four minutes long. And it is from 2009. If you can find the 2013 version with four more years of footage, it is probably twelve minutes long. [Editor’s Note: Interesting that this time Neil even tells you how to google the right video in order to see Matt Cooke’s cheap shots, but still doesn’t link to the video. As much as I hate doing someone else’s work for him, here you go]:

The Pick: Pittsburgh in 5


6. St. Louis v Los Angeles – This is the 4-seed vs 5-seed matchup in the West. St. Louis is the better seed here, but LA had a slightly better record against eventual playoff teams in the regular season. Most people are predicting a close series with LA prevailing in six, or St. Louis winning in seven. So why would I rank this as the third worst series of the first round? Well, LA won The Cup last year, brought almost the same team back to defend the title, and started the season off with a little bit of a residual hangover from all the celebrating. In the last month or so they have been getting back to form, winning games and moving up the standings. Also, they went 3-0 against St. Louis this season. I think this is one of those series that goes five or six games but seems like it was a sweep. Gamblers, LA at -120 to win this series is not a horrible bet, no need to get tricky by picking the right number of games.

The Pick: Los Angeles in 6


5. Anaheim v Detroit – Bit of a compelling storyline here. Many view Detroit as “old-blood NHL” and Anaheim as “new-blood NHL.” Detroit had to struggle to make the playoffs for a 22nd consecutive year whereas Anaheim stayed just behind Chicago most of the year and locked up the 2-seed in the West.  This series may very well go all seven games, and we will probably be treated to a couple overtimes as well. The reason this series is not higher on the list is that there is almost no history between the two teams and not a lot of household names on either team. Gamblers, Detroit to win the series at +125 or “the series goes 7 games” at +165 are probably your two best moves, but neither are recommended.

The Pick: Anaheim in 7


4. Washington v New York – I know what most of you are saying – “This is the worst ranking blog ever. How could one of the league’s most marketable players, Alex Ovechkin, playing against the New York Rangers in the playoffs just be in the middle of the pack for entertainment value?” Well, the problem is one of these teams is not good, and the other is really, really bad. The Rangers are the 6-seed and are basically “Minnesota of the East.” They only won 37% of their games against eventual playoff teams, and only five of those wins came in regulation. They are the “not good” team mentioned above. Washington did not beat a team in regulation that eventually made the playoffs until April 9th. When everyone was saying Washington was the “hot team” about a month ago, it was because they were beating up on their horrible division. Ovechkin vs New York still carries some weight, but I have a feeling this is a short series.

The Pick: New York in 5


3. Boston v Toronto – Shocking confession, I’m a huge Bruins fan/homer, but the following paragraph is in no way a reverse jinx. This Bruins team is a little too much like last year’s team  for my liking. Looked like the best team ever assembled for the first half of the season, played .500 hockey for the second half of the season, got bounced in the first round of the playoffs by an inferior Washington team. Meanwhile, people in Toronto like hockey more than any fan base likes any sport in the world. And Toronto is in the playoffs for the first time in eight years. The worst seats for the home games in Toronto are going for $2000. According to Vegas, Boston is a 2:1 favorite to win this series. Most experts are predicting Boston in five or six. I just don’t see it. Toronto is going to be so jacked up for every home game with a completely bonkers crowd. Toronto was slightly better than Boston during the regular season against eventual playoff teams. Both teams are original league members, physical, and are going to bring it. I think first team to lose a home game loses the series. This should be a very entertaining, long series.

The Pick: Toronto in 6


2. Vancouver v San Jose – San Jose, the 6-seed in the West, actually had a slightly better record than 3-seed Vancouver against eventual playoff teams. The teams are pretty evenly matched although Vancouver was not able to beat San Jose in the regular season. Both of these teams have had lofty expectations over the past eight years and neither have been able to bring home The Cup, and now one of them is getting knocked out in the first round. Both fan bases are knowledgeable, so there will be a great atmosphere at each game. Vancouver always seems to bring some team drama with them into the playoffs…you never know when the goalie carousel might get going with them, or when Alex Burrows might bite someone, or when the Sedin Sisters might admit they are not only sisters but also lovers. This has all the makings of a long, intense series. For the gamblers, being able to get San Jose at “plus money” (currently +105) to win this series is very good value.

