Have you ever seen someone so ready to rock their UCLA Extension writing class? Me neither. So what if the class was from 7-10pm…nothing was going to stop me from bringing my brown bagged lunch on day one (If you’re curious, the bag contained m&m’s, grapes and a lollipop. If only I would have stopped at Starbuck’s on my way to class to grab a hot chocolate, then my classmates would have really known they were dealing with a mature adult).
Since it was my first time in a classroom in more than seven years, I decided to actually pay attention and observe my surroundings. Here’s what I learned in week one:
-It was a strange sensation to sit in a three-hour class and not have my mind wandering to every topic besides what was being taught. Out of 32 undergrad classes at BU, I can’t recall more than four or five where I was actually paying attention to the content being discussed. That gives me hope that I’m finally enrolled in the right class.
-When I was last in school, Smartphones didn’t exist. Waiting for class to begin back in the old days of 2005, your only option for entertainment was to actually talk to people. Scary stuff. I feel bad for teachers mostly because it’s gotta be nearly impossible to hold 20 students’ attention for even an hour when every one of them has their iphone right next to their notebooks. Or it could be even worse, like the girl next to me who was using her laptop to “take notes,” but really was just doing silent video conferencing with her husband the whole time.
-But I did discover one huge benefit to having an iphone in this setting. Halfway through class, the teacher asked us to go around the room and introduce ourselves, including where we were from, what writing experience we have, what our favorite TV shows are, and why we decided to take the class. Of course you all know that in a group of 20, there’s going to be a couple people who decide to hijack the conversation, stretching their time to speak from two minutes to 10 minutes, deciding instead of answering the teacher’s questions to focus on their whole life story (if you don’t think you’ve been in a group of people where someone is doing this—whether it be school or work—then I’m happy to tell you that you are that person, and you should shut the fuck up sometimes). Anyway, to show these people that I was just about done with their story, I combined a shameless “whip out my iphone and pretend to be playing games” move with a loud throat clear, ensuring even the dumbest person understood the social cue.
-After hearing all these boring stories from my classmates, I was a little shocked to learn I was the only one who purposely quit his job, became unemployed and expected to make it as a writer before money runs out. Most people in the class think they’re going to have to work hard for years just to get noticed in the entertainment industry. Boy, are they clueless…
-The three-hour night class felt a little strange in that I was sober and it was a real class. The only night class I ever had at BU was called “Sports Management” where the most difficult task over an entire semester was creating a practice schedule for the fictitious sports team I was pretending to manage. And we usually went to the BU Pub and pounded beers before class. Now I show up sober with grapes and a canteen of water. So sad.
-The teacher totally validated himself in week one by showing us a New Girl episode at the end of class and then promptly tearing it to pieces. That’s how you get on my good side, which I’m sure was his goal all along.
-I hate to predict failure for any of my classmates, but I wonder if the woman who doesn’t own a TV, hasn’t watched a TV show in over 10 years, and claims not to have any time to practice writing is going to do well in a Television Writing course?
-If karma has a sense of humor, my teacher will pair me up with that woman for some kind of important project.
-Oh, and just for a comparison so everyone knows I haven’t changed a bit since the last picture of me going to school was taken, here you go:
It’s officially the first weekend of Summer, and you might be so inclined to go see a movie this weekend. This may be especially true if you live in a place where the temperature might hit 95 and you’ve got no AC at your house. The movie theater is a great place to get out of the heat and stuff yourself to capacity with 3lbs of popcorn & 76 ounces of soda. But which movie will you see?
If you’re like me, a lot of movie trailers and commercials have looked extremely appealing lately so it might be tough to choose. Luckily I have lots of time on my hand so I’ve checked out five different movies in the theater over the past two weeks. If you only have time to see one movie and don’t want to be disappointed, keep reading for my ranking and feedback of these five big budget films.
Here they are in order of worst to least-worst:
5). Snow White & the Huntsman – PG-13
Don’t laugh. It’s supposed to be a darker take on the classic fairy tale, and that’s what appealed to me. I was promised lots of killing, crazy army battles and the evilest queen ever created. I wanted Charlize Theron’s queen to be truly devious, to constantly be chasing Kristen Stewart’s Snow White in clever ways throughout the film. I wanted SW and her allies to go through hell and be faced with certain death over and over again. Unfortunately I got only about 10 minutes of this in the beginning of the movie and 10 minutes at the end, with about 100 minutes in between of I don’t know what… The middle was Snow White wandering through the “Dark Forest” mostly unharmed, hooking up with groups of people who never told us their motivation for wanting revenge on the Queen. The movie didn’t even clearly lay out who some of the major characters were and how they fit into the story. It seems like the makers of this movie were so fixated on the “dark” imagery—Snow White’s hair, the Queen’s wardrobe, the Dark Forest—that they forgot about creating excitement throughout the entire movie and developing the characters enough that they naturally fit in with the overall plot. The only redeeming part of this movie was the Dwarves, and they don’t even come into play until two-thirds of the way through.
Final Verdict: Not even worth putting on the Netflix queue.
4). Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (3-D) – R
This one totally tricked me because I had heard so many positive reviews about the book this movie is based on. And the guy who wrote the book was in charge of writing the script so I went in with high hopes. Big mistake. Recently I was reading a book on Screenwriting and the author said that movie audiences are willing to accept “one piece of magic per movie.” His example is that audiences will accept aliens landing on earth in a movie, but they will not accept aliens landing on earth who then get bit by vampires. You can have one piece of fantasy in a movie, but no more than one. Well Vampire Hunter had at least three. I could believe that Vampires inhabited the southern states of the Union during the time of the Civil War, but I couldn’t also believe that Lincoln’s ax had magical powers AND that he turned into a superhero. And then, by the end of the movie, his friends basically had superpowers too. This was just too much, and it turned the movie into a cartoon. There’s a scene in the movie where Lincoln and one of his vampire enemies are caught in a horse stampede and they literally start throwing full grown horses at each other! I’m not making this up. The movie becomes one big joke, and obviously they weren’t trying to make a comedy. They were trying to make a very serious movie. The only reason it’s not #5 on my list is because Snow White was just so boring.
Final Verdict: You’re going to try to talk yourself into this movie, either at the theater or on DVD. Don’t do it.
3). Men in Black 3 (3-D) – PG-13
In my defense, I got back to LA from San Francisco this past Monday around 2pm, and walked into a “fire alarm testing” situation at my apartment complex. Knowing the ear-splitting sound was going to continue for three more hours, I decided a movie was the best option. Because I had already seen three of the other four movies on this list, I had little choice at the local theater. I never saw MIB 2, but figured that wouldn’t be a problem. OK, so Men in Black isn’t much of a “thinker’s movie.” It’s not going to win any awards. But unlike #5 and #4 on this list, at least it was fun to watch. It had all the characteristics of your typical cheesy summer action film—including Will Smith overacting and Tommy Lee Jones/Josh Brolin (playing a younger version of Tommy Lee when Will Smith travels back to 1969) calling someone “Slick” or “Ace” a few too many times. But it’s a movie you’ll feel familiar and comfortable with, and it’ll fly by at 106 minutes. The 3-D didn’t really add much for me on this particular film. But again, it did it’s job of entertaining me while the alarms were blaring at my apartment.
Final Verdict: Worth the Netflix queue add, but don’t prioritize it.
2). Prometheus (3-D) – R
The lazy in me wants to simply say, “I feel the exact same way about Prometheus as I did about Avatar,” and make you try to figure out what that means. But fine, let me explain. This movie, to me, is absolutely worth seeing in 3-D on a movie theater screen. It is visually pleasing, as I suspect all well-done space travel movies made in 3-D will be from now on. It’s the perfect type of movie for 3-D. Having said that, I didn’t love the plot, and I didn’t care much about the movie trying to answer important questions like, “Who created humans?” and “What happens to us after we die?” If sci-fi is your genre of choice, and you like movies that reach for answers to those types of questions, you’re going to love this film. I was never able to invest in the characters or plot of Avatar, but I enjoyed the film at least when seeing it in 3-D on the big screen, and that’s exactly how Prometheus played out for me.
Final Verdict: See it in the theater, in 3-D. It’s one of those movies worth shelling out the crazy 3-D ticket prices.
1). The Avengers (3-D) – PG-13
I’m holding out high hopes for the new Batman in July, but Avengers may very well end up being the best movie of the Summer. And that’s coming from someone who’s not a comic book person and typically doesn’t love superhero movies. This movie had so much more than just great action scenes. The plot wasn’t overly cheesy, and it was simple enough to not get in the way. The characters, for the most part, were well-developed and had depth. If I wanted to nitpick, I’d mention that the Scarlett Johansson and Jeremy Renner characters were pretty much unnecessary to the movie. They were the only two characters that didn’t have any layers beyond their special powers and being involved in the action scenes. The rest of the characters—especially Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man and Mark Ruffalo’s Hulk—were incredible, both as superheroes doing superhero things, and as regular people. One of the most entertaining decisions the creators of The Avengers made was having a lot of conflict and fighting between the superheroes. The movie isn’t just about six superheroes trying to stop a villain. It’s about six superheroes trying to stop a villain while figuring out if they can trust each other and be team players. And yes, the action in 3-D is incredible.
Final Verdict: See it in 3-D at the theater for sure, but if you can’t, get it to the top of your Netflix queue as soon as it’s released on Blu-Ray.
The Justin Bieber: All Around the World special was on TV the last couple nights, and I had to watch because I already talked about how there’s no good TV on during the summer, and because I know nothing about the Biebs and wanted to see what all the fuss is about. Before watching the special, I had never even heard one of his songs, and I definitely didn’t know he was Canadian.
Here are my quick thoughts on what I saw:
-What’s more awkward…me watching two hours of a Justin Bieber special or these three dudes at the Bieber concert being shown on TV right as Bieber is asking the crowd, “Do you want to be my boyfriend?”
Looks like at least one of these dudes wants to be The Biebs’ boyfriend
-He played a concert in Mexico City that had 250,000 people at it. That seems like a lot. I really don’t know enough about music history to put his fame/popularity in perspective. I’d love it if an older person who knows about this stuff could put Bieber’s career in context compared to people like Elvis, The Beatles, NKOTB and Justin Timberlake. Does he only seem like the most popular musician ever because of Twitter and the internet? Or is he legit the most popular person ever?
-The TV special follows him around to European cities like Rome and Paris. One thing I’m not envious about with him is that he’ll never get to go sightseeing in one of these cities like a normal person. He’ll never be able to just decide spontaneously to go see the Coliseum, because 20,000 teenage girls would start scaling the Coliseum walls.
