The Great Quake of 2012

Posted on by Ross Gariepy
San Francisco will be in recovery mode for a long time

Dear Bay Area,

Hi, Rmurdera here.  We need to have a talk.  I think we all need to come to an agreement on when an earthquake is newsworthy.  I don’t mind that the morning news mentions every time there’s a little jolt while we’re all sleeping, but to treat these minor tremors like high priority, press-stopping news is really fucking annoying.

Here’s the deal I’m willing to make: when an earthquake causes death, serious injury or property damage over $45, we can scrap the regular news for hours upon hours of “breaking news: special earthquake coverage.”  But in return, whenever an earthquake can be best described as “a 10 second jolt that didn’t knock anything over,” we’re gonna have the news anchor come on TV and say, “this just in: a 4.0 magnitude earthquake hit just now.  It was centered in El Cerrito…no harm was done.  Let’s continue on with actual news.”  And that’s it.

Otherwise we have a situation like what I witnessed this morning.  I woke up at 5:30 to the 10 seconds of shaking.  It seemed similar to the other 200 quakes I’ve felt in six years of living in San Francisco so I thought no big deal.  I go back to sleep until about 6:45.  When I woke up and turned on the news, I thought for a second that I had slept through a history-making quake.  We’re talking breaking news, geologist experts on the phone every five minutes explaining what happened, all of the station’s reporters being sent to random towns throughout the bay area to collect stories of all the horror that residents witnessed when the shaking started (“wow, so this bottle of soda slid right off your counter?”).  My god, it was such a huge tragedy here that one poor woman lost a whole container of lemonade mix when it fell off her shelf! (I’m not even exaggerating…KRON4 spent 10 minutes where the reporter scrolled through the station’s facebook page on her phone relaying what residents were experiencing, and sure enough, the biggest incident was the lemonade falling over…oh the humanity!)

By the way, the Red Cross has setup a website for anyone who wants to help out the people who have been affected by the falling lemonade and soda: The Great Quake of 2012 Fund

Not only did this earthquake not cause any damage, but just today there have technically been 12 earthquakes in the SF Bay Area.  Check it out for yourself: earthquake list for San Francisco.  Let’s say anything under a 6.0 doesn’t get wall-to-wall news coverage anymore.  Let’s save that for the real disasters.

Speaking of the real disasters, I don’t know if other Bay Area residents feel like me, but I’m screwed when the big one comes.  All these little shakes have conditioned me to ignore an earthquake as if it’s a rain shower.  When the 9.0 hits later this year, you can find my body under a pile of rubble, iphone in hand, mid-tweeting “hahaha, another little shake to scare the masses.”

How low can the Mets go?

Posted on by friedchips

ABC News – The New York Mets’ owners must pay up to $83 million to the trustee recovering money for Bernard Madoff investors, a judge said Monday, though he expressed doubt that the trustee will succeed in proving at a trial this month that he’s entitled to as much as $300 million more.

 Another week, another installment.  This blog practically writes itself.  Hope Fred has a shit ton more of those 5 dollar bills.  I actually don’t know how to feel about this.  On the surface, it’s obviously a huge setback to a team who’s finances make the Greek economy look like it’s run by fucking Warren Buffett.  On the other hand, maybe if it keeps getting worse, Wilpon will have no choice but to sell the team.
 
PS – Great article here about how the Mets have absolutely no depth and will essentially be fielding a farm team if anyone gets hurt this year.  Good thing the Mets are great at staying healthy, ahem… Apparently their best lefty off the bench is a former pitcher with 39 major league at bats.  Couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

Talking about Kox…the Tiny kind

Posted on by Ross Gariepy
Tiny Kox: the name says it all

I’m probably late to the party with this post as I heard twitter is already blowing up about it, but I can’t help myself.  I just have to blog about Tiny Kox.  No, I didn’t say “tiny cocks” because I’m not talking about particularly small penises.

I’m talking about the man named Tiny Kox.  The less observant people might have missed it while reading CNN this morning, but sure enough, there’s a very upset Tiny Kox in this article: Observers Slam Russian Vote

Now, I did some research on this Tiny Kox, and it turns out his real name isn’t “Tiny.”  As you’ll notice here on Wikipedia his name is actually Martinus Josephus Maria (Tiny) Kox.