The Pick: San Jose in 6


1. Montreal v Ottawa – Any time two Canadian teams play a long series against each other the intensity gets ratcheted up eh. Montreal is the 2-seed in the East and Ottawa is the 7-seed, but these two teams had basically identical records against playoff-qualifying teams in the regular season eh. Also, they split four games during the regular season eh. So we have two Canadian teams eh, that are very evenly matched eh. A series that is probably going seven games eh, and again all the games will be taking place in eh Canada eh. This may not have the high profile players of some of the other series eh, but the intensity and location should make it the best series of the first round eh. Eh.

The Pick: Montreal in 7

For the record, Neil picked four upsets in the first round, two series to go seven games, only one sweep, and somehow managed to squeeze in “eh” 11 times in the final paragraph.

Black Hat, White Hat, Underappreciated Robots and Tracking a Manhunt From 3,000 Miles Away

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

At 10PM on Thursday night I was shutting my laptop to go to bed, but decided to refresh my Twitter feed one more time. That’s when I saw a bunch of tweets about a shooting at MIT and a possible car chase and shootout in Watertown. Even though no one was claiming a link between these incidents and the Marathon bombings at that moment, I just had a feeling that the shit was about to hit the fan.

I turned on CNN and they were interviewing someone involved in the West, Texas, fertilizer plant explosion (a horrible, horrible incident that’s clearly getting no attention right now because of Boston). My girlfriend asked me to change the channel because it was difficult to watch this guy being interviewed count up the number of friends he lost in the fire. I told her I had a feeling CNN was about to break into this coverage with the situation unfolding in Boston.

About 90 seconds later, CNN made me look like smart in front of my girlfriend. As you’ll read throughout my post, this wouldn’t be the last time in the next 12 hours that Twitter would be feeding us information far sooner than the slow-moving TV media.

The next time I looked at the clock it was 12:45AM and I was exhausted. I had gone from “ready for bed” to “I’m riding this out all night til they get these Fuckers.” There were so many conflicting reports flying around (One of the bombers is dead and the other is on the loose! No, they’re both alive, but one is in custody! But there’s a third guy who the cops made get fully naked before they threw him in the back of a cruiser! But he was an innocent bystander!).

I ultimately decided to go to bed, fully assuming that by the time I woke up at 7AM the suspects would be dead or caught.

I woke up at 5:50AM Pacific Time to see the situation wasn’t resolved. So I did what any other semi-employed, too-much-time-on-his-hands American would do…I setup shop in my living room assuming I’d be glued to the couch for the foreseeable future.

Step one was finding a couple knowledgeable people in the Boston area who would be providing constant updates on Twitter and to start following them.

Step two was to turn on CNN or MSNBC, hoping I’d get some updates but mostly for the unintentional comedy they always provide.

Let’s fast forward to 7:45AM Pacific Time and go through all the important moments via the running diary I kept:

7:45: The only positive that these two assholes have given us is the complexity of their first and last names. Rather than learn how to pronounce their names, CNN is going exclusively with “black hat” and white hat.” Works for me.

7:51: CNN just filled about 90 seconds by explaining all the different ways a person in this situation might commit suicide. The possibilities included shooting himself in the head, blowing himself up with explosives, slitting his own wrists and filling up a bath tub and drowning himself. Could you imagine this guy with all these guns and explosives taking the time to fill up a bath tub and then trying to hold himself under water until he’s dead? I’m not convinced, CNN. Maybe we should dive deeper into the suicide possibilities.

7:59: I’m already considering my food delivery options for the day. It just doesn’t seem like this is ending soon and I’m not leaving the couch til it does.

8:09: Getting bored by the lack of action and suddenly a friend sends me a link to a website where I can listen to a Boston police scanner live….O M G, I’m gonna be peeing into a bucket near my couch for the next few hours.

8:13: First legit thing I hear on scanner: “We’ve got a EOD robot that’s gonna try to take his jacket off”. These poor robots. They’re the real first responders. When this is all over, I wanna see a robot throwing out the first pitch at a Red Sox game in honor of all the good robots we lost in this battle.

8:23: I just sent menacing texts to Julie about how I now have access to a scanner and it must suck for her to be at work. She really didn’t want to leave the couch this morning. Can you blame her? She wastes all her time watching “Real Housewives” and “Say Yes To The Dress,” and finally a true reality show comes on and she can’t stick around to watch.