-But if there is one thing I’m jealous of with him (and there should be like 3 million things), it’s that he can approach a balcony or window anytime, anywhere, and a crowd of 10,000 people erupts in the streets. I’d love for that to happen to me every time I go to my balcony at my apartment.
-Before every performance Bieber & his team stand in a circle, put their hands in the middle and chant “ducks ducks ducks, quack quack quack.” It’s like he’s using amazing Mighty Ducks references just to force me to like him.
-Final thought: Which of these girls is going to most regret the way they reacted to an 18-year-old singer 10 years from now? I know how this works (I was around many teenage girls when Timeberlake was at the peak of his powers, and I bet every one of them now regrets the freaking out they did whenever his name was mentioned). These girls get a glimpse of Bieber and they either cry or faint…I really feel like they’re gonna regret this, especially the ones that were recorded on this TV special. Their overreactions to Justin Bieber will be on Youtube forever:
These girls broke into a spontaneous “I love him, I love him, I love him” after seeing BiebsThis is your traditional “let’s hug so neither one of us falls down from over stimulation”
She’s really putting her heart out there for Justin
But this girl will not let another “hand heart” overshadow her’s
And finally, the total loss of control. Emotions bursting out of her, full meltdown mode
I know many of my readers aren’t in the LA area so they probably didn’t get to see the local news after the Kings won the Stanley Cup last night. Well even though it’s been more than seven years since I’ve gone out to riot after a sports championship, I couldn’t help myself and decided to head down to the Staples Center last night. Here’s a picture of me just killing it in the background of this newscast. Obviously I’m the guy with the Red Sox hat on.
What?
So I decided to try out black face for the first time in my life too. Got a problem with that?
Do you hate the summer TV schedule as much as I do? Are you confused by why the best TV shows all take their hiatus from June – September? I actually tried to research why all the TV stations give their best shows the summer off, but I couldn’t find any legit info. My best guess is that back in the times before DVRs, TiVo and On Demand, these networks realized that summer is when families take vacations and spend a lot of time outside…meaning that’s when people are least likely to be sitting in front of their TVs every night. But now with so many different options to tape your favorite shows, doesn’t it make sense that the schedule would adjust and there would actually be decent shows on during the summer months? Apparently not.
I took the trouble of monitoring Entertainment Weekly’s “What to Watch” section for three weeks in May to see what new summer shows they were promoting. Sadly, here they are:
United Stats of America – Twin comics make statistics about the USA interesting (doubt it) – History Channel, Tuesdays
The Devils Ride – Inside look at the conflicts and drama of a motorcycle club in San Diego (there was already a show like this that I didn’t bother to watch, wasn’t there? Sons of Anarchy?) – Discovery Channel, Tuesdays
Around the World in 80 Plates – Competing chefs travel the world and learn about international cuisines, then try to cook the local flavors (sounds like every other cooking show) -Bravo, Wednesdays
Common Law – Cop partners have a problem—with each other. So their captain sends them to couples’ therapy (what an incredible twist on the typical cop show! Two men that have to go to couples’ therapy! Groundbreaking stuff!). – USA, Fridays
Mom Caves– An attempt to show the world that moms need their private spaces for relaxation just like men need their man caves (every woman I know relaxes by watching trashy TV and reading gossip magazines. So this show is about a room with one TV and a bunch of magazines? Boom, show over) – HGTV, Saturdays
Pregnant in Heels – A “pregnancy guru” helps expecting moms through the joys and perils of having a baby (I’m not sure I even have a comment here. This woman apparently helps pregnant women deal with major dilemmas…like how to go on a date when you’re eight months pregnant. Sounds awesome) – Bravo, Tuesdays
Duets – A play on those other singing competition shows…only this time the judges actually sing with the contestants (I don’t listen to Kelly Clarkson or John Legend sing regularly, and I don’t even know who Jennifer Nettles or Robin Thicke are. So it’s doubtful I wanna hear them sing with wannabe singers) – ABC, Thursdays
I Cloned My Pet – This might have been just a one-episode show, but basically it follows people who had an obsession with their pets, and those pets died, and now they’re trying to clone the dead pet, or something.
Hip Hop Squares – A hip hop take on the old Hollywood Squares show (seems like it’s geared towards a specific viewer, and it’s not me) – MTV, almost every day
Men At Work – Four men navigate work, friendship and women (I’ve actually watched a couple episodes of this show as it’s the only sitcom on this list. It’s pretty terrible…recycled jokes about one of the guy’s girlfriends wanting to have sex too often…there’s the stereotypical ladies’ man, the nerd, the guy who just got dumped and is depressed, and the normal guy. Don’t waste your time) – TBS, Thursdays
It’s a sad list of shows. But do me a favor and let me know if there are any shows on this summer that are actually worth watching. And do yourself a favor and go see some movies instead of watching Pregnant in Heels. Specifically go see The Avengers in 3D. You won’t be sorry.
I’ve been living in LA for six days, and the reason for the move was to jumpstart my writing career. And maybe in those six days I haven’t written a single thing, but I’ve never been so sure that my screenwriting career is secure.
There are three main reasons for this confidence. Here are those reasons in the form of YouTube clips (I swear these are all real, meaning someone wrote the script, someone got hundreds of actors to willingly audition for these roles, and someone else spent millions of dollars producing and marketing these movies):
I worry that I’ll come home one day to find Julie trapped inside my wire jungle
I have already lost two full days trying to solve this riddle, and there’s no end in sight.