If that’s my real name, I’m going with either Martin Kox or Joe Kox as the name people should call me.  Hell, I’d gladly have people call me Maria Kox before they’re calling me Tiny Kox.

-Thanks to BAS for the tip.

friedchips tips for successful life living: tip 1

Posted on by friedchips

If you attend a bachelor party where you don’t know most of the people, and somebody offers you a pot cookie, politely decline.

Or accept… and then spend the next two hours questioning why you were even invited to the party, when you are obviously a complete loser that nobody likes.  Spend an entire dinner sitting uncomfortably across from two dudes you don’t really know and wondering if they are totally weirded out that you haven’t said a word in what seems like hours.  Focus intently on how every move you make is unfathomably awkward and strange.  Hold in your pee for like an hour because you think it may seem weird if you get up and go to the bathroom.  Keep trying to convince yourself that this is just the pot making you paranoid, and that the other 12 people at the table aren’t all secretly laughing at you behind your back.  Pray to god that you start to feel normal before the strip club, because interacting with strippers seems like the worst possible scenario in the world at that moment.  Yup, just politely decline, even if they say it’s mild.  Trust me.  It’s not worth the risk.

Is your google search history as ridiculous as mine?

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

When a blogger runs out of original ideas for posts, he inevitably falls back on creating a list.  Lists are easy to make, and everyone loves to read a list because they think it’s shorter than a regular blog post (I’ll prove here how wrong of an assumption that is).
I’m running dry on ideas right about now, and my mind is already in Tahoe.  Four feet of fresh snow will do that.  I’m lacking inspiration so here’s my list.  It’s called “What does the average 29-year-old have on his recent google search history?”  Let’s see if I can come up with a good reason for why I searched each of these terms:

Oprah Winfrey – She was on Jimmy Kimmel the other night and I said she had “the eyes of a 70-year-old.”  She’s actually only 58.
how to sign over a check – I was in a high stakes poker game where either I or someone else had to sign over their whole paycheck to cover a bet.
cruise passed a building – This is my way of checking my grammar.  I was trying to figure out whether to write the word “passed” or “past” in a sentence.
twitter etiquette – I like to know the rules so I can break them.
Jonah Hill oscar date – Chalking this one up to the girlfriend hijacking the ipad.
Penis BBQ – We’re having a penis BBQ next Saturday and you’re all invited.  No, someone told me about a pretty amazing picture and you should check it out if you haven’t seen it yet
Life’s too short – was looking for a new TV show that’s on HBO.  Don’t worry, it’s not a sign of depression or anything.  That would be weird anyway, “life’s too friggen short.  this sucks.  I wonder if anyone else also thinks life’s too short.”
can you see jupiter tonight – I google this same sentence every night.  Never wanna miss out.
is hugo animated – it’s not, but someone challenged me on it.
theaters showing best picture – had the ridiculous thought to spend last Sunday watching as many best picture nominations in the theater before the Oscars…luckily only The Artist was playing.
ahi tuna overdose – OK, I added the “overdose” to this.  But if I had to OD on something…
obscure table tennis rules – Our ping pong tournament at the bachelor party got so competitive people were trying to pull out ancient rules on each other.
taking care of business – I’m stumped.
what should i wear to play paintball – I think this makes me look like a wuss.  In my defense, someone texted me saying they googled that to see if they needed to wear a cup so I got curious too.
roasted salsify – Was in over my head with a menu at a fancy restaurant.
lamb daube – The entire menu got me.
2011 final four teams – Obligatory daily sports look up.  You know you do this too.
wine glass that doesn’t spill – Sometimes I accidentally type my invention ideas into google instead of my notes app.
Daniel and Cody sprouse – girlfriend hijacking again
Disney show with twins – same
bat a mammal – random trivia
mini eggs – checking on the earliest possible day I could buy these in stores.
captain of 94 dallas stars – another day, another sports trivia question.
michelle tanner catch phrase – settled a Full House argument where someone thought one of Michelle’s catchphrases was NOT “Oh Puh-lease!”
baking soda heartburn – I can’t remember if I was checking to see if baking soda caused heartburn or cured it.
bridal shower gift ideas – You can never be too prepared.
shrimp pineapple fried rice – It turned out OK, a little mushy.
hunger games trailer – I’m actually taking a day off of work in three weeks to see this movie on its opening day.
snooki bikini photo – my bedtime viewing.  No, again, girlfriend hijacked.