8:35: The scanner was just interrupted so the website I’m listening to it on can throw an Old Spice ad at me. Really?

8:37: You probably already guessed this, but yes, I took my computer into the bathroom for my morning bomb-dropping. I refuse to miss a second of this action.

8:40: I already have to charge my phone today even though I woke up with it fully charged. That’s how hard I’m working right now.

8:44: I’m kinda of owning Facebook and Twitter right now. Throwing out “Game of Thrones” jokes and jokes about the TV media’s turtle-like pace. My synapses are really firing on all cylinders.

8:48: A Ryan Lochte reality show promo interrupting the scanner website? COME ON!

8:50: Above all else, this week will go down as the official end of me ever going to CNN.com for breaking news. Thank you, Twitter.

8:54: I’ve always wondered about those weird people who own physical police scanners and just constantly have them on. Those weirdos with the scanner chirping away while they eat dinner and smoke their cigarettes. Now I understand. You basically get to be part of the team, hear all the locations they’re searching, what type of teams they’re bringing in (SWAT, EOD, detectives, etc), and you can even grab some Cops’ cell phone numbers if that’s the kind of thing you’re into.

8:56: On a semi-serious note, I do worry about what one or two people are able to do to an entire city and the rest of us that are glued to the TV and internet. They’ve brought a large Metropolis area to its knees and they’ve become the focus of an entire country. Two guys. That’s worrisome.

8:59: I should put on pants now while there’s a lull in the action. Never know if I’ll have a chance the rest of the day or not.

9:03: Huge, HUGE day for robots. Every third word on the scanner right now is “robot.” Whatever the robots’ salaries are, double it.

9:04: Would hate to be an attention-seeking criminal today. Just imagine a guy who had this elaborate bank robbery plan that he was supposed to pull off today. Poor guy won’t be getting any coverage. Anyone looking for their 15 minutes of fame, I’d recommend you choose a different week.

9:22: The twitter flow is slowing. I think all of the Boston people who I was following since last night finally decided to get some sleep. Bummer.

9:32: Press conference from Watertown coming up. I’m concerned that all they’re going to do is recap everything I already learned on Twitter over the last couple hours.

9:39: After one of the most pointless press conferences ever (continue staying in your homes, continue praying for our police officers), I decided if I do nothing more today, I’m going to get my exercise in. I’m off for a five-mile jog (it’s what the marathoners would have wanted me to do).

10:51: Just returned from my run to find out….ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAS CHANGED IN THE LAST 70 MINUTES!

10:55: The bombers’ Aunt is on TV now live from Toronto. To paraphrase: “They are smart guys. I brought them here in 2001. Yes, they liked their lives here. If they didn’t, they’d leave. I’m a lawyer with an abrasive edge.” Let’s stick with the semi-crazy Uncle as the family’s official spokesperson, please.

11:08: Not that the Red Sox game is a top priority right now, but I couldn’t help but think of them. Remember how in my blog a couple days ago I mentioned that baseball players are creatures of habit? How do you think their typical routines are playing out today? Don’t come to the ballpark, stay in your homes. The game’s probably cancelled. No, we haven’t cancelled the game yet. Be ready. But you can’t come to the park to workout, take batting practice or anything else. If they play tonight’s game, I have no expectations for how it’s going to go.

11:11: CNN correspondent informs us things are slowing down at the Watertown scene. Jesus, they’re even behind the rest of us when it comes to reporting that there’s nothing to report.

11:20: On MSNBC, they’re still referring to one of the brothers as “dark hat.” I guess seven hours isn’t enough time to master the pronunciation of someone’s name. Which leads me to ask, what would they be calling these two guys if neither had been wearing a hat on Marathon Monday? Large Nose and Regular Nose?

11:58: You know things have really slowed to a crawl when the media’s now trying to make a connection between the younger brother’s actions and the fact that he became a U.S. citizen on 9/11/2012.

11:59: Here’s hoping the Bruins don’t have any games that go to a shootout the rest of the year. I don’t think Boston needs to see any more headlines that read “Boston Involved In Another Shootout”.