In my current apartment, we have DirecTV, a DVR for recording shows, and a Blu-Ray player. Our DirecTV package has most of the regular cable channels as well as HBO & Cinemax. We have typically bought the NFL Ticket and MLB Extra Innings packages to watch football and baseball when they’re in season. Our Blu-Ray player can stream Netflix Instant content. Those are all of the options we have available at this time. While Netflix Instant is affordable at $8 per month, DirecTV rapes us to the tune of $124 per month.
With the move to the new place in LA only two weeks away, I thought this would be the right time to do a reset of my home entertainment packages to see if I can A) leverage different services and devices to have a broader choice in TV shows and movies, and B) cut out some significant costs from my current situation.
As I started researching this topic via the web and chatting with friends, I came across an endless amount of options: Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon Instant Video, HBO GO, Roku, AppleTV, iTunes, DirecTV, Comcast, On Demand, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, illegal downloading…
Don’t worry, this can go even one layer deeper in complexity when you start to consider the following: Netflix has its instant service and its regular/ship you dvd’s service; HBO GO only works if you have an active HBO subscription through a participating cable or dish provider, Hulu has free and plus services, Roku has four different devices with options on picture quality as well as having ports for your USB cable. Not a single service seems to have “everything.” For instance, Netflix Instant has almost every well-known TV show, but lags in making the newest seasons of shows available to you. Hulu Plus’s claim to fame is that the newest episodes of currently airing TV shows are available the day after they air. But their problem is they don’t have deals with all the major network and cable channels so some shows are missing. Amazon looks awful for current TV shows but awesome for movies.
It also seems like if you were to create a spreadsheet that matched up all content providers (i.e. Netflix, Hulu, Amazon) with all the physical devices that the content can be streamed through (i.e. PS3, Xbox, Roku), your computer would probably explode. Just like my head was about to do when I started to consider all these options.
Maybe the first thing I should figure out is what I really want access to. Ideally I want to be able to watch any new/currently airing TV shows close to the date that the new episodes actually air. I also want to catch up on old seasons of still-airing shows like Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and 30 Rock. I need the ability to watch the playoffs of all major sports. But I also need access to every Red Sox and Patriots game. Movies don’t matter as much: I just want the option to see most new movies that are coming out on DVD.
I know some people who have gotten rid of cable/satellite service all together and get their content exclusively from the Netflix and Hulu’s of the world. This is the dream scenario, and I eventually want to get there. But here are three reasons why I’m reluctant to get rid of DirecTV/cable: playoff sports still have a lot of games on channels like ESPN, TBS, TNT; without cable I feel like I might miss out on something (there’s no logic to this feeling, it’s just an emotional reaction); and Julie will go ApeShit on me because all of the ridiculous shows she watches are on Food Network, MTV, E!, and TLC, and I don’t think she could get access to all of that content from another service.
I guess I’m leaning towards keeping DirecTV (but going back to the most basic package possible), and then buying a Roku to stream Netflix Instant and the MLB.tv package on my TV. This will probably satisfy me for three months, at which time I will buy AppleTV, subscribe to Hulu Plus, buy a PlayStation 3, add HBO to my DirecTV package again so I can access HBO GO, and of course activate the NFL Ticket just in time for football season.
I’m exhausted from this talk we just had…any better suggestions for me?
Apparently female-led TV shows are all the rage these days. When the new TV schedule launched last fall, people were praising all the shows that suddenly focused on women. There are three shows in particular that women seem to have gravitated towards, but the only problem is that they are all differing levels of horrible. There’s Whitney (Colossal Disaster), 2 Broke Girls (Regular-sized Disaster), and New Girl (Whatever one step below a disaster is).
I know what you’re thinking…how do I know so much about these “TV shows for women,” right? Well, on my most unlucky nights, I’m sometimes forced to watch TV with women. Unfortunately they don’t pick to watch the same NHL Network highlights over and over. They pick the three shows mentioned above. Whitney is so horrible that on one episode, you could actually hear boo’s coming from the automated laugh track. 2 Broke Girls is possibly the least funny sitcom anyone’s ever created. And the only redeeming quality of New Girl is the hotness of its lead actress, Zooey Deschanel. But even that isn’t enough to give the show any staying power in my mind.
I take most of my cues on what new shows to watch from Entertainment Weekly. The magazine reminds you of every new show coming out on a weekly basis, and they make solid recommendations most of the time. But I was naturally a little skeptical when I saw three more female-led shows hitting the TV within a couple weeks of each other. EW gave all three solid reviews so I thought I’d try them all out and report back on my experience.
Here are my reviews and rankings of the three new shows in question:
3. Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23 (Three episodes aired, Wednesdays at 9:30pm on ABC)
Terrible name. Terrible show.
This sitcom is about June, a 26-year-old woman whose job as a mortgage broker transfers her from Indiana to New York. The opening episode jams the theme of “naive midwesterner in a big, scary city” down our throats. June’s life plan is to be married with a steady job by 26, have two kids by 30, blah blah blah… All of that goes to shit when her office and apartment are seized by the feds because her boss is accused of embezzling money. From there her life spirals out of control when she catches her fiance cheating on her with her new roommate, Chloe.
Chloe is the “bitch” from the title. She’s apparently a con artist that does whatever necessary to drive her roommates crazy (walk around naked, have loud parties on a Tuesday night, go to the bathroom while her roommate is in the bath tub). These roommates inevitably get fed up and leave, and Chloe gets to keep their rent money and security deposit.