And last, but certainly not least…

vaginal mesh implant – I’m speechless.  I don’t have the slightest clue why this is in here.  I wanna say someone forwarded me some link about this, or I was trying to research one of my customer’s businesses.  I dunno.  I feel dirty and uncomfortable.

Clearing my search history NOW.

How low can the Mets go?

Posted on by friedchips

This will be the first of many, many, many installments of “How low can the Mets go?”

I know most of this blog’s readers couldn’t care less about the Mets.  I know Rmurdera will likely throw a hissy fit when he see’s this blog, and say something like “You worthless piece of shit ass pie donkey face (yes that is how he speaks to me).  Nobody cares about you and your loser Mets.  People want to hear about cool teams like The Red Sox… who were basically crowned “best team ever” before last season and then failed to make the playoffs.  People want to hear about Tom Brady and how he can’t win a big game anymore, but boy does he have dreamy hair.”

Well maybe’s he’s right, but all I know is that when there’s a car wreck on the road, people slow down to see it.  And the Mets are about to embark on a 162 car pileup of a season.  Every game this season promises to be just a complete and utter embarrassment, and what better way to commemorate this disaster than an installment of “How low can the Mets Go” after every head scratching misstep they make.  You see, the funny (tragic) thing about being a Mets fan is that every time you think they’ve hit rock bottom, they find some crazy new way to sink even lower.

I mean we’re only in Spring training and I’m already behind the 8 ball with these installments.  Wilpon’s already running his mouth about how he’s going to own the team for a long time and that all the salary dumping has been based on “baseball decisions” and has nothing to do with how he’s a fucking idiot and got scammed by Bernie Madoff.  You know what would have been a good baseball decision?  Trading that scumbag Jose Reyes last July at the peak of his value and getting some dumb team to overpay with awesome prospects.  You know what’s not a good baseball decision?  Not trading him and letting him sign with a division rival when everyone knew you had no chance of signing him in the first place.

Then yesterday, Wilpon introduces “underdog” t-shirts cause he think’s The Mets are the fucking Royals or something.  I guess he’s hoping these will replace all of the “Fire Wilpon” shirts Mets fans seem to love.  Newsflash Freddy, you can’t be an underdog in New York City.  You can either do what you are supposed to do – field a 150 million dollar team and win…. or suck.

And apparently, when he was asked about his financial situation, he took about a bunch of five dollar bills, waived them at reporters and said he had plenty of money.  What alternate universe is this guy living in?  Even Friedchips is walking around with some twenties on hand.  Can’t get shit in New York for five bucks.  Actually, I guess you can probably score some decent Mets tickets.

Get your dick cream ready….

Posted on by friedchips

Get ready to smear some mud on your ass!  And definitely get ready to hump the shit out of your refrigerator!  Cause it looks like Gene and the whole crew from Wet Hot American Summer are coming back, for Wet Hot American Summer 2!!!  Seriously, I don’t think I can put enough exclamation points on the end of these sentences to truly capture how exciting this news is.   It’s like the equivalent of getting your drivers license, eating your first Anna’s burrito and getting laid for the first time all on the same day.  It’s like 10 years of anticipation culminating in one final awesomely climactic moment of freedom, carnitas and awkward car sex.  Wet Hot is a freaking classic.  I could watch that movie any time, dinner time, literally any time.

On Thursday’s Daily Show, Paul Rudd mentioned that David Wain and Michael Showalter are in the process of writing the sequel, and some random dude from some site I’ve never heard of confirms it in this article.  While Wet Hot is my favorite comedy of all time, I have to say it totally ruined Law In Order SVU for me.  Christopher Meloni is clearly wasting his comedic talents on that show, and now all I think about when he’s investigating a sexual assault is Gene prancing around showing Coop his “new way” or talking to his can of mixed vegetables.  Unfortunately, some people find it to be in poor taste to laugh out loud when the SVU cops uncover another child rape.