12:00PM: Out of all the brilliant tweets and Facebook posts I put out there this morning, I cannot believe nobody commented on or “liked” my “Game of Thrones” reference. I thought that was one of the finest moments in my comedic history. Just nailed it. Guess I don’t have a good handle on what my followers find funny.

12:03: Glad to see CNN isn’t even attempting to spell this fucker’s name right at this point:

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If you’re gonna take letters out of his first name, just go back to “white hat”.

12:13: “Someone framed them. I don’t know who did it, but someone did.” An exact quote from the father. Umm…that theory probably went out the window the moment these guys started tossing explosives out of a car at the Boston Police during a chase.

12:22: If this area in Watertown that they’ve put a perimeter around ends up not producing Joe (that’s what I’m calling the living bomber at this point…CNN already started slowly Americanizing his name by taking out letters, so why can’t I just go with Joe?), things are going to get a lot crazier and scarier in all of New England.

12:25: Here’s why I would be a terrible member of the judicial system: My first thought on how they should punish this guy if they catch him alive was that he should be locked in a jail cell with his brother’s rotting body, and if he wants to eat and stay alive, here’s a knife, there’s your bro’s body, go to town, Fucker.

12:27: I’m going on hour seven of nonstop watching CNN, listening to police scanners, refreshing Twitter every two seconds, basically freaking out. And I look over to check on my dog to make sure she’s handling all this news OK, and here she is:

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Just doing her “play dead” sleeping on the couch, nipples and vag up, not a care in the world. I’m so jealous of her right now.

I’m posting this at 1:15PM Pacific Time and I’m still tracking every move out of Boston, but in case this goes on for another 36 hours, I wanted to post the first part of my day. There’s a very good chance I come back with Part Two later tonight.

I know I made a lot of jokes that make light of the situation, but that doesn’t mean I’m not taking the situation seriously or hoping they catch this guy ASAP. And I’m so thankful this isn’t happening in LA because the Grilled Cheese Competition I’m participating in tomorrow would probably be cancelled.

Fine, I’ll Be The First To Say It: The Boston Tragedy Couldn’t Have Worked Out Better For The Red Sox

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

Leave it to me to think about who makes out best from the Marathon Monday Bombing. But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t think beyond the immediate tragedy and the people who got injured. I can’t help thinking about who benefits most from all of this.

The way this thing broke for the Red Sox was perfect. They got to leave the city for a three-game road trip in Cleveland before they return to Boston for a 10-game homestand. What if they had been in the middle of a long homestand when this happened? There’s no way they would have played at Fenway during the week following the explosions. Not only would the city of Boston be missing the welcome distraction of watching baseball, but the players’ routines would have gotten majorly screwed up. And we all know how much baseball players are creatures of habit.

Instead they get three road games in mid-April that suddenly have a ton of meaning for them and their fans. Then when Boston’s had a few days to absorb what happened and begins to move on, the Sox ride in and save the day. How crazy is Fenway going to be on Friday night? What if I told you their dramatic return to Boston might coincide with David Ortiz’s dramatic return to the Sox lineup? I’d be spending $30 for a ticket to that game if I was in Boston.

With Kansas City, Oakland and Houston visiting during the homestand, couldn’t this team realistically emerge from their next 12 games with a record of 18-7 and a little extra motivation for the rest of the season? Knowing the Red Sox organization, I’d be stunned if they weren’t marching people out for ceremonial first pitches who somehow represent the marathon, the victims or the heroics that were on display Monday. The players are going to get daily reminders of what they’re playing for.

And if we want to go even further on how this might benefit the Red Sox, there’s this:

I was 12 days into my freshman year of college when the hijacked planes took down the towers in New York. I know firsthand what it’s like to live through a national tragedy with a group of strangers you’re forced to be around every hour of every day. The friendships I made during those dark days of September 2001 are some of the strongest and weirdest friendships I still have to this day. That group of people I bonded with back then is the only group I know who gets together for a yearly reunion. And it doesn’t even matter that all of our significant others have protested the sketchiness of a mixed-gender, supposedly-platonic group of 30 year olds meeting up for a weekend getaway every year. We do it anyway.