This premise seems halfway decent if the show was centered around Chloe and a revolving door of roommates, but instead it seems like June is the center of this show. That’s unfortunate because it means we’re in for 10 more episodes of her bouncing back and forth between, “I’m 26 and my life plan isn’t on track anymore, poor me,” and, “You’re right, why do I care about my life plan so much? Let’s be spontaneous.”
After watching all three episodes, I can confidently tell you not to bother with it. The plots are horrible and all over the place; the characters haven’t been developed very well; the funny parts that are supposed to be centered around the outrageous Chloe and her antics fall more than flat (as an example, in episode 2, the “humor” was centered around Chloe calling her dad “Scott” and treating him like a friend instead of a dad). And somehow, these two women who were ready to rip each other’s throats out in episode one are suddenly chummy and happy to coexist in episodes two and three. It’s also beyond unbelievable that June would stay in this apartment with the stuff Chloe puts her through.
Best minor character: James Van Der Beek…played by James Van Der Beek. I’d watch a show based purely on this guy looking for acting jobs, but unfortunately Don’t Trust the B only gives us three minutes of him per episode.
Status on my DVR: Cancelled effective immediately
2. Girls (Three episodes aired, Sundays at 10:30pm on HBO)
Go ahead. Laugh at me for thinking I might enjoy a show titled “Girls.” But I like HBO original programming, and I usually give most of their new shows a try. I understood the premise to be, “young adult trying to find her niche in life struggles to get by in a recession-era New York City.” I thought it would be a show that all young adults could relate to as they try to find their place in the world. I was hoping for universal themes and plots. Unfortunately, after three episodes, it seems like this is a show for women only. Here are some of the main topics and issues the characters have dealt with so far:
-Unwanted pregnancy and the subsequent abortion
-Getting your period when you think you’re pregnant
-Getting tested for STD’s because the guy who you have sex with regularly may or may not always use a condom, and may or may not be sleeping with other women
-Being a virgin at the age of 20-something
And for the most part, these things weren’t dealt with in a humorous way. I could maybe get on board with that. It’s a particularly heavy show, and while it’s extremely well done, I just don’t think it’s for me (call me immature, but I really do need some laughs with my daily dose of abortion, periods, and STDs). The reason I haven’t ditched the show entirely is because I’m amazed by Lena Dunham (not in a “she’s hot” kind of way like Zooey). She plays the lead character, Hannah, but also is the creator/executive producer of the show, and she writes and directs the episodes too. That’s pretty friggen amazing for a 25-year-old.
Best line so far: “There is seriously nothing flakier in this world than not showing up to your own abortion.” See, now that’s abortion with a humorous twist! If only more of the show could be that funny.
Status on my DVR: Not cancelled yet, but it’s only a matter of time.
1). Veep (Two episodes aired, Sundays at 10pm on HBO)
Brilliant. The idea to create a show focused on the Vice President of the United States isn’t brilliant itself. But the combination of the genre (comedy), the tone (hapless satire with just the right amount of subtlety) and the lead actress (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) make it extremely promising.
You could almost describe Veep as “Parks and Recreation in the White House.” It has the politician who means well but tends to put her foot in her mouth far too often. And it has her surrounding staff of misfits who can simultaneously get her out of a jam while creating a whole new problem. If you like Parks and Rec, The Office or Arrested Development, give this show a chance and I promise you won’t regret it.
Best Minor Character: Speaking of Arrested Development, Tony Hale, who plays Buster on that show, is cast as Gary, the VP’s body man. I have no idea what a body man really does, but it apparently includes taking a “sneeze bullet” for the VP. And while we’re talking about the minor characters, I have a feeling that if you watch Veep, you’ll enjoy the VP’s staff more than the VP herself. They are all amazing in their own way.
Best line so far: “Did the President call? No?” It’s a running question from the VP to her receptionist, and you have to watch to appreciate it.
Status on my DVR: Taping all episodes, on the rise as one of my favorite comedies.
For the second consecutive year, I watched Wrestlemania at my brother’s house with a small group: three guys, two girls. Now you may think legendary blogging skills run in my family, and I wouldn’t blame you for that. But they don’t. So when the aforementioned brother suggested we do a joint blog about the event, I was slightly hesitant. But ultimately I agreed. Throughout the telecast of Wrestlemania, I could see him taking quick notes when something interesting or funny happened. I thought to myself, “This is great…he’s gonna send me a nice short recap of the events and we can combine notes for a fantastic blog post.”
Unfortunately what I received from him on Monday was a 2,050 word stream of consciousness brain dump. It’s like, jeez, my blog is already unpopular enough…I don’t need to further alienate my readers by posting thousands of words on a subject no one wants to read about. Part of me wanted to post his exact words and just watch the tumbleweed take over. But that would be irresponsible. Instead I’ve spent my precious time combing through this bullshit trying to make it a workable blog.
The following is a recap of our Wrestlemania viewing. It is told from the perspective of my brother, but you can bet your ass all of the funny parts were written by me. Enjoy…
In March of 2011, Rmurdera and I heard that one of our favorite WWE personalities from our childhood (where childhood is equal to age 18 and up), The Rock, was making a comeback at Wrestlemania 27. We gathered a few close friends (the middle brother, my wife, Rmurdera’s girlfriend) to watch the proceedings. After four hours of fake wrestling, we decided it was probably our last Wrestlemania until one of us had an eight-year-old that was into wrestling.