Anyway, I’ve always mocked those Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter weirdos who stand in line for hours in their ridiculous costumes to catch the premieres of those movies, but when the time comes, I can guarantee that I’ll be out there in my cut off jean shorts and belly shirt fondling some sweaters.  Who wants to come as the can of veggies?

Bachelor Party in Tahoe: Golden Showers for Everyone

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

Ahhh, I got you.  You thought the Golden Shower reference was gonna be something gross, like a story about us ordering strippers for the bachelor and then he gives them a golden shower while we all sit around and rub oil on each other laugh.  Well you’re wrong!  Sickos… And by the way, if you’re reading this and have no idea what a golden shower is, well grandma & grandpa, you’re too old to be reading my blog anyway.

A full 7 days have passed since I participated in an epic Bachelor Party in Tahoe, and thus the ban of silence has been lifted.  I’m now free to talk about the weekend in the vaguest possible terms.  For all the guys that were part of the party, my advice for when your ladies ask if these poll answers are referring to something you personally did: just blame it on me.  Win-win.

And away we go…

Lent: Reset your New Year’s Resolution starting Now

Posted on by Ross Gariepy
Is it possible to eat 40 bags in 40 days?

Lent is for two kinds of people: wannabe good Christians that don’t do a goddamned thing all year to promote their religious beliefs, but decide to take part in the self-denial portion of Lent just because it draws attention, and fat people who have already failed their New Year’s resolutions.

For those Christian fake-dogooders, it’s a chance to draw attention by publicly declaring all the things they’re giving up.  “I know giving up my daily porn fix is crazy, but if Jesus could wander the desert for 40 days, this is the least I can do.”

And for the fatties, it’s a chance to have a do over with your New Year’s resolution to stop being lazy, go to the gym, stop eating chocolate, whatever.  Once these people find out on January 4th that there’s no way they can go a year without their vices, they wait until Lent and commit to trying for 40 days, it’s much more manageable.

In Catholic school, we usually gave up swearing or eating a certain snack/treat for the 40 days.  One year I tried to give up my bad habit of printing out naked pics of celebrities and bringing them to school, but I couldn’t last the 40 days.

Anyway, this all got me thinking, what should Rmurdera give up for Lent? (anyone who’s read the majority of my blogs is screaming at their computer right now for me to give up talking in the 3rd person. Fine, that’ll be one of them.  I’m telling ya the Kid can do it.  Starting now)

I’ve consulted w/ Google to find the 10 Most Cliched Things People Give up for Lent.  Let’s run through it:

1). Alcohol

HA!  Let’s make this one simple so we can move on.  I go to Vegas from March 14-18th to watch the first round of March Madness games with a bunch of dudes.  Sobriety is not an option.

2). Chocolate & Sweets

This one will never happen.  Lent happens to precede the holiday known as Easter.  Lent is also the only time of year where stores carry Cadbury Mini-Eggs, the greatest candy known to man.  I’m much more likely to eat 40 bags of mini-eggs in 40 days than try to give them up.

3). Cursing

Ten bucks says I don’t make it to the end of this post without swearing.

4). Facebook

Here’s one I can probably handle.  On average I probably post something to FB once every 8 months.  The problem is really boredom.  Whenever I’m alone standing in a line, waiting around, or any other times of general boredom, after catching up on 5 iphone games, looking through both work & personal email, checking weather & stocks (who am I?), and checking espn, I finally get around to scrolling through Facebook to pass the time.  I get bored often enough for this to be challenging.  But fine, let’s give it a whirl.

5). Television

Cruising past this because TV is awesome and I already mentioned 4 days of watching basketball in Vegas.

6). Junk Food

Here’s how my Vegas meals usually go down: Pizza, Denny’s, McDonald’s, Sbarro, Burger from sportsbook, Krispy Kreme, Wendy’s, Panda Express, Food Court Mexican (diarrhea for 1), all-you-can-eat buffet at strip club, Denny’s.  Next.

7). Soda

I’ll make you a deal here.  I won’t drink any soda unless I’m mixing it with alcohol, buying it at the movie theater, or if my girlfriend happens to have a Diet Coke with her while we’re hanging out.

8). Smoking

It specifies cigarettes, just to be clear.  And yes, I will continue to not smoke cigarettes.