The point I’m trying to make here is that all the players and coaches on the Red Sox just had to spend the last 48 hours processing the Marathon explosions together, stuck on a bus, a plane, in a hotel or in the locker room…together. Helping each other get through it. Talking about why someone might have done this. Brainstorming on what they can do to help the community. As of Monday morning, I’m willing to bet some of the players were still getting to know each other. After all there are a bunch of new guys on the team this year. But as of today, I’m willing to bet there’s no locker room in baseball that feels like a family quite as much as the Red Sox do.

If the Sox needed something to rally around and carry them through the intolerably boring summer days, they just got it.

Here’s hoping they save a couple of the feel-good ceremonial first pitch candidates for the World Series in October.

If This Blog Distracts Even One Person From The Horrible Boston Marathon Explosions, Then I’ve Done My Job

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

Here are three universally understood events: a marathon, a baseball game, a holiday. But non-New Englanders could probably use some educating on the annual phenomenon known as Marathon Monday.

I wrote those two sentences on Sunday night when I was preparing a Boston Marathon blog. Sadly that last sentence could now read “But non-New Englanders just got educated on the annual phenomenon known as Marathon Monday…”

Imagine an entire city throwing a gigantic block party that doubles as your own secret little holiday that no one else in the world gets to enjoy. The weather’s almost always great, bars open by 7am, the Red Sox game starts at 11am, and we all show our blind love of camaraderie and sporting events by rooting for thousands of strangers to run faster. Call it a cosmic peace offering for Bostonians having to deal with the yearly misery known as Winter. It’s a day that promotes so much optimism: “The weather’s turning…finally Spring is here!” “The Red Sox are 8-4…this is their year!” “If these 23,000 people can run a marathon, why can’t I?…screw it, I’m getting in shape and running it next year!”

As with most people who grew up in Massachusetts, I have plenty of Marathon Monday memories. Here’s the simplest way I can describe my personal Boston Marathon history:

  • Childhood: Went to a family friend’s BBQ ever year in the suburbs to watch the runners go by. Back then us kids probably just viewed it as another day to run around and play outside with our friends, with the bonus of getting to hand cups of water to these seemingly-important athletes (something that the public’s not allowed to do anymore, probably partially because of me and my brilliant idea as a kid to put pebbles in the cups of water for the runners).
  • Advanced Childhood (aka College Years): Typically cracked my first beer at about 7:30am at my apartment, walked down to Kenmore Square while discreetly drinking beer out of a 7/11 Big Gulp cup, went to a house party (the years before I turned 21) or a bar (once I was of legal age), and then stood on the sidewalk screaming for people I’ve never met before to keep running.
  • Adulthood Part 1: Spent my second Marathon Monday in California trying to replicate the festivities as best as possible. Got to my brother’s apartment at 7am, cracked a beer immediately, started watching the Red Sox game at 8am, and then went out on his front porch and cheered for runners going by his apartment…extremely confused runners who were out for a San Francisco morning jog. It wasn’t as good as the really thing, but probably the best Marathon Monday celebration in all of California.
  • Adulthood Part 2: Ran the marathon in 2011, finished in 4 hours and 46 minutes, had an incredibly supportive group of family members and friends cheering me on from those same sidewalks I frequented during my college years.

Each of those versions of me deserved a carefree, relaxing and happy day. The eight-year-old Ross should be allowed to fill cups with rocks until his heart’s content; the 20-year-old Ross should have only one concern on his mind: not getting arrested; and the 28-year-old Ross should be smiling as he approaches the home stretch of a huge accomplishment, regardless of the size of the blisters on his feet.

I feel terribly for all the people who were trying to do these same mostly-innocent things in Boston today and now have a horror show to remember instead of the good times that Patriots Day promises. The little kid who was just getting the hang of yelling out the correct cheers for the runners only to be pulled away from the course by parents who feared more explosions were coming. The college student who went from the euphoric haze of partying hard on a Monday afternoon to the sobering reality of a day gone terribly wrong just a couple miles away. The first-time marathoner who didn’t get to run down Boylston Street, the proverbial exclamation point to the world’s most famous marathon. (Needless to say I feel the worst for the people who were either directly injured or had loved ones injured in the explosions.)

Everywhere you look around the web or on TV, there are people better than me at putting this stuff into words. So I’ll let them do their jobs. I’ll just leave you with a couple pictures. If these pictures distract even one person from the events of today and put a smile on his or her face, then I’ve done my job:

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After all, if a dog wearing human clothes and a baby wearing sunglasses can’t cheer you up, what can?