Fast forward to this past Sunday. The exact same crew, thoroughly embarrassed to be doing so, gathered again to give Wrestlemania another shot. It must thrill the girls that when no real sports are happening on a Sunday, we’d rather watch fake sports than spend the day with them. Rmuderera and myself decided to keep a running diary of the events so that in March 2013 we can quickly remember why we quit Wrestlemania the previous years, and I could save myself $65. Here is what transpired over four hours of fake wrestling (where “wrestling” = 30 minutes of actual wrestling and 3 hours & 30 minutes of posing, strutting and pumping up the crowd):
Match One: Sheamus vs Daniel Bryant – Heavyweight Championship
It might seem like Heavyweight represents the most prestigious championship you can get, but it’s not. It’s the second best. Let me explain it in terms you’ll clearly understand. If wrestling was European soccer, the Heavyweight Championship would be equivalent to the Europa League, as opposed to the Champions League which would be equivalent to the WWE Championship.
More relevant than who won the match is how insanely ghost white Sheamus’ body is. Think Casper the Ghost & Powder’s love child. I think one member of our viewing party put it nicely when she asked “Did he get a reverse spray tan?”
Match Two: Kane vs Randy Orton – Grudge Match
Don’t ask for clarification on a grudge match. The WWE requires all wrestling matches have a gimmicky name, even if there is no gimmick.
At least Kane’s entrance gets the girls excited for the first time tonight. His long hair is a comfortable topic that they can spend hours on. It’s unanimous that Kane’s long greasy hair is embarrassing enough that he chooses to wear a mask at all times. He was also voted “grossest wrestler” by two people who have probably seen a total of six wrestlers in their lifetime.
**Before we start the next match, I have my “this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever watched on TV” moment when three grown men spend five minutes smashing plates of crab legs while wearing sock puppets.**
Match Three: Cody Rhodes vs The Big Show – Intercontinental Championship
Sorry, I don’t have a confusing soccer analogy to explain the significance of this championship to you. But I will give you the tale of the tape and let you decide who should win this match:
Though I know wrestling is fake, and I should be prepared for any amount of ridiculous things to happen, I do appreciate that sometimes they allow the outcome to be the obvious one. Like an actual giant beating a guy who wouldn’t stand out physically in a group of sixth graders.
*Through 45 minutes, the highlight of the night is the ad for the official Wrestlemania chair. I can promise the WWE that four orders have been placed from the San Francisco Bay Area.
Match Four: Maria Menounos and some woman vs Two other women – Diva Match
This is the obligatory women’s match where one of them has to be a non-wrestler C-list celebrity who learns one wrestling move to showcase but otherwise stands on the sidelines. Maria Menounos has apparently jumped to C-list level recently. The only memorable moment came when Maria pulled out the traditional wrestling move of rubbing her ass all over a lady’s face. Unfortunately the lady’s face was caked with makeup, and Maria ended up with a big brownish-colored makeup stain on her ass. This set us up nicely for a quick maturity test. When one of us called her “Poop Stain Maria” and the rest of us burst into laughter, we knew we had failed.
Match Five: Undertaker vs HHH (read as: triple H) – Hell in a Cell Match, End of an Era Match
They really outgimmicked themselves this time. This match could have stood alone without gimmick because the two wrestlers involved are WWE icons. Two of the best of this generation facing off in a ring should be good enough. But we get a Hell in a Cell Match, a cute name for a cage match. We get the End of an Era storyline, Undertaker rumored to be retiring after this match no matter what. There’s Undertaker putting his 19-0 Wrestlemania record on the line. And we even have a guest referree: Shawn Michaels, who is apparently best friends with HHH. That alone brings the legitimacy of this match into question. Add to it the fact that Undertaker is the one who ended Shawn Michaels’ wrestling career….see how easy it is to get sucked into the soap opera story lines?
The Undertaker wins the match, but I’d rather talk about the fans. If there’s one thing I know about wrestling fans, it’s that they are level-headed. They’re not ones to exaggerate or overreact. So when I check twitter after this match and see people tweeting things like, “I just stood up and clapped in my living room, most amazing match ever,” or, “tonight might be the most important night in sports history,” I realize I must be watching something special, even if I can’t see it myself.
**To waste time in between matches, we all give serious thought to what style of uniform you’d wear to wrestle in (a full spandex suit, the one-piece overall spandex, or the Andre the Giant single shoulder strap look). If you don’t immediately choose Andre the Giant, Rmurdera doesn’t want you reading his blog anymore.
Match 6: CM Punk vs Chris Jericho – WWE Title
Things we learn during this match:
-The “CM” in CM Punk stands for Cookie Master because as the man himself puts it, “I was a fat little kid that always ate cookies.” (Rmurdera wanted to chime in on this one: “So? You don’t see me calling myself CME Murdera do you? The “CME” stands for Cadbury Mini-Eggs because I’m a fat adult that always eats mini-eggs.”)
-Andy Garcia is the type of celebrity that sits front row at a wrestling event
-CM Punk is straight edge
-He can have caffeine
-But he can’t have casual sex
-My brother thinks this means he’s only allowed to have sex with a Tuxedo on
Match 7: The Rock vs John Cena – No Gimmick!
Oh, I see. The gimmick is that we have to sit through P Diddy introducing some band who then plays music for six minutes before the wrestlers are actually announced. The girls’ wish doesn’t come true when it turns out P Diddy is not at Wrestlemania to introduce Adele, but his appearance legitimizes the entire event in their minds.
While wrestling fans have to constantly endure the lengthy introductions and long, slow walks to the ring by the wrestlers, The Rock has taken this to a new level. Apparently he thinks the longer it takes him to enter, the more time his face will be the main thing we see on TV. And maybe seeing his face will condition us to want to go see Tooth Fairy 2: The Girl Who Extracted Her Own Wisdom Teeth.
It’s not important who won the match; it’s just important that this travesty of a sporting event is over. Two years in a row now I’ve said I’m not ordering this event again. But I’ll let one of the guys from “the most important wrestling match in the history of the world” decide my fate. If Undertaker comes back to defend his 20-0 record, I’ll pay to see it. Maybe Rmurdera & I will even pay to attend the event live (Editor’s note: trust me, we won’t).
The 2nd best line in the history of The Simpsons, captured on this license plate
It finally happened! After 17 years of constantly quoting this one particular Simpsons line, where Hans Moleman brings down the house by stating, “I was saying Boo-urns,” I finally realized my purpose in life was to see this license plate. I don’t think there’s a single line from any movie, TV show or Broadway play that I’ve quoted more in my lifetime than this. The episode where he says this aired in 1995, and for these 17 years, every single time I’ve heard booing at a sporting event, I’ve never missed a chance to say, “I was saying Boo-urns.” And here we have someone else who obviously obsessed over this line as much as me (someone rather successful I’d add, driving that nice 5-series BMW). This person is probably my soulmate, but I guess I’ll never know. What a day!
For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, here it is in all it’s glory:
And for anyone sitting on the edge of their seat, waiting for me to say what the best line in the history of The Simpsons is, it’s what Homer says at the end of this clip:
My hiatus from blogging is over, but I’ve basically been in a three-day coma since coming back from Vegas. This post might be rambling, incoherent and a waste of your time. I’ll be back with something on Vegas before the week’s over though.
-As usual, I’m late to the party, but I’ve been hearing about this Pinterest contraption for the last couple weeks. Curiosity and wikipedia tell me that it’s most popular with women. I knew it was a perfect fit for me so I tried to sign up. Pinterest was kind enough to send me an email saying, “Thanks for joining the Pinterest waiting list. We’ll be sure to send you an invite soon. In the meantime, you can follow us on Twitter. You can also explore a few pins. We’re excited to get you pinning soon! – Ben and the Pinterest Team”
We’re excited to get you pinning soon? Thanks for joining the waiting list? Does Pinterest realize I’m not putting my name in for Patriots season tickets here? I’m trying to log on to a G.D. website. I work in the web-based applications industry. The whole point is for the customer to be able to use the software immediately, and have as many people as they want on it. This whole “exclusive” thing just isn’t gonna fly for me. Oh, and I can follow you on Twitter so you can continue to taunt me about not being a member? Pinterest, you just lost your worst customer.
I shouldn’t complain though because March is the perfect time for this thing to catch on. I know a certain girlfriend who went to a bar with her boyfriend two Saturdays ago and proceeded to sit through six hours of basketball. Pinterest literally babysat her the whole time. Same goes for that half hour every night where you just wanna watch ESPNNEWS to catch up on the day’s events. It’s like that very repetitive joke from a million TV shows where the parents plop their kid in front of the TV, turn it on and leave the house for hours. Just pull up Pinterest on your iPad or computer, hand it to the girl and let her pin away.
The best part is that after you watch her spend an entire day on Pinterest, you can actually get mad at her for ignoring you the whole time. And she won’t even realize you just watched eight straight basketball games.
From what I can tell, Pinterest is a place where women tell each other all the things they’re not going to accomplish in their lives (“I’m definitely gonna start knitting and make everyone a scarf.” or “I’m gonna collect a bunch of jars and then fill them with old bottle caps, wine corks and fortunes from fortune cookies.”)
-Even though I hated to put the blog on hiatus for a week, I thought it would be a good litmus test to see if people were excited enough about it to think something was broken since they weren’t receiving the emails or twitter updates. I expected people would be checking the website to see if they missed something. Not only do the page view stats not support this idea, but WordPress is threatening to evict me if I don’t start pulling in more than two viewers a day. Let’s move on to my very random thought on TV:
-I’m loyal to a fault when it comes to my favorite TV shows, especially with ranking who’s at the top of my Favorite Comedies list. Up until a few years ago, it was The Office, even if that show had already peaked years earlier. More recently it’s been It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which has had an amazing five or six year run. The true measuring stick of which show I love the best is whether I watch each episode multiple times. There’s always a show that I need to re-watch, sometimes three or four times in a week. Based on this information, I’m happy to announce a new top dog in my thirty-minute comedy power rankings. And that dog is Parks & Recreation. If you’re not watching it, you’re making a huge mistake.
And if you do watch Parks & Rec religiously, and Andy Dwyer isn’t your favorite character, then you’re a goddamned moron. How can you not love this guy:
Moving on to movies…
-If you’re considering seeing Wanderlust in theaters, consider this first: A movie for two will cost you about $22 (not counting that extra large popcorn, soda and jujubes, you fat ass), but for free I can send you Role Models and you can imagine Jennifer Aniston playing Paul Rudd’s girlfriend/wife instead of Elizabeth Banks. If you just picture that movie plus a little more nudity and drugs, you’ve got Wanderlust. And that’s actually giving it too much credit. Role Models was solid; this abortion of a movie managed to ruin my entire night and ruin my faith in comedy. Friedchips better temper his expectations for the not-yet-made Wet Hot American Summer 2 based on what I just witnessed from David Wain.