9). Texting

Negative.  I despise talking over the phone to 90% of the people in my contact list.  Sometimes I still have to talk to them.  Texting is the answer.

10). Gossiping

Fine, no gossip.  But I’m still gonna tell tales, talk idly, jibber jabber, and meddle.

The final tally: No going on Facebook (except when this blog auto-posts to FB); No drinking soda except with alcohol, at the movies, or if my girlfriend has Diet Coke; Continue not smoking cigarettes; No “gossiping,” and No talking in the 3rd person.  Rmurdera thinks he can handle this shit for the next 40 days.

Oscar Week Movie Review

Posted on by Ross Gariepy
Don't tell me Brad Pitt can't age 20 years in a movie...

So the Oscars are happening this Sunday.  And as a diehard movie buff, I did what I always do the week leading up to the big event: I watch 1 of the Best Picture nominees and convince myself that it’s the best movie of all the nominees.  This year it was Moneyball.

Though I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, I was disappointed by 3 main things:

1). Scott Hatteberg’s character was played by the same actor who plays Andy Dwyer on Parks & Recreation so I was extremely disappointed when Scott wasn’t saying things like, “If you rearrange the letters in Peru, you get Europe,” or “I hit my head…or, brain helmet.”  By the way, if you don’t watch this TV show, you’re missing out big time.

2). I kept expecting Jonah Hill’s character, the assistant GM of the A’s, to be drawing dicks all over his spreadsheets and documents.  Watching Super Bad again this past Saturday probably played a major role in this particular expectation.

3). This final one really threw me off the whole time: In the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Brad Pitt plays a character ranging in age from 30 to 85 (rough estimate).  The actor–combined with make up and visual effects–is able to play a character over a period of 50-60 years.  In Moneyball, Brad Pitt plays Billy Beane, GM of the A’s, at the age of 40 in 2002.  But when the movie does flashbacks to show a younger Billy at ages 18-29, they use a completely different actor.  So in one movie, Brad Pitt can span half a century, but in another movie, they can’t make him play the same character over a 20 year span?  Was this only confusing to me?  Totally bugged me the entire time.  For those of you who watch How I Met Your Mother, this is similar to the weirdness in that show where the main character is an adult, but when they flash forward to him narrating the stories to his kids (presumably 20 years later), it’s Bob Saget’s voice.  At what point in this guy’s adulthood is he going to turn from his current self to Bob Saget?  Why couldn’t the actor who plays the main character in present time also provide the voice for the flash forwards??  Just makes no sense.

And while we’re speaking of the Oscars, I’m begging the Academy not to give the Best Picture to The Artist.  It’s probably a great movie, but you’re setting movies back 75 years by voting for this film.  The Oscars are constantly concerned by lack of viewers, especially younger viewers.  And yet, here we are, days away from seeing a silent movie win the big prize.  Here’s one simple question the voters should ask themselves to decide what is really the Best Picture: “which movie am I likely to watch more than 1 time?”  Or put another way, “which movie will most likely cause me to put the remote control down if I’m channel surfing and stumble upon it playing on HBO?”  Isn’t that the right way to judge the best movie?  Don’t we only watch the best movies multiple times?

For example, last year I saw The King’s Speech in the theaters about 2 weeks before the Oscars.  Good movie for sure, but will I ever stop to watch it if it’s on TV?  Not a chance.  Nominated against The King’s Speech last year was Inception.  Also saw it in the theaters….but also have watched it 15 times over the last year whenever it comes on TV.  That, to me, makes it the better movie.

So there’s my two big opinions on movies leading up to the Oscars: if Brad Pitt can age 50 years in one movie, he can do it in another movie, and the Best Picture Award should be turned into the Most Watchable Movie  Award.

Dad office spaces laptop… but with a gun

Posted on by friedchips

Now, that’s what I’m talking about.  I mean, literally the only reason to have kids is so you can train them to do stupid shit around the house for you right?  Sure, the first few years are a little tough since all they do is sleep, eat and poop all over the place.  But when I have kids and age 6 or 7 hits, it’s gonna be super happy fun times for friedchips.  My kids are gonna be making me grilled cheese sammies and grabbing me beers 24/7.  Making beds and washing dishes that the finest cleaning ladies in all the lands would be proud of.  Mowing the lawn and raking leaves like John Deere himself.  Baking cookies and tending the garden like Martha freaking Stewart.  The way I see it, if I’m putting a roof over their heads and food on their plates, that pretty much makes them my slaves.