Stay Strong, Boston.

Need An Assist From My Male Readers: Awful Couples Activities To Watch Out For

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

Gentlemen,

I’m looking for some pretty simple feedback in the comments section below this blog post. Historically most of you have been comment-averse, but I need you now more than ever before.

Julie and I continue to have almost no friends in Los Angeles, and I feel like she’s getting to a point where she’ll try anything to meet people. Just the other day she actually started a conversation with someone in our apartment elevator. This is bad news.

For the past nine months we’ve been doing normal couple stuff with our free time: trying new restaurants and bars, hiking or renting bikes on the weekends, taking nice long trips to Trader Joe’s every Sunday, bringing our Andre the Giant-like dog to the dog park. And still no prospective new friends on the horizon.

While I’m perfectly happy with the lack of developments in the friend department—after all who needs friends when you have a perfectly good television and internet connection—Julie is probably less than happy. And now my concern is that she’s going to irresponsibly sign us up for some corny couples activity that makes me rethink our entire relationship.

Many months ago she expressed an interest in a couples cooking class. I laughed at her refreshing sense of humor only to realize she was serious. At the time I think I made it crystal clear that I would never show up to a cooking class.  I barely enjoy cooking at all. I certainly wouldn’t enjoy cooking with a group of strangers. Who gets pleasure from paying money to be in a room with six other desperate friend-seeking couples while being told what to cook for your dinner?

Just to make sure I understood exactly what a cooking class entailed, I did my homework on google. While perusing a website that claimed to offer these classes, I noticed this little blurb:

  • “With recipes and photos emailed to attendees after the event, you can reminisce and recreate your favorite dishes together at home. You never know, you might even witness a marriage proposal!”

Here’s the deal: In our one bedroom, one-TV household, we view dinner preparation time as welcomed time apart. When Julie is in the kitchen cooking, it’s my precious time to watch what I want on TV (sports). When I’m handling dinner, that’s Julie’s precious time to watch what she wants (junky BRAVO shows). This class will not inspire us to cook together at home. I promise you.

And this probably goes without saying, but…a marriage proposal in cooking class? Look, buddy, I’m just trying to be a good boyfriend by humoring my girlfriend with this class. No need to make the rest of us look bad by proposing in front of everyone. Save that for a different moment, specifically one that won’t have my girlfriend giving me a look that says, “I had to drag you here and put up with your sulking the entire time and this Prince Charming didn’t just come with his girlfriend, they actually enjoy this stuff so much that he decided to propose to her right here”. Not cool.

I had this little rant about cooking class saved as a draft on my blogging site for the better part of six months because I wanted to wait until I had more material. And just like the gift that keeps on giving, Julie brought up a similarly unexciting couples activity a few nights ago: Art & Wine Classes (aka “Sip-n-Stroke” according to one website).

Now here’s the part where she almost accidentally tricked me (and the reason I need all the men reading this article to comment on other undesirable couples activities). She called it a “art & wine thing” and my first instinct was that it’s probably just a museum event where you can drink wine while pretending to appreciate the art. I can do that. I can pretend to give a crap about art in the interest of drinking alcohol and making my girlfriend happy.

It turns out the type of activity she was referring to is one where we’d pay $30 for the privilege of drinking wine and painting with a group of strangers. A local art instructor would show us how to replicate an existing masterpiece as we laugh and sip the night away. I can’t do that.

This actually sounds much worse than a cooking class. The best way to describe my artistic talent in one sentence is this: I am most likely the worst stick figure drawer you’ll ever meet.

So, no, I don’t have any deep hidden desire to try painting/drawing/sculpting in my free time.