-The only movies in my lifetime that I’ve needed to see on their opening day were the three newest Star Wars, and I’m not ashamed at all to admit that. I am, however, slightly ashamed to admit that I’m taking work off this Friday to see the Hunger Games on its opening day. I bought tickets ahead of time, planning to show up nice & early, and sacrificing a vacation day that could be used for something like vacation eventually to see this movie. You can laugh…it’s a movie for teenagers/young adults. I like to think 29 is still considered “young adult” but I don’t think so. If this movie is as “good” as Wanderlust, I’m going to slit my wrists.
Get ready to smear some mud on your ass! And definitely get ready to hump the shit out of your refrigerator! Cause it looks like Gene and the whole crew from Wet Hot American Summer are coming back, for Wet Hot American Summer 2!!! Seriously, I don’t think I can put enough exclamation points on the end of these sentences to truly capture how exciting this news is. It’s like the equivalent of getting your drivers license, eating your first Anna’s burrito and getting laid for the first time all on the same day. It’s like 10 years of anticipation culminating in one final awesomely climactic moment of freedom, carnitas and awkward car sex. Wet Hot is a freaking classic. I could watch that movie any time, dinner time, literally any time.
On Thursday’s Daily Show, Paul Rudd mentioned that David Wain and Michael Showalter are in the process of writing the sequel, and some random dude from some site I’ve never heard of confirms it in this article. While Wet Hot is my favorite comedy of all time, I have to say it totally ruined Law In Order SVU for me. Christopher Meloni is clearly wasting his comedic talents on that show, and now all I think about when he’s investigating a sexual assault is Gene prancing around showing Coop his “new way” or talking to his can of mixed vegetables. Unfortunately, some people find it to be in poor taste to laugh out loud when the SVU cops uncover another child rape.
Anyway, I’ve always mocked those Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter weirdos who stand in line for hours in their ridiculous costumes to catch the premieres of those movies, but when the time comes, I can guarantee that I’ll be out there in my cut off jean shorts and belly shirt fondling some sweaters. Who wants to come as the can of veggies?
Don't tell me Brad Pitt can't age 20 years in a movie...
So the Oscars are happening this Sunday. And as a diehard movie buff, I did what I always do the week leading up to the big event: I watch 1 of the Best Picture nominees and convince myself that it’s the best movie of all the nominees. This year it was Moneyball.
Though I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, I was disappointed by 3 main things:
1). Scott Hatteberg’s character was played by the same actor who plays Andy Dwyer on Parks & Recreation so I was extremely disappointed when Scott wasn’t saying things like, “If you rearrange the letters in Peru, you get Europe,” or “I hit my head…or, brain helmet.” By the way, if you don’t watch this TV show, you’re missing out big time.
2). I kept expecting Jonah Hill’s character, the assistant GM of the A’s, to be drawing dicks all over his spreadsheets and documents. Watching Super Bad again this past Saturday probably played a major role in this particular expectation.
3). This final one really threw me off the whole time: In the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Brad Pitt plays a character ranging in age from 30 to 85 (rough estimate). The actor–combined with make up and visual effects–is able to play a character over a period of 50-60 years. In Moneyball, Brad Pitt plays Billy Beane, GM of the A’s, at the age of 40 in 2002. But when the movie does flashbacks to show a younger Billy at ages 18-29, they use a completely different actor. So in one movie, Brad Pitt can span half a century, but in another movie, they can’t make him play the same character over a 20 year span? Was this only confusing to me? Totally bugged me the entire time. For those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother, this is similar to the weirdness in that show where the main character is an adult, but when they flash forward to him narrating the stories to his kids (presumably 20 years later), it’s Bob Saget’s voice. At what point in this guy’s adulthood is he going to turn from his current self to Bob Saget? Why couldn’t the actor who plays the main character in present time also provide the voice for the flash forwards?? Just makes no sense.
And while we’re speaking of the Oscars, I’m begging the Academy not to give the Best Picture to The Artist. It’s probably a great movie, but you’re setting movies back 75 years by voting for this film. The Oscars are constantly concerned by lack of viewers, especially younger viewers. And yet, here we are, days away from seeing a silent movie win the big prize. Here’s one simple question the voters should ask themselves to decide what is really the Best Picture: “which movie am I likely to watch more than 1 time?” Or put another way, “which movie will most likely cause me to put the remote control down if I’m channel surfing and stumble upon it playing on HBO?” Isn’t that the right way to judge the best movie? Don’t we only watch the best movies multiple times?
For example, last year I saw The King’s Speech in the theaters about 2 weeks before the Oscars. Good movie for sure, but will I ever stop to watch it if it’s on TV? Not a chance. Nominated against The King’s Speech last year was Inception. Also saw it in the theaters….but also have watched it 15 times over the last year whenever it comes on TV. That, to me, makes it the better movie.
So there’s my two big opinions on movies leading up to the Oscars: if Brad Pitt can age 50 years in one movie, he can do it in another movie, and the Best Picture Award should be turned into the Most Watchable Movie Award.
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