Also, while I respect the hell out of this guy for putting 8 rounds through his ungrateful daughter’s computer, that video could have been about 1000 times better.  How upsetting was it when he took that first shot and all it did was put one little hole through the middle?  You absolutely HAVE to pull out the shot gun for something like this and just blow that thing to smithereens.  Break out some imovie, slow motion that shit, throw some Geto Boys on in the background, and give that thing a proper send off.

PS – Really weird how that guy massages his cigarette at 5:40.

Bachelor Parties Gone Wrong

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

So Rmurdera’s sitting on his couch, watching King of Queens (best that TV has to offer at 3:30 in the afternoon when you skip out on work early), and trying to come up with 1 more blog post before the weekend.  As of 6pm tonight, he’s off to Tahoe for a bachelor party, so of course he wants to leave you all with 1 more juicy post to eat up over the next 4 days.  Problem is Rmurdera can’t think of anything to write.

Write about sports?  No thanks.  Red Sox season is starting soon, but Eric Wilbur from Boston.com already summed up the Boston sports fans’ feelings with this captivating article: Red Sox sweeping regret under the rug (Rmurdera is totally joking here.  Eric Wilbur is a no-talent douche bag who has no idea what Boston fans are thinking right now).  Not only does this clown miss the mark on the Sox by inferring that fans are still pissed and want the Sox players to own up to the end of last season (all we really want is for them to get through spring training healthy and start off better than last year’s 2-10 mark opened the season), but he’s also the same jackass that wrote this column after the Patriots’ loss 11 days ago: Blame Brady for this one.  Actually, not only are we NOT upset w/ Brady after that game, but we’re actually dying over anticipation for next season, knowing this team is on the verge of another 3-championships-in-4-years run.

Sorry, that paragraph really had nothing to do w/ this post.  Rmurdera’s just been fuming lately over certain Boston media members trying to cause a rift between the players & fans.

So anyway, Rmurdera thought writing something about bachelor parties would make sense.  Then he thought, “why not go on YouTube, find some crazy bachelor party videos, tell the world this weekend’s party was gonna be similar, and scare the shit out of every wife & girlfriend who has a guy going on this Tahoe trip.”  That would be hysterical, right?

Only problem is that when you search “crazy bachelor party” on YouTube, these are the only type of videos that come up: Bachelor Party Gone Wrong and Bachelor Party Gone Horribly Wrong.

What the fuck is wrong w/ everyone?  When did “hey dude, let’s throw Jeff a crazy bachelor party” turn into “male strippers grind all up on Jeff’s shit,” or worse, “Jeff’s friend dresses up like a female stripper and gives him a fucking lap dance?”

If Rmurdera ever got married and his friends did something like this to him, he’d calmly get out of his chair, walk out the front door, douse the porch with gasoline and put a match to it.

No one gets out alive.

Rmurdera out.

What is Rmurdera, King of Romance, doing for Valentine’s Day?

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

Rmurdera’s 4 simple steps to Valentine’s Day Perfection:

1). Celebrate Valentine’s Day on any other day but Valentine’s Day!  Much like New Year’s Eve’s reputation of being amateur hour for people partying in the city, V-day is the same way for lovers.  Reservations are nearly impossible to come by (especially when you wait until Feb 8th to start planning), and your favorite restaurants are overrun with newly-dating couples and miserable groups of girls who are completely faking happiness for one night.

Rmurdera took his girl out for a romantic dinner this past Saturday night.  French bistro all the way…including a menu full of words that required access to google translate.  It’s always romantic when you ask the waitress to explain the menu to you as if you’re a 5-year-old.

2). You need a post-dinner plan…and it needs to be more elaborate than “I hope she invites me back to her place after.”  There has to be a buffer between dinner and what you think is gonna go down once you go back to her place.  Why?  Because if you’re like Rmurdera, then you forced your girlfriend to eat a 5-course meal complete with 2lbs of lamb, a bucket of fries and a salad full of bacon and other meats*.  And this means she’s not feeling like immediately taking her clothes off…she probably complained about feeling fat before she even got 2 steps out of the restaurant.  Find a way to waste a few hours before going home.