I’m racking my brain for other similar activities that Julie has brought up in the past, but I don’t think there are any. But just in case she’s reading this, here are some other hobbies or activities that I have absolutely no interest in:

  • Dancing lessons. Doesn’t matter which kind, I will not show up.
  • Ice Skating on a tiny sheet of ice with 300 other people. This is the worst. I grew up skating and playing hockey, but the activity I’m describing is an insult to the actual hobby of skating. I’m talking about that makeshift rink that every downtown sets up during the winter holidays. Where they cram as many people as possible onto the ice so you can’t even play a good game of tag with your friends. Awful, awful way to spend your time.
  • Gardening. We bought a bunch of plants when we first moved to LA, and they immediately died. Some things just weren’t meant to be. I just think we’re going to be the type of people who buy our food at a store for the rest of our lives. And that’s fine by me.
  • Book Club. It’s a slippery slope. We’re talking about the characters’ feelings and desires in a book we just read, and boom, all of the sudden we’re talking about our own feelings and desires. Yuck.
  • Ballet. I already mentioned not wanting to ever take a dancing class. Let me be super clear that I also never need to pay to see other people dance.

In the “giving credit where credit is due” department, Julie has either suggested or gotten on board with these ideas that I think would bring us much more happiness than the list above:

  • Buying bikes and going on weekly bike rides
  • Brewing our own beer
  • Surfing
  • Making our own jerky
  • Playing poker at the local casinos

So you see, gentlemen, there are several couples activities that we can enjoy together. But my worry is that I haven’t yet thought of all the possibilities that I need to say no to. That’s where you come in. If your girlfriend/wife/friend with benefits has ever suggested a couples activity that was as awful-sounding as the ones I listed above, please leave a note so that I don’t have to suffer the same fate you did.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Desperately Wants To Make His Girlfriend Happy, But Only If It’s On My Terms

Major League Baseball Knocked Down My Door and Stole $130 (aka Part 2 of My Red Sox Audition)

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

Fine, Major League Baseball, take my stupid 130 bucks. You win. I can’t go around telling the world how I’ll buy the baseball package if the Red Sox get off to a hot start and then not buy the package after they open the season 4-2 on the road. I want to hold onto my money so badly that before I purchased the mlb.tv package this morning, I scoured all the Boston newspapers hoping to find a hint of drama inside the Red Sox clubhouse. A tiny divide between the players. Discord between the team and ownership. Something…

Nothing. Not one ounce of bad energy in there. Everyone just yucking it up over Will Middlebrooks’ three home run outburst on Sunday. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think these guys actually enjoy playing with each other.

On the bright side, they took two of three in New York before winning two more in Toronto. Most experts didn’t have them winning their fourth game until the All-Star break. Among their four wins, they beat Cy Young Winners C.C. Sabathia and R.A. Dickey (but they couldn’t beat J.A. Happ…more importantly, has any team ever faced three guys with initials as first names in the opening week of a season?). Middlebrooks and Mike Napoli seem ready to fulfill their roles as the power threats for the Sox lineup. Jacoby Ellsbury, Shane Victorino and Dustin Pedroia seem like they’re in midseason form at the top of the order. This team hasn’t made an error in six games and the pitching looks strong…only three years late the “run prevention” team may have finally arrived. And no word of a setback for David Ortiz. All positive stuff. And I almost forgot to mention that this 4-2 start is largely the work of homegrown talent. Nine guys who have been regulars in the first week of the season came up through the Sox’ minor league system. If only Daniel Bard were still alive, he could make it an even 10.

On the not-so-bright side, the Lackey injury sucks. Not that I had high hopes for the guy this year, but you gotta feel bad for him after missing last season and committing to a reverse-steroids regimen in the winter to get his weight down to 89lbs. He was primed for a 12-win, 4.65 ERA in 2013. Hopefully the injury isn’t serious. We may also be saying goodbye to Jackie Bradley Jr. and Jose Iglesias sometime soon. Not because they haven’t been good enough to stay on the major league roster, but because better players are getting healthy. It’s a good problem if the Boston fans are freaking out over these pending demotions. I know John Farrell’s commitment to being aggressive and the Red Sox’ speed should be under the “bright side” paragraph, but what about the fact that this team may set a major league single-season record for most times a runner is gunned down at home plate by the opposition. I think Victorino alone may get thrown out 25 times at the plate this year. It’s definitely a negative for the team, but it’s going to make every inning with base runners exciting.

If the Sox drop 12 of their next 13, I don’t want to hear it from my readers that I jinxed them with my optimism. More likely it would be because this first week of the season was all smoke and mirrors and they really are as bad as we feared. Somebody already bet me that I’ll be regretting my purchase of the baseball package by May 15th.

So here’s to the 2013 Red Sox playing great baseball through May 16th.