After dinner on Saturday, Rmurdera took the girl to a comedy show.  Not only did this take care of the issues presented in the previous paragraph, but it also got her in a laughing mood.  You see, the only redeemable quality that Rmurdera has in his bag of tricks is an average sense of humor.  Therefore, by getting the girl in a laughing mood, it was easier to make her laugh at his lame jokes.  Somehow this makes him seem even more charming, and ultimately more desirable.

3). What happens next?  Well you’ll have to use your imagination.  If Rmurdera told you about how his Saturday night ended, he’d have to put a disclaimer on this site saying: “You must be 18 years old or older to continue reading.  Please enter your birth date for access.”

4). Don’t completely ignore actual Valentine’s Day.  Only an idiot would do that.  Even though you’ve already become a champion V-day celebrator, she’s still hoping you’ll do something cute for her on the actual day.

Rmurdera is having the girlfriend over tonight for some homemade pizza and quality time with him & his 2 weird roommates.

Hope this helped…Rmurdera’s off to go find a homeless-looking vendor for some last minute flowers & chocolate.

* This is a gross exaggeration of what my girlfriend ate on Saturday…and this clarification should help me not get the silent treatment later tonight.

Statement of Intent (aka what the fuck this blog is supposed to be about)

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

In the brief but riveting history of the WBFF blog, Rmurdera has fielded a ton of questions from avid readers, all with the same underlying theme of, “We wanna know what this blog’s about before we invest even a nanosecond of our time into it.”

The questions range from “what’s the point of this blog?” to “tell me, after reading your Travel Blog, your Marathon Blog, your Meh Blog and even your highly-incriminating Randomness Blog all out of courtesy, why should I put in the time to read another publication you’re likely to abandon the first time you struggle to be creative?”

Fair questions indeed, but this blog is different.  All those other blogs either had a natural expiration date (end of worldwide travels, completion of the marathon, end of college) or had terrible working conditions due to an oppressive, censor-embracing founder.  This leads to yet another question a loyal reader asked Rmurdera today.  Is this just a blog of Rmurdea & Friedchips fighting via blog posts?  If so, why don’t they just use a shared google doc and spare the public from this nonsense?  Rmurdera promises after the initial airing of grievances phase that just passed, Friedchips & Rmurdera are after one common goal–creating a dominating blog that gets as many as 45 unique views per day.  As a sign of the writers’ unity, Friedchips & Rmurdera will partake in friendly debates via email from time to time…and those will go up on the blog.

That’s just one of many new features on the WBFF blog.

This blog will literally include everything that goes through the head of a brilliant young man who lives in a big city, drinks too much alcohol, spends most of his money on nights he doesn’t remember and generally hates to work hard at anything.

You can expect more reader engagement in conversations on a variety of topics like sports, city living, tv & movies (I can’t get anyone to go see Joyful Noise with me), and how it’s still surprising when your pee smells after eating asparagus.

While there might be articles that comment on a mainstream piece of news every so often, don’t hold your breath.  Rmurdera doesn’t read or watch the news, and he certainly doesn’t know politics.  Either Friedchips will cover those areas, or no one will.

You can also expect the appearance of the blog to continue to change.  There’s so much goodness on this site that it’s going to take weeks to settle on the perfect visual presentation.

And finally, there’s an important task for you, dear reader.  Unlike other blogs, the WBFF blog will not compromise quality for quantity.  If the writers aren’t truly inspired by a topic, they won’t post.  At the same time, it’s frustrating for readers to be constantly refreshing the page and not getting new content.  Therefore, your best bet is to click the “follow this blog” link on the right side of the page.  That way you’ll get emailed with each new post.  And the other important job you have is to call out posts that are shitty, uninspired or overly offensive (you’re also allowed to leave comments of encouragement).

Get ready for some mind-numbing discussions, and don’t forget to spread the word…we’re a long ways from that 45-viewer stretch goal.

“Premature Launch”

Posted on by Ross Gariepy

A new feature that wasn’t part of Rmurdera’s past blog iterations, creating a poll as a lazy copout to actually writing an insightful post.  Here’s the first